


A Couple of Stupid Kids

by Key0110



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Character Death, Drug Abuse, Drugs, Homophobic John Winchester, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, POV Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:09:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 65,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28205130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Key0110/pseuds/Key0110
Summary: Dean had been kicked out by his father about a year ago. He had showed up on Sam's doorstep broken and silent but never explained why he'd been kicked out. He eventually settled in and started taking classes at a community college. Multiple jobs, life, death and love get in the way of each other.
Relationships: Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments! I love hearing from you guys!

End of April 1990 

Dean’s head was pleasantly fuzzy, the lights and music around him weaving in between the other partygoers. Something snappy was playing and Dean couldn’t help but rock back and forth where he stood. He had finally convinced Sam to go out to this party, with a little help from Jess of course. The Semester had just finished, and he reckoned that’s the only reason they could drag Sam out of the library. He’d have all summer to be dragged to parties now that his spot was secured at Stanford. Dean was real proud of him, and he said so every chance he got. He figured it was the kind of thing he’d need to hear if he planned on continuing, and it was more than Dean had heard in his life. He watched the sorority girls move with the music and giggle their way through shots, Dean eyed a girl with dark hair that flowed gently over her shoulders and her dark eyes pulled him in like a man entranced. It was Lisa, they had been dating a few months now, but she had just walked in. 

“Hey Dean!” Sam’s hand was tangled with Jess’s and he weaved through the crowd to get to his brother. “We are gonna head out! Figured I’d let you know!” He clapped a hand on Dean’s shoulder and called a ‘be careful’ as he made his way out. Dean checked his watch, 9:40. Sam always left before things got good. This was for the best though because Dean knew what happened once all the studious kids got tired and left. Knocking back a shot, he wandered over to the group of girls and hooked an arm around Lisa’s waist. 

“Hiya, Dean.” She let herself be pulled into the dancing crowd and her friends started giggling behind them. “You couldn’t stand to go without me for one night?” Her smile was teasing but soft and she pulled herself against him. 

“Couldn’t even bear it,” he chuckled and felt her hair tickling at his cheek, “You were looking too good babe.” They danced through a couple more songs until they got tired and went back to drinking their livers out. He kissed on her neck, ignoring the looks from her more uptight friends. 

At some point, Dean couldn’t remember when, Lisa had left, and he’d made his way upstairs to a kid handing out drugs. The thought flashed through his head that they’d probably be cut with something if they were just being passed out, but he didn’t think too hard and set one on his tongue. The dry flavor melting where it sat, until he washed it away with a shot of something that burned. The rest of the night would be lost to his memory by morning, but luckily, it wasn’t morning just yet. 

He stumbled through the hall, hearing laughter around him and the lights dancing against the wallpaper that hadn’t been changed since the sixties. Dean passed a window and watched as a kid was dared by his buddies to jump out, and he did. Dean’d been high before, but this was the first time in a few months and it quickly took a turn for the worse. Stomach twisting and writhing in anxiety, he swore he heard the familiar bark of his father’s voice and he bolted. He lumbered through the house and down the steps, nearly falling flat on his ass. It didn’t stop him though. The ground was reaching up to grab him with every step, so he didn’t look down, he just shoved his way past Stanford rejects and the remaining sorority girls who were pink with drunkenness. He finally made it to the back door and with one strong shove he fell out into the yard. The blades of grass already wet with dew in the April air and ground soft. It had been raining a lot this spring. 

Dean laid flat on his back in the quiet yard, the music seeping out of the house and the lights flooding out of the windows. At least Sam wasn’t here to see him like this, he hoped Sam didn’t know of the thirty other times this had happened as well. Dean tried to remember what Sam had said about panic and anxiety… and gave up settling with his own idea of how many seconds he should count in between breathing. His forehead was beading with sweat and his hands were shaking so he clenched them and put them on his stomach, feeling it rise and fall with his breath. 

“GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Dean bolted upright, but he was still in the grass. His father was miles away and it had been a year since he’d last seen him. It didn’t seem like any of the kids near the windows heard the gruff yell from Dean’s memory, so he laid back down. The cool ground nursing his pounding head, as he came back down. How much time had passed? His breathing picked back up again with the memory of the night a year ago when he’d lost his father’s respect, if he’d ever had any for him. Dean hadn’t had anywhere else to go so he grabbed his shit and booked it to Stanford. Sam hadn’t questioned his state, or why John had kicked him out. Dean was still shaking and thankfully, Sam kept Jess from seeing him like this. A lot had changed between now and then, but sometimes it felt like not enough. So, for right now it was all he could do to focus on the ground beneath him and the stars above him. He looked at his watch, arm feeling heavier than it should, 3:23. It was time for Dean to head home but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He was probably in no state to drive anyways. 

“Hey, are you alive out there?” An unfamiliar voice called from the back porch. 

“Yes, unfortunately.” Dean’s voice was slurred with alcohol still, and he pulled his head up to see who was there. 

“Oh.” The man shifted nervously in his step and Dean saw the sleeves of his button up rolled to his elbows, in a way that made Dean drop his head back down as though he’d be caught. “You mind if I join you?” The man spoke into the yard, Dean mumbled a sure and became painfully aware of how he must look. His tee was surely muddy from the drop into the yard and his jeans were undoubtedly grass stained, they were ripped too but that wasn’t from tonight. Sam had teased him for keeping them after they’d been ripped at the knees, but Dean insisted it made him look cooler. 

“What do you want?” Dean said, after the other guy had dropped to sit beside him. He’d hesitated because of the mud but eventually gave up. 

“Nothing. I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t a dead body in the yard.” Dean turned to look at him. His dark hair spiked at the front and without looking at Dean, he could tell his eyes were a sharp shade of blue. 

“Well, I’m alive.” Dean huffed and returned to looking at the stars. After a while he asked, “You go here?” 

“No. My cousin does, she dragged me here… I go to school in San Francisco. Staying with her for the summer.” He had a deep gravelly voice that Dean was almost sure was fake, but he didn’t ask. “Do you go here?” 

“No. My brother. I go to a community college nearby, a year left and I’ll be certified for carpentry.” The man watched Dean with a curiosity that made him uncomfortable. “I was always more hands-on than my brother is all.” 

“Doesn’t make those jobs any less necessary.” 

“Right.” Dean rolled his eyes at the thought that this guy would feel the need to reassure Dean on his life choices. “I better go.” He pushed himself up and didn’t bother wiping the dirt from his clothed as he walked back through the house. Feeling the random guy’s eyes on him as he walked. He must think he’s a saint to be talking to a community college kid. Lots of these big college students did, more than that they looked down on anyone who wasn’t smart enough to get into a school like Stanford, or Harvard or some shit. ‘stupid kids think they’re too good for the common folk’ he thought to himself. 

He finally made his way to the front door, but not before grabbing a beer on his way out. Most of the kids had cleared out by this point so he stepped onto the front porch, feeling the cool night air again. He shoved a hand in his pocket and made his way to the bus stop. 

“No drinks allowed on the bus.” The bus driver’s voice was bland from driving third shift, so Dean didn’t push it. He tossed the remnants of the beer into the trash and swiped his student ID to ride free. 

“Fourth street, uh please.” Dean wandered to one of the many empty seats. 

After all, the only people who rode the bus after one was screwed up college kids and the occasional homeless man. He cursed himself for not bringing a tape player and tapped his fingers against the window, watching the silent streets of Palo Alto roll past. The steady rumble of the bus threatening to put him to sleep. Which is exactly what he must’ve done because he woke up to the driver yelling fourth street and a nearby student giving Dean the stink eye. Dean scrambled up and thanked the driver before stumbling out onto his street. It was lined with shops and apartments of the kids too broke to live anywhere else. Sam lived a few streets over, but Dean was stuck here after refusing to move in with Sam permanently. He didn’t want to be babysat. He walked past a Chinese restaurant and around to the side where a rickety set of steps led up to his apartment. He twisted his key and pushed the door with his shoulder. 

The living room was littered with cup-o-noodles and textbooks that Jo must’ve left out. Luckily, he had been able to get ahold of a two-bedroom place so he could get a roommate. It was a dinky little place, and he never invited anyone over because of how unimpressive it was but it did the job. The small kitchen was littered with dishes and groceries that hadn’t been put away yet. That sounded like a job for tomorrow. Dean closed his door softly and peeled off his muddy clothes, dropping them on the floor before flopping into his own bed. He didn’t even have time to pull the covers over him before he had fallen asleep. 

Not even four hours later, his alarm went off. Sending a surge of pain through his head that indicated a growing hangover. He groaned and threw his legs off the bed. If he wanted to get anything done before work, he’d have to get up. He was working part time at a nearby diner on weekends, and weekdays at the mechanics around the corner. He was good with his hands, and okay with customers. But more than anything he needed the money. He stumbled out into the rest of the apartment and into the bathroom to start the shower and let it heat up. He cleared off the couch and most of the living room before the water heated up to an acceptable temperature. He ran his fingers through his hair, groaning at the mud that was caked in the back and without a doubt on his pillow. He cleaned himself off and shut the water off, stopping himself in front of the bathroom mirror. He saw the scar than ran through his eyebrow and into his hairline from when he was a kid and got in the way of John. His bright green eyes looking over his stubble and freckles. He remembered the biting words of his father and pulled his eyes away, wrapping his towel round his waist and back to his room to search for a clean set of clothes. He’d have to go the laundromat before too long. 

Once he had finished cleaning up the kitchen, Jo walked out, hair a tangled mess. 

“Heya Dean. Have fun last night?” She grabbed the coffee pot to pour her some. “You didn’t get back till like five.” 

“Yea, long night, I guess. Was over at a frat just off campus with Sammy for a while.” 

“Didn’t do anything stupid did you?” She chuckled and poured milk into her cup before her eyes softened. “How’ve you been feeling?” 

“Fine.” He said almost a little too quickly. She knew why he was littered with fading scars and that he’d had a falling out of sorts with his dad around a year ago. But she didn’t know the cause. 

“I don’t believe you, but you know you can talk if you need to. Okay?” 

“Yea.” He didn’t look at her, just continued putting the dishes away. “And you need to learn how to clean up after yourself, slob.” She smacked the back of his head and walked back into the living room, the news chattering into the kitchen. 

“Three burgers med-well and a stack of cakes in the window!” 

“Corner!” Dean yells as he turns the corner into the kitchen to grab the food. He sets three plates on one arm and grabs the last burger, pausing a second to hear someone yell that they’re coming around the corner before going himself. He walks back to his section, balancing the food without spilling it. Which is something he’s gotten pretty good at. “Alright so we have two burgers here, and enjoy your meals. Let me know if you need anything else,” He calls before heading to his other table to set their food down. Dean sees Billie sitting down one guy in his section out of the corner of his eye and makes a mental note to take his order. He’s been rushing around like a madman, which is usually the case on Saturdays but especially so as families come to town to take their kids home. “Okay, stack of cakes and a burger medium well. And I’ll grab that ketchup for you sir.” He runs back to the server station and grabs a new bottle for him and sets it on the table. Making his way to the booth where his most recent customer sits. “Hello sir, what can I get you started off with today?” He begins his waiter spiel without even looking up, already pulling out his notepad. 

“Oh, uh hi.” The vaguely familiar voice says. He looks up and tries to place where he knows this guy from but gives up. 

“What would you like to drink?” Dean scratches out a water on his tag and heads to where another four customers are being sat near the back. He can’t for the life of him remember where he saw that guy. Must’ve been from a party sometime. But there’s something about him that makes Dean’s stomach twist uncomfortably. A feeling he shoves down all night until the man leaves. 

About thirty minutes before closing Sam and Jess walk in with one of his buddies. Brady? Must be. Most other customers have left so the manager lets Dean sit down with the rest of them. 

“Busy night?” Sam asks, Dean sinking into the booth seats. 

“Busy as always.” He could sleep here if they’d give him a minute. “What have y’all been up to today?” 

“Brady’s dad has that boat, so we spent the day, you would’ve loved it man!” Sam starts, noticing the look in Dean’s eye before continuing. “But it was rocky, I almost threw up my lunch.” They go on talking about their day, and what they’re going to do this summer and how next semester will look before Jess says she is going to head back. Brady leaves not long after, letting the brothers talk alone. 

“You want to head to Ellen’s? Get a beer and talk?” Sam finishes up his plate of fries. 

“Nah, I gotta get some sleep. I caught maybe four hours last night, and I have work tomorrow.” Sam doesn’t comment on his working all the time. He didn’t get a free ride into the community college, all of which he’s paying for out of pocket. 

“Alright, well, let me drive you home.” Dean finishes counting the register and cleaning up his section while Sam waits. “So, how’s Jo?” 

“What? Oh, she’s fine I guess.” Sam starts the car and shrugs. 

“I mean are you two gonna be a thing or is it still you and Lisa?” 

“Since when do you care about my love life? Jo and I are roommates, it’d be weird anyways. And I’m still fooling around with Lisa, don’t know yet.” Dean huffs, “And anyways, what about you and Jess? You’ve been dating for like two years.” 

“Almost three.” Sam mumbles, “I think she could be, and don’t laugh at me, ‘the one’ Dean. I love her to bits.” Dean can’t help but smile. 

“Hah, well, when’s the wedding Sammy?” 

“I was thinking I’d propose this fall anyways, she loves the leaves in fall.” 

“SAP!” Dean shoves his little brother and laughs letting himself be happy that he’s found someone like that. Before long, they’ve reached the Chinese restaurant, the first floor of his home. “Alright lover boy, well try and keep from havin’ any kids before the wedding!” Making Sam groan and wave him off.


	2. Chapter 2

“Come on Dean you’re wasting daylight.” Dean sewed his lips shut, biting back the comment that the sun hadn’t even risen yet, or that Sammy didn’t have to go. He liked spending time with John. Less and less as he got older, he tried to be like him. Maybe as a defense mechanism. He remembers when he was a kid, how they had suddenly started to go to church when Dean hung around his guy friends more. John had told him that he could only be friends with boys. He had said it with the bite of a snake. It had been years, but Dean remembered the lesson. Do not be different from John. 

“Coming!” Frankly, Dean was glad to be invited along, though he’d like to have the option. He didn’t dare suggest it though. He threw his duffel into the back seat of the Impala and pulled his camouflage coat over his shoulders. They were going hunting. They’d gone hunting before, learning to blend in with the woods and shoot turkeys, deer and even a cougar. This is when his dad started wanting another one to mount. They made pretty good money off it. 

The ride out to the woods was quiet. They never spoke much anyways. He obeyed what he was told and did his best to be exactly like his dad, except for when he got mean. 

“Alright, now keep quiet. We’re going to get a cat today, hopefully wildcat though. Don’t screw up.” Dean had nodded along, clinging to his words. They walked quietly through the woods avoiding crinkling leaves and noises that’d alarm any nearby game. 

Of course, he’d eventually ticked John off and was sent into a clearing to watch for turkeys. That’s what John told him at least. He then realized about thirty minutes later, that he was bait. And not for a turkey. A bobcat wove in between the branches across the clearing, eyeing Dean like he was about to become dinner. 

His hands were shaking so much there would’ve been no way for him to get a clean shot. So, he waited. If he had even attempted to shoot it and missed, he wouldn’t hear the end of it. He waited, still as death. The cat crept closer and closer as if sniffing for danger. Then a loud shot rang off through the clearing and Dean instinctively ducked his head down. The bullet whizzed past his head, a little too close for comfort and hit the bobcat. Which they managed to sell for a couple hundred back in town. Dean didn’t tell anyone how he was sent as bait, even to Bobby or Sam, for years. Until he was eighteen and was lying in bed next to Benny. Who watched intently as he told stories of John. 

He tried to not think about John sending him into that clearing to die. 

Later that night Dean remembered the way John had dragged them to church after finding out how Dean told his teachers about how much he loved his friend. He was full of guilt and remembering these things sent pangs of guilt through his stomach that made him want to throw up. Did his dad send him to the edge of that clearing for that? Because that’s all he’d be good for? Dean sobbed silently into his hands. He was nearly fifteen and John would’ve told him to not cry like that, like a sissy. 

Dean knew John favored Sam. It was obvious. He’d do whatever Sammy wanted, ignoring the needs of his older son. If he weren’t such a coward, he would run away. This was something he’d thought about a lot through his adolescence, he’d go to Bobby’s and live there forever. Bobby didn’t seem to mind when the boys asked for snacks at the store or would get dirty playing in the yard, he was always gentle with them. 

He shook his head and got out of bed to go shower. He turned the water on too hot and scrubbed till he was red, trying to wash away the faults that he imagined John saw on him.


	3. Chapter 3

“Dean! Get up!” Jo was banging on his door, and he shoved his head under his pillow. He’d had a long day at the shop today and he finally had a weekend to himself. “You promised Sam you’d go with him to the beach! Everyone’s gonna be there!” She gave up knocking and barged into the messy bedroom, kicking a box aside. He’d lived here for months but still had half his shit still in boxes. She ripped his pillow off and smacked him in the head with it. “Dean? Helloo?” 

“Fine! If I get up will you leave me alone?” 

“Maybe! Sam’s on his way so you better get ready.” Dean groaned and rolled out of bed. “And come on! The beach will be fun!” He hated himself for letting Sam talk him into going today instead of tomorrow or Sunday, when he hadn’t been working all day. 

He stretched and got changed into a pair of green swim trunks, pulling a band tee over his head when Jo reentered. They grabbed a bag full of beach supplies, towels, sunscreen and the polaroid Sam had gifted him for his birthday this year. The beach was going to be crowded because of the newfound summer, but at least the college kids had mostly headed back to whatever landbound home they had with their family. 

“And hopefully I’ll get pretty tan and then I’ll be all set for the guys back home,” Jo laughed. Her mom lived in Texas, so if she really wanted to tan, she didn’t have to come all the way to California. But he was thankful to have a familiar face besides Sam and Jess, who were in the front seat discussing the summer activities they should do before picking up jobs. 

The windows were down, and Dean could smell the salty air everywhere they went, being so close to the coast. Jess’s long blonde hair whipped around in the wind and shone even brighter than Jo’s. Even Dean had to admit, his own hair was getting sun bleached from working outside every other week with a carpenter, that would put him one step ahead with his classes this year. And his freckles had become even more pronounced. 

They pulled into the parking lot, which was more of a grassy patch before the beach, where a couple dozen other cars had been parked. Music was pouring over the beach even louder than the laughing of young adults playing volleyball or splashing each other with the salt water. Dean saw a guy he recognized from the diner, the man with the bright blue eyes. He was sat amongst the crowd of kids watching the volleyball game, but had a book opened in his lap. 

Dean turned away and walked towards the tide, jogging up and leaving his stuff in a pile with Sam and Jess who were setting up the towels. He kicked his feet in the shallow water, taking in the summer sun like a kid. The sand gave way when the wave pulled back and he let his feet dig into the ground, feeling the shells beneath. 

“Dean!” Lisa ran up behind him and tangled her arms around his waist, kissing his shoulder. “Hiya babe.” 

“Look out there,” Dean pulled her in front and ducked his head to her eye level, pointing out into the ocean. “There’s some dolphins!” Lisa smiled and looped her hands behind his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. She tasted like sunscreen and the coconut Chapstick he’d grown to like. 

Lisa’s dark hair shone in the wet of the salt water as she stood up, the droplets running down her body to rejoin the sea. Dean let a smirk escape his lips as he watched. He’d been lucky to date Lisa, any of the other guys here could’ve had her, and likewise for Dean. He too was a hot commodity. He was muscular from working with the carpenters and tanned from the northern California summer sun, his freckles spotted along his face and shoulders, even seeping down his chest and legs. He splashed the water her way and laughed when she returned the favor, pulling her in close and planting a kiss on her lips again. 

Back at the towels, Jess rubbed a streak of sunscreen into Sam’s nose, which Dean laughed at. And Jo had nodded off, her sunglasses covering her closed eyes. Dean pulled Lisa to sit in front of him and marveled at her tanned skin before Anna ran up from the volleyball game. 

“Hey guys! Enjoying the sun?” She drew a smiley into the sand with her toes. “Want to join our game?” Sam threw his hands up to say ‘please god, no’ but Jess offered herself up. But the quiet man with the piercing blue eyes walked up behind Anna, book folded beneath his arm. 

“Hey, Anna…” He glanced around at their ragtag group before resting his eyes on Dean. Who was watching him closely. The man’s chest was hidden by a blue t shirt, but his arms were toned and nearly as tanned as Lisa. 

“Oh yea! Guys, this is my cousin!” She waved her hands to reference the man stood beside her. “Cas, he goes to school in San Francisco but he’s staying with me for the summer. I said he would love my friends.” And then it struck Dean where he knew the guy from. He was the one who sat with him in the mud after that party, turns out he hadn’t completely forgotten that night. And in hindsight, it made sense that… Cas recognized him at the diner. 

“Oh yea, we met.” Dean blurted, making Lisa turn around and everyone’s eyes were on him. “At that party last weekend, I mean. Didn’t know he was your cousin.” He looked down and began fiddling with the strings of his swim trunks, letting the conversation continue before looking back up to Cas. Who was looking right back at him. This, of course, made Dean blush red. 

“Babe, you’re getting burnt,” Lisa grabbed the sunscreen and began putting it on Deans cheeks and nose, wiping the rest of it across his shoulders and nose. “There.” She smiled and kissed him. Jess stood up and continued talking with Anna all the way back to the game, from where they were sat, they could see the game start back up again. But Cas stayed with them and sat down on the end of Sam’s towel where he had been invited. 

“So,” Sam let him on his towel and scootched over, “Where are you from, Cas. It’s an uncommon name.” 

“I’m from Seattle, my parents were very against common names.” His smile was lopsided in a way that made Dean hold back a giddy laugh. “How about you guys?” 

“Well, I’m Sam, that’s my brother Dean,” And Dean threw him a friendly smile, “His girlfriend Lisa, roommate Jo, and Jess is my girlfriend.” He smiled absentmindedly over at where she was punting the ball, she was actually pretty good at volleyball. “Dean and I are from Kansas; Jo is from Texas so excuse her manners.” Sam nudged at Jo where she slept but she just waved him away. 

“I’m from Michigan.” Lisa added and swatted at Dean when he twirled her hair around his fingers. He was avoiding looking at the guy and pulled his polaroid camera out of the bag. 

“Cool, you guys are a long way from home then?” Sam nodded with a laugh before settling back in to read his own book. 

Dean guessed that was the signal that they were comfortable around him because Cas reopened his own book and leaned back to read it. Dean snapped a picture of Lisa against the ocean background, which turned out beautifully. He snapped a picture of the volleyball game before handing it to Sam and snapped one of Cas and Sam reading but Jo had gotten up and she was blurry behind them. Still good, he decided, and put them in the photo pouch he had brought. 

“Hey Lise, you want to go swim?” Jo stood and dropped her swimsuit cover onto her towel. Offering a hand to Lisa. 

“Yea!” The duo walked into the tide before Jo dove in. Dean watched how Lisa ran her hands through her hair after resurfacing, and decided she was gorgeous in the water. He looked back over at the readers and Cas met his eyes, which made him drop his book into the sand. 

“Fuck. Shit.” Cas mumbled beneath his breath, grabbing it and shaking the sand off. “Lost my damn page.” He cursed himself and flipped back through, pointedly not looking at Dean, who was watching this all unfold. Cas’s hair was curled at the ends, from sweat or sea water Dean wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter. He watched how Cas’s fingers fumbled with the corners of the pages before turning them. Dean finally huffed and fell onto his back, threading his fingers together behind his head. He dozed off to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, and the two guys with him turning pages. The sun like a blanket of warmth. 

When he woke up Sam had gone over to the big group of people, Cas too, and Lisa sat beside him, painting her toes red. “Good morning, sleepy.” She smiled softly, “Someone ordered pizza if you want some.” She nodded towards where the rest of their group stood. 

“Did you eat?” Dean sat up and ran his hands through his hair. 

“Yep!” She waved over to her plate, where a pizza crust sat abandoned. Her dislike of pizza crust meant he always got it, he smiled to himself and grabbed it, nearly swallowing it whole. “Jesus, you’re an animal!” He ignored her and jogged over to the pizza boxes that were guarded by the kids from seagulls. 

“Hey Dean! Sleep good?” Sam called him over. Dean reached into a box and pulled out a slice of pepperoni. 

“Yes, I did!” He smiled through his pizza, making Sam groan. 

“Who won?” 

“We did of course!” Jess crossed her arms and stuck her chin up, as if to ask who else. Her long hair was tied back into a ponytail. 

Dean choked on the dry pizza crust, “Is there any drinks?” 

“Yea, someone brought beer. In a cooler over there, or we have water bottles back at the towels.” Jess looped her arm through Sam’s and started pulling him towards the water. 

“Whatever happened to forty-five minutes?” Dean chuckled and walked towards the beer cooler, pulling one out and letting it slam shut. 

“Oh, hey Dean.” Cas walked up behind him, while chugging through the first half of the can. “Jesus it’s a miracle your liver’s intact.” He chuckled, gauging how well that joke’d go. 

“Haha, yep.” Dean swallowed the last of his pizza and turned to watch Sam and Jess in the water, “So, what’re you in school for?” 

“Uh, I’m in training to be a paramedic right now.” Cas fiddled with his hands. 

“Cool.” Cas perked back up, his eyes trained on Dean. “You want a beer?” 

“Sure,” Dean grabbed him a beer and shut the cooler again. “So, you and Sam are a long way from Kansas.” 

“Yep.” 

Sensing the tenseness on the subject, Cas moves on. “You guys come to the beach often?” 

“We try to, I work a lot, so they go more.” Dean shrugs and starts walking, letting Cas follow. 

“Yea, I try to go as often as I can. Weather’s a lot different than Seattle.” 

“I reckon.” Dean hesitates, standing halfway between the towels and the tide where Sam and Jess stand. He runs and grabs his polaroid to snap a photo of the two. At Cas’s confused glance, “I figure they’ll appreciate these when they’re old and wrinkly.” He shakes it and smiles at the tender moment captured on film, Sam’s arms are around Jess and they are looking off into the water. 

“Do you have more photos?” Cas looks back at the towels. 

“Yea! Come on!” Dean nearly trips over himself to show off all the photos in his collection. He pulls them out of their pouch and shows the one from his birthday party, a few of the streets at night, a handful from a party where the colors are bleeding around the photo, and a bunch of moments like these. One’s to remember the mundane. His friends mid-laughter, and Sam being in love with Jess, a coffee cup in a café. And one of Cas and Sam reading. Dean’s cheeks light up when Cas picks it up gently. He looks at it before setting it back in the pile. “They aren’t much…” 

“They’re beautiful.” Cas interrupts. His face is lit by the dropping sun, the orange light covering his skin like honey and his eyes reflecting the ocean. If Cas were a girl Dean’d call him beautiful. But he’s not, so Dean clears his throat and shifts to sit back on his towel, where Lisa sits back looking through a magazine. 

“Ooh babe, this is what I want for my birthday!” She shows him a set of earrings, but he can’t see them.


	4. Chapter 4

If Dean tries really hard, he swears he can remember the fire. The heat against his skin. Mary died in the fire. John had told Dean “Take Sammy and run!” When he went back in for their mother. But it had been too late. They sat in the yard while the paramedics checked out the boys and John, he had inhaled a lot of smoke trying to go back for Mary, so they all rode in the ambulance together. Dean’s little ears were hurting because of the loud sirens, and he saw their neighbors watching their house burst into flames. 

The funeral was that next Saturday, it was sunny and warm almost to mock how the three had lost the most important woman in their lives, and Sammy hadn’t even known. Dean held his daddy’s hand during the service, but he didn’t know enough at the time to register that his mommy wasn’t coming back. 

That next week was the worst one Dean knew, his daddy was silent, and he drank. Dean would shush Sammy and hold his bottle up for him. Dean tried to sing the song his mommy had sung for him when he was crying, Hey Jude by the Beatles, that’s what his mommy had told him where she came up with it. 

John was broken like this for weeks, until he got angry. He packed up all their remaining things and moved, they drove for a long time, heading far into the countryside before stopping at a small house with a sold sign out front. Dean didn’t ask his daddy why they lived here now, and he didn’t ask daddy beyond the first time where mommy was. He lashed out and yelled and sobbed at Dean, so he never brought it up again. 

As Dean got a little older, and years passed, he slowly forgot what his mother’s voice sounded like. And he forgot the warmth that his father had when she was around. Dean didn’t let Sammy grow up sad, in the way that he did. He took him out to play when John lost control and stayed by his side the first time they went to Bobby’s. 

He may have forgotten how Mary sounded and even how she looked, but he never forgot Hey Jude. Sometimes when Sam had trouble sleeping, Dean would pull him into his little arms and sing it till his baby brother fell asleep. 

In time, they grew to trust their uncle Bobby more than even John. He’d spoil them and let them jump on the couch sometimes, he went easy on them because he knew how having a father like John was. Bobby always made sure to let them know that ‘even though you are little snot-nosed brats, I love you.’ This is something that to-this-day Dean is thankful for. Bobby gave him a photo of Mary and John holding a baby Dean and that’s how he memorized her face. Seeing his own in it. He hid it from John. 

Sometimes when he’s having a hard time, and he can’t think straight, Dean will whisper Hey Jude to himself and try to remember the last time John smiled, and how Mary’s perfume smelled to his four-year-old nose. 

The first time Dean was hit by his father he doubted Mary’s words that he was being watched over by an angel. After he lost count, he knew he wasn’t. As John said, “God hates fags” and Dean believed him. After all, his mother had died, and he grew up in this house. So, god must really hate them. That’s when they started to go to church. He didn’t even know his dad was religious until then, but apparently, he was. 

When John got really drunk, he told Dean that Mary was his fault, and that was when he stopped being able to sing Hey Jude to himself to calm down.


	5. Chapter 5

The smell of smoke filled his lungs, drowning him in it until he was gasping for breath. His father’s hands were wrapped around his ankles and dragged him down until his head was shrieking for air, they were too tight on his ankles and he could no longer feel them. Dean woke with a start, arms flailing with the covers to get them away from his face so he could breathe without choking on the hot air. He shot up and shoved the covers onto the floor, letting his head fall into his hands. ‘Fuck’ he whispered to himself. He could still hear his mother screaming from the smoke, or at least who he thought was his mother. He hadn’t had that dream in a few weeks. 

Dean looked out his dusty window and tried to gain control of his breathing. The sun hadn’t even poked out yet, it was only five in the morning. So, he pulled on a pair of sweatpants and sneakers and headed down the rusty steps to the street. Walking for what felt like hours, until the sun had breached the horizon and his feet were aching with pain. 

Pushing open the front door, Dean dropped his keys and headed toward the shower. He didn’t bother letting the water heat up, it would let off steam that would choke him anyways. He pulled off his t shirt and kicked off his sweatpants nearly falling into the ice-cold shower, he hissed against the cold but didn’t care enough to turn the water remotely towards the hot side. He scrubbed at his skin like he had all those times before and finally dropped to sit under the faucet. ‘Fuck’, he laugh-sobbed into his hand to not make a noise. Thanking god that Jo was a heavy sleeper. The water was pounding into his back and he tried to get the composure to get to his feet for the next twenty minutes, running a soapy hand over his arms and legs. He finally shut the water off and stepped out into the bathroom, not even looking at his raw skin in the mirror and brushed his teeth quickly. 

That night, there was a party at Brady’s. Brady had a massive house, as he should’ve for his parents to be paying his entry to Stanford. Before too long, his house was packed full of kids from San Jose to San Francisco. They littered the sprawling lawn, and the house was bursting from fullness. A few girls were even dancing on the dining room table to the music that was bumping throughout the house. Dean worked his way past the group of guys ogling them and headed into the kitchen to grab a drink. After the day he’d had, he needed one. He grabbed a bottle of vodka and emptied it into a red cup, splashing a little sprite into it before taking a swig. It burned all the way down and was so strong it left him shaking his head. 

“Jesus Christ man, this party!” Sam had to yell over the other sounds, and he elbowed Dean in the side before helping himself to a beer. “He’s lucky they have people to clean up after him!” Dean winced at his brothers yelling but nodded. 

“Where’s Jess?” He leaned in to ask, looking around at the people wandering into the kitchen for refills. 

“She’s with her friends in the front room.” Sam turned to lean against the counter with Dean, “I think I saw Lisa around, Cas and Anna too!” Dean nodded along and refilled his drink before heading back to the party. 

“Be careful Sammy!” Dean punched his shoulder as he walked, or rather wove his way, back to Jess. 

Dean went through another two cups of alcohol before being handed two little white pills, which he washed down with a swig of whatever was left in his cup. He laughed giddily; this was much better than how he was feeling this morning. He let the excitement of the party, and the feeling of drugs and alcohol flood his system. He got pulled to the side of the hall by a girl who was half naked and she stuck her tongue down his throat. She tasted like cheap liquor and she gave him another few pills, which he swallowed dry before pushing her up against the wall and kissing her back. His pulse was echoing through his head and the wallpaper was dancing off the walls and around the two. She pulled him upstairs to one of the bedrooms, where the floor swayed like they were on a ship. 

Dean didn’t remember getting on a boat. But he didn’t have time to question it, the girl pulled him forward and they fell onto the bed, laughing the whole way. He found a cup on the nightstand half full and gulped it down quickly before returning to the girl. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he kissed her deeply, feeling the covers grab at his arms and the room grow taller, falling back to its regular height before repeating the cycle. The room was lit up magenta and he mumbled into the girl’s ear, but he couldn’t hear her response. She nodded her head and his vision spotted with white. 

His head echoes a sharp pain that shoots down into his belly, distantly he can hear whoever he was with calling to him. He can’t remember if they were a boy or a girl. “Are you okay?!” they yell into his ear, and he winces, shoving them backwards and walking wobbly to the nearest bathroom. He hears someone else call ‘Dean!’ in the hall but he ignores them. He doesn’t know anyone named Dean. 

He shoves on the bathroom door, which thankfully is empty. And he looks at himself in the mirror. Whoever it is that looks back, he can’t recognize, they are pale and glistening with sweat though. He suddenly feels very cold. “At least I’m not on fire!” he manages to slur out before laughing. He turns to the shower. Now there’s a golden ticket idea! Cool off in the shower! The bathroom ceiling stretches to a point and collapses down on Dean, who immediately throws up into the shower. He can hear the banging on the door, but he can’t move. He can’t move! Suddenly he is filled with panic. He tries to yell out for help but if his voice is working, he can’t hear it. 

The bathroom door is finally opened, and Dean loses his sight. 

Cas yells for help and drops to his knees by Dean’s side. The boy eyes are frantically moving side to side and he’s starting to froth at the mouth. “SOMEONE CALL 911!” Cas yells behind him, pulling Dean onto his side and letting his spit fall into the shower, where he finds, he had already emptied his stomach. Then he starts shaking and Cas just tries to keep him from dying. His pulse is feeling weak and thready, his eyes have gone still and now are glazed over. “No.” he nearly whispers. “NO!” Cas pulls his mind from the back seat and goes into overdrive. “CALL 911!” He yells again, a small crowd has gathered around the bathroom door. Thankfully, Cas doesn’t recognize any of the faces. Cas tries to keep his hands steady and hold Dean still, making sure he doesn’t hurt his neck. 

The paramedics show up and push through the crowd, which has begun to dissipate quickly at the sight of flashing red and blue lights. Cas speaks up when they enter the bathroom, “His pulse is weak and thready, he’s thrown up, and he had a seizure. I don’t know what he’s taken!” Cas stays by his side as they put him on a spinal board, making sure to not jostle him as they lift him. Cas helps carry it out and one of the paramedics asks if he knows the patient. That’s what Dean is now. The patient. He nods. Cas’s had a few drinks already, which he is now regretting, and they make their way down the stairs. He makes sure to not drop Dean, this stupid boy who has gotten himself all tangled up in this shit. Cas knew Dean was hiding something yesterday at the beach but didn’t think that he’d be carrying him to a stretcher into the back of the ambulance the very next day. 

Cas looks frantically around the crowd for Sam, or Jess, or even Anna but he can’t find anyone. Not a single person who knows Dean besides himself. The other medic takes over while Cas searches for anyone of their friends. He could really use Sam right now. 

“Sir!” The paramedic yells. “I said are you coming with?” Cas looks back at her stupidly and nods. 

“Yea.” He climbs into the back of the ambulance and the sirens scream into his ears, forming a headache that was already buzzing with alcohol. He leans back against his seat and prays. Honest-to-god prays, like he hasn’t done since he was a teenager praying to get into university. 

Finally, they pull into the hospital bay, and Cas catches a few words as they wheel Dean in. Pulse is weak and he lost consciousness about 20 minutes ago, he’s had a seizure, and … Cas lost the rest of it and just runs after them hearing Dean’s pulse through the machines that they are beginning to hook up to him. Almost as soon as they get him off the stretcher and into a bed in the ER his pulse shoots up and the nurses are shooing Cas away. He knows he’s frantically yelling, but all he can hear is Dean’s heart monitor. Talk about on the job experience. 

Cas sits in a chair in the ER until a nurse walks up and starts asking him questions, though it takes him a minute to realize she’s asking about him. 

“I’m fine. How is he?” 

“Sir, I’m asking you. Have you had anything to drink?” She huffs, “Have you had any drugs, anything we need to know about?” 

“Yes, and no.” Finally, the conversation ends with her leading him over to a bed and hooking up a banana bag. He still glances nervously over at where Dean lies. He hears the monitor and knows that it’s a good sign. “Is he okay?” He asks a new nurse who walks up to him. 

“Okay, we got a bunch of stuff off his drivers license, but does he have any emergency contact information?” 

“He has a brother.” She waits. “I don’t know his phone number though.” Cas groans into his hand. He doesn’t even have Anna’s memorized in case of emergency. That is first thing to do when he gets back. 

“Okay sir. Relation to the patient?” She waits, “Also, we’ll need your name and phone number.” 

“I’m not leaving without him.” 

“Okay but we still need your name and number.” Thankfully, she’s had an easy night, so she is patient with him. 

“Novak, Castiel. N-O-V-A-K,” He spells out his name and gives her his number. “What did you find in his system? What has he taken?” 

“We found amphetamines and a form of cathinone in his system on top of the alcohol, he had two seizures and his temperature has finally dropped back to normal.” Seeing Cas’s visible relief, she asks, “Are you in the medical field?” 

“Paramedic in training.” Cas scratches the back of his neck and looks back over to where Dean is laying. 

“Well, Mr. Novak, you probably saved his life.” He’d known Dean for all of thirty hours, if you don’t count the party last weekend, and has already saved his life. Gotta be a new record. “He’s lucky to have you around. If you’d like you can sit in a chair by his bed once we move him upstairs.” Cas only nodded. 

Upstairs, they got Dean settled into a bed and a semiprivate room, the other half wasn’t in use, but they figured it’d be easier on his insurance to say he was in a semiprivate. He still hadn’t woken up though. Which wasn’t a good sign. Cas was sat down at his bedside, he had given up on pacing after a while, and his IV had been removed a few hours ago. The nurse had said that they were keeping an eye on his recovery too, which meant he could stay as long as he needed. It was nearing five in the morning and Cas had his head resting against Dean’s bed when he started to stir. 

“Cas?” Dean’s voice was groggy and sore from throw up and then tubing. He looked around and groaned. A hospital. Shit. Cas had his head up against Dean’s bed, his arm bandaged at the elbow from an IV? “Cas?” Dean stuck out a hand to shake Cas awake. His head shot up and Dean looked into his massive blue eyes, before he pulled a frown. 

“Don’t ever do that again you asshole! I’ve known you for two days and you try and make me have to save your sorry ass!” Cas is raising his voice, which is earning them a nasty look from the nurse at the front desk outside the curtain-door. 

“Cas?” Dean repeats. 

“What? Why do you keep saying my name?” A look of horror comes across his face, cheeks still sunburnt from yesterday, or rather Friday since it’s now Sunday morning. 

“Why are we here?” Cas relaxes at the fact that Dean remembers more than Cas’s name and hasn’t lost whatever brain function he had. “What happened?” 

“You idiot.” Cas grumbles, he leans back into his chair. “You overdosed on amphetamines and near alcohol poisoning and almost died you son of a bitch.” 

“Oh.” 

“That’s all you have to say?” Cas looks at Dean, who is staring at his hands, looking pale in the hospital lighting. “Are you feeling okay?” 

“I just overdosed on amphetamines.” Dean offered a weak chuckle, coughing, “I’ve been better.” 

“Do you have Sam’s number?” Cas stands up to go get the nurse. “We need to call him; I’d imagine he’s your emergency contact.” 

“No.” Dean hesitates, “I mean he is, but don’t call him. Please.” Dean pleads with Cas, knowing how Sam will react. He’ll be ashamed. 

“Okay, I won’t. Just, wait here. I have to go get the nurse and tell her you woke up.” Cas waits a second before leaving. Dean just looks back down, seeing the tubes feeding into his arm.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean is in the hospital till Monday evening, and he calls into work that morning, saying that he is sick, but he’ll be able to come back in on Wednesday. Thankfully, Frank is gracious and lets him have off on Monday and Tuesday. He is going to be feeling the days off work at the garage when he needs to pay for groceries or electricity, but Jo just got a raise so maybe she can spot him. Around three on Monday, Cas shows back up to help him get home. He is beyond thankful that Cas didn’t say anything to Sam, or even to Anna. He owes him a huge one, especially after saving his life. 

Cas hands him a stack of clothes, “Here, uh, they’re mine so I don’t know how well they’ll fit. But I figured you wouldn’t want to go back on the town with your ass out.” He adds that last part with a grin and drops the clothes at the foot of his hospital bed. The meds he’s on aren’t near as strong enough to dampen the headache he’s had going for the past few days, but that’s what he gets for overdosing, he supposes. Dean sits up in bed and swings his feet over the edge of the bed, thankful that he didn’t ruin his boots, like the rest of his outfit on his way from the party to now. Dean makes a mental note to buy Cas something nice for all of this. He pulls on the jeans and throws the shirt over his head before lacing up his boots. He’d resolved to throw away his other shirt because of the caked-on puke and the stench of alcohol. It would probably be for the best anyways. 

“Cas, I’m ready.” Dean hollers back into the hallway once he’s finished dressing. The bandage around his arm where his IV was and the pallid sunken tone in his skin is the only way you’d be able to tell he’d been in the hospital. At least that’s what he decides, after looking at himself in the bathroom mirror. 

“Alright, you just gotta check yourself out and then I’ll take you home.” Cas fiddles with his keys and Dean imagines Cas must’ve gone back to Brady’s to get his car sometime Sunday evening after staying with Dean all morning. 

“Thank you, Cas.” Dean can’t even meet his eyes. “Really, I mean it.” 

“Well, couldn’t let you die, now could I?” Cas smiles softly and cocks his head to the side, but Dean doesn’t answer. 

The drive back to his apartment is quiet, save for the old radio projecting out top forty songs this month. Dean just looks out the window, pointing occasionally where Cas needs to turn. Finally, they reach the Chinese restaurant and Cas slows to a stop, putting the car in park. 

“Do you want help?” Cas watches Dean closely, he can feel his eyes on him as he reaches for the door handle. 

“No, I don’t want Jo to know either.” He waits for a second and pulls Cas into a hug, ignoring how tense he goes before pulling away. “Thank you. I just, thank you.” Dean grabs his things off the floor and leaves, heading towards the side of the building and up the steps. Leaving Cas wide eyed, making sure he gets to his door okay before driving off. 

Dean shoves his door open and drops his keys on the table and heads into his room. Thankfully, Jo wasn’t back from work yet. He emptied the bag of clothes onto his floor, with the rest of his dirty laundry and remembers he has to run to the laundromat soon. He resolves to do that tomorrow with his free time, among resting. He pulls his boots off and pads into the kitchen to put a can of soup on the stove for dinner. He’d only had a couple of cruddy meals at the hospital and he was starving. He’d kill for a burger, but soup would do. 

Around six, Jo finally gets home and nearly kills him with a hug. “I didn’t see you after Saturday! Where’d you disappear to, I called Lisa and she hung up on me?” Lisa, fuck. 

“I don’t know, I stayed at a friend’s on Sunday morning and then it got late sleeping off a hangover, so I didn’t get back in till you’d already left for work today.” Dean thought it sounded believable. 

“When did you leave Brady’s on Saturday? I heard that someone almost died! Sam called me in a hurry on Sunday asking if you were home, he was worried sick. I can’t believe you didn’t call him!” Jo talked in a hurry and rushed out to get a shower calling behind her, “You better call Sam! And put some on for me too, would you?” Dean emptied another can of soup and picked up the phone, he dreaded Sam’s answer, but he, of course, picked up. 

“Jo! Is he back yet?” Sam hurried before even waiting for Dean to speak. 

“I’m back. Sorry for worrying you man.” Dean faked calmness, “I went home with a friend and didn’t get back till this morning.” 

“Jesus Christ!” Sam groaned, “I thought you might’ve died! Did you hear what happened?” 

“Yea Jo told me right when she got back.” Of course Sam knew, him and Brady were best friends, or near enough. “I’m sorry man, if I knew that had happened I’d’ve called sooner.” 

“You’re good, just glad to hear your voice!” Dean sighed softly, he hated lying to Sam, especially when he had been on his deathbed just yesterday. 

“Alright, well I gotta finish up dinner. I just figured I’d call you and tell you I’m still breathing.” 

“Thanks, I’ll talk to you soon ok?” 

“Alright, bye Sam.” The line went dead, and Dean let out a breath. He stirred the soup so it wouldn’t stick and thanked god for Cas. Turns out he hadn’t said anything to anyone, yet at least. 

Dean and Jo ate as much as they could and stuck the rest in a bowl in the fridge. They were scraping the bottom of the barrel to splurge on drinks every other week, they couldn’t waste anything. Dean got a glass of water, it was probably better to nurse an OD with water than with beer, and headed to his room. 

He picked up his notebook and looked through the pages, letting his eyes fall on the photo of his mother, before tossing it to the floor. 

Dean finally fell asleep, but not before pulling his blankets away from his face. He dreamed of Cas this time instead of his dad. He saw Cas wading out into the ocean, which was just a crowd of people. Cas was laughing the whole way until Dean slipped and fell, getting trampled beneath the people. The sky turning magenta and Cas’s blue eyes appearing. He pulled him upright and then the sky turned the shade of his eyes. 

He woke up the next morning confused for a moment, until the morning drained his memory of the dream away. He heard the phone ring in the living room and hoped Jo would get it, but she had already left for work. Everyone thought he was at work too. So, he stumbled out of bed and picked up the phone. 

“Hello?” Dean’s voice was still groggy with sleep and he rubbed his eyes. 

“Dean, hey. Uh, It’s Cas.” Duh. “Do you want me to bring you lunch or something?” 

“Hey Cas.” Dean’s voice caught in his throat, “You don’t have to do that. You’ve already done too much for me. I’m fine. Thanks though.” 

“Okay… well, let me rephrase that then.” Cas’s voice stopped for a minute. “Do you like burgers?” 

Dean sighed, “Uh, yea.” 

“Okay, be there in a few.” And he hung up. 

Dean shook his head and his stomach grumbled. A burger did sound good. He cleared off the kitchen table and the living room. The kitchen was still pretty dirty, so Dean cleaned as quickly as he could so Cas wouldn’t walk into a complete train wreck. It definitely still was one, but just less of one. 

Ten minutes later, Cas knocked at his door and Dean pulled a shirt on and hurried to let him in. Nearly tripping over his work boots and kicking them out of the way. 

“Hey Cas,” Dean noticed Cas wearing a band tee and jeans, a bag of food in one hand and drinks in another. “Here, let me help.” Dean grabbed the drinks and walked to set them down on the table. 

Cas stepped slowly into the apartment, “How are you feeling?” Dean made himself busy with taking the bag of food and setting everything out at the table. 

“… I’m feeling better.” Dean didn’t look up. “You really didn’t have to do this you know; I could give you the cash for it if…” 

“It’s no problem really.” Cas sat down at the table, not appearing to care about the oldness of the apartment or its contents. “And I figured I should check in on you since none of our friends know enough to.” 

Dean’s face flushed with guilt and he sat down. “Well, thanks anyways.” They dug into the burgers and Dean didn’t realize how starving he was. 

“So, what band is that?” Dean asks, pointing to his shirt. 

“Uh, CVB. Camper Van Beethoven. Kinda weird music actually, still not sure if I like it.” He let out an awkward chuckle. “I ended up in a concert of theirs by accident when I was a freshman. A friend and I were planning on exploring the city and we just kinda… ended up there.” He continued on about the members and how his friends and he used to make it a joke to like them, but then it kinda became their thing. Dean watched him talk on and on about it, starting a debate about the best time period of music, and how Dean only liked old rock because he was an ‘old man’. Cas turned out to be actually a few months older than him, and before long, their drinks were finished, and it was nearly three. 

“Well, shit! I should probably let you rest, shouldn’t I?” Cas glanced at his watch and made a move to leave. 

“No, I’m fine.” Dean said quickly. “I mean unless you had somewhere to be.” 

“No, I’m free. Just figured you needed to rest.” He wrung his hands in a way that made Dean nervous. 

“Unless you wanted to go out somewhere?” 

“Sure, where’d you have in mind?” 

“Well,” Dean hadn’t thought this far ahead. Shit. Think dammit think! “The beach?” Alright, that wasn’t such a bad idea. “Yea, we could go to the beach if you want.” Idiot, why’d you repeat it. Dean has a moment of internal struggle before Cas nodded. 

“Yea, I’d have to stop by Anna’s to grab my suit though.” Dean nodded and gathered up the trash, willing himself to not scare away his newfound friend. Though, if he couldn’t be scared away by an overdose, there wasn’t much else to scare him off. A thought popped into his head, reminding him of Benny, but he shook it away. 

He threw on his trunks and grabbed a towel, reentering the living room to see Cas looking at some photos that sat on the rickety bookshelf. His fingers ghosting over the faces and frames, he didn’t even hear Dean come back until he closed the door behind him. Cas pulled away quickly and pretended not to notice that Dean didn’t have any photos of family outside of Sam, and none before last year. 

Cas turned up the music in the car, which was tuned to a station that was only playing the ‘old man’ music that Dean said he liked. It didn’t take him long to start yelling the words along and let his hand hang out of the window to thread his fingers between the breeze. They pulled up to Anna’s apartment complex, Dean had been here a few times, but he waited in the car while Cas ran up to get changed. Dean looked in his bag where he’d tossed a towel and his polaroid. He wouldn’t have left it; he had realized shortly after moving here that he adored the ocean. Even though he had grown up land locked. Blue had become his favorite color. 

Cas was back downstairs after only a few minutes; it was a wonder he didn’t trip coming back down the stairs. But here he was, dropping himself into the driver’s seat and pulling out in the direction of the beach. They were less than ten minutes out and Dean watched Cas mouth the words to the music he claimed to be indifferent about. He smiled to himself and stopped himself from grinning when Cas looked over and his eyes, matched the sky behind him. 

“Thank god for California weather!” Dean yells and flops back onto his towel, “Maybe I can get some color back.” Cas just chuckles and walks out to the shore. 

The familiar snap and whir of the polaroid camera comes from where Dean sits. Dean gently takes it out and shakes it, watching the image show up. Cas against the beach and his dark hair a splotch of dark contrasting the blues of the pacific. Dean smiles and tucks it into his bag. He hangs onto his camera and jogs over to where Cas stands, turning him around for a selfie. He takes this one out and shields the sun from it. His grin is soft and Cas is over his shoulder smiling so wide his eyes are shut, then Dean sees the bunny ears over his head and drops his camera gently into the rand to run after Cas, who is already running away laughing. Dean finally catches up and hooks his arms around Cas’s waist to catch him, spinning a little making them both lose their balance. Trying to shove Dean off, he pushes at his chest. Dean topples over, but not before grabbing onto Cas. 

In a flurry of laughter and sand the two fell onto the beach. Cas near straddling Dean’s legs. Who’s eyes have gone wide, revealing the green and gold irises to the sun, making them glitter. Don’t think. Don’t think. Is what Dean thinks to himself and pushes Cas off him with a weak chuckle. Pulling himself up, he looks back at Cas with a smile and walks into the water. Back by the camera, Cas has a worried look on his face, like he’s hoping he didn’t hurt Dean in the fall. He did just get out of the hospital. But Dean seems unfazed. 

He kicks his feet through the shallow end before diving in to swim. The water is cool and the sand is slightly rocky below, but Dean doesn’t mind. He wonders about the soft sand of the Bahamas, how little shells there can really be. Looking back to where Cas is, he shakes a photo and smiles softly. Not noticing that Dean is watching him. He walks the photos and camera back to the towels before running to jump into the water, splashing Dean when he finally reaches him. 

“How are you feeling?” Cas asks, starting to float on his back. 

“Perfect.” And he isn’t even lying. “I’m feeling awesome.” 

They eventually settle in and Dean starts building, or rather, digging, a sand fort right along the water line. Cas sits at the towels a few feet back and opens a book, looking up every once and a while to see Dean’s freckled back tanning, and the progress of the fort being nearly destroyed every time a large wave comes in. Cas eventually snaps another photo and sticks it with the rest. 

“I’m going to run out of film at this rate,” Dean chuckles, dropping himself on his towel. “What are you reading?” 

“Howl.” He dog ears a page and sets it down beside him, letting his arms rest on his knees. “Allen Ginsberg. It’s kinda old, but I love his writing.” 

“What’s it about?” Dean pulls his towel up around his shoulders to avoid getting burnt, which he can tell is probably too late. 

“Well, it’s just a collection really, of poetry. He wrote a lot back in the fifties. It’s kinda about social norms and going beyond them… a little outdated I guess to some, but I don’t know.” 

“No, that’s cool.” Dean didn’t know the first thing about poetry, but he did know about respecting someone’s interests, and plus defying social norms is what life should be all about. And anyways, he wouldn’t dare say anything negative about the boy beside him. He did save his life, after all. And his eyes matched the northern California sky.


	7. Chapter 7

Truth be told, he liked Benny. But he was his best friend. He watched his best friend avoid dating and bring him to his own family dinners when John was too fucked up to host their own, which was more often than not. They shared beds and talked into the night, even after Dean and Cassie had broken up. There was Benny to pick up the pieces. 

“You’re dad’s crazy.” Benny said when Dean showed up one weekend covered in bruises. 

“What else is new.” John had been so unforgiving since Mary died. But it had been almost fifteen years, and he was still an ass. He never talked about her unless he was shitfaced. 

“Why can’t you just stay here?” Benny dabbed at a cut on his jaw, his eyes focused intently on Dean’s injuries. Dean’s cheeks flushed with the closeness. He was nineteen now, there was no reason for him to be acting like a schoolgirl. He looked at Benny’s lips, who then noticed. This was his first kiss, with a guy at least. He had shoved him back, remembering John’s harshness from all those years ago at Dean being like, that. 

After months of convincing Dean he wasn’t an affront to God, Benny let Dean settle in beside him. They spent nearly every day together, telling John they were going to pick up chicks and whatnot. But instead, they lay on the hood of Benny’s car for hours. They talked about the misery of small-town USA and dreamed up ideas of moving away. They’d pack everything they could fit into Benny’s beater and just drive. Dean would say how they should go west, maybe end up in California, then they could visit Sam whenever they wanted when he finally went to college. He had only ever mentioned Stanford to Dean, and Dean only told Benny. They would be able to ‘pack a picnic and go to the beach like a real couple of fruits’ Dean eventually laughed out. But Benny just smiled at him. 

They would stare up at the stars when the weather was clear and try to point out the constellations, which Benny was better at. Dean always gave up. “They are just a bunch of dots anyways.” He’d huff. But he still liked when Benny would try to show him, pulling their faces together to point them out. But Dean wouldn’t pay attention. They’d always end up with their faces pressed against each other and kissing like they would never get to again. They got a little older, and Dean a little more muscular from working at the mechanics, Benny’s beard was less patchy, and they were turning into men. 

Sammy finally graduated and left for Stanford that summer. Causing a big argument between Dean and John, and John made him pay for letting Sam be lost to the family. As if they had been one in the past eighteen years. 

The night Dean got kicked out, he was with Benny. Caring and compassionate Benny, who had decided to break things off. After years of sneaking around, and loving Benny, it came to a screeching halt. Dean left and got wasted at a nearby bar, which was mistake number two, after letting himself be broken hearted. He got shitfaced and danced with girls he couldn’t recognize, but none of them did anything for him. After giving up on trying to let himself be taken in by the blondes at the bar, he stumbled out back. And on cue, began sobbing into his hands. The breath had been ripped from his lungs, and like a child, he was crying again. His head was spinning, and the world was tottering dangerously beneath him. 

Around two in the morning, Dean stumbled back into his house. He had already thrown up the contents of his stomach into the front yard of a neighbor, who would be unpleasantly surprised in the morning. And John was on top of him immediately. Dean can’t remember the specifics of which John called him a screw up and a useless son, a good-for-nothing faggot, and the reason their family had crumbled, and continued to do so. Dean had heard it all before and had long since given up on trying to redeem himself to his father, or to convince him that any of those things weren’t true. Because it had gotten to a point where he believed it too. 

But then, John brought Benny into it. Blinded by rage, Dean started yelling back. And that’s when his father knew he was right about Benny, about his oldest ‘son’. But anyone who knows John, knows he doesn’t take kindly to being disrespected, no matter how much he deserves it. So, in a final hurrah, he beat Dean to a near pulp. His face bleeding and welts blooming all over. He had kicked him out. 

Dean threw what he could grab into a duffel and tossed it into the passenger seat of his car, now sobered up from being near beaten to death at three in the morning, he drove. And he didn’t stop until he reached Utah and gave up to sleep in his car. When he woke up, he kept on driving until he showed up at Sam’s dorm. Still shaking, starving, and beat. 

Sam had been especially gentle with Dean after he showed up on his doorstep. He didn’t know the nature of the issue, but he knew it was John’s fault. That night, he ushered Dean in and sat him at his couch, but he refused to speak, or maybe he couldn’t. He didn’t eat for a few days either. He just stared at his hands and slept. 

Finally, as if broken from a trance, Dean started moving again. He still didn’t talk about what had happened, but he was eating and talking, and by the end of the month, he was joking around like he had when they were kids. Dean gave his approval over Jess and went with them to parties, where Sam knew he was trying to distract himself from something, but he wasn’t sure what. So, he waited it out. 

Maybe Dean got better, or maybe he just got better at hiding his… extracurriculars. Because Sam stopped worrying about him and got him to sign up for some classes at a community college nearby. In his defense, he didn’t know about the drugs. He knew Dean overdid drinking when he was at parties, or out with their friends. But he figured it was something he’d grow out of. 

Dean opened up after that first semester, he had joined Sam’s group of friends, and integrated beautifully. He let himself get swept up in the romanticism of college life in California, despite working multiple jobs, so he could ‘get out of Sammy’s hair’ which was getting long enough to bother Dean. They settled into a routine, and Dean got himself a girlfriend. But Sam didn’t know about the other half of the story.


	8. Chapter 8

“Lisa, hey,” The phone is silent for a minute before she says anything. 

“Don’t call me again, Dean.” 

“What? What the hell? Did I do something?” She doesn’t reply, and just hangs up. 

“Fuck.” Dean slams the phone back on its base and throws his hands up. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with her!” Jo pokes her head out of the kitchen and makes a face. 

“I don’t know, when did you see her last?” She shouts, going back to work on peeling a few potatoes. 

“The party on Saturday? I was going to meet up with her then but…” He drops off and tries to remember what happened before he blacked out. “Shit.” He pulls on his boots and grabs his keys. “Jo, I’ll be back later, don’t bother fixing me any!” 

“What? Where are you…” But she’s cut off by the front door slamming shut behind him. Dean hurries down the steps and practically jumps into his car where it’s parked behind the building. The longer Lisa is left alone to stew, the worse his case will be. 

Through the foggy bits of his memory before waking up in the hospital at five AM, he remembers someone’s tongue down his throat. Shit. He turns the key and squeals out into the street. Her apartment is only a fifteen-minute drive and he’s there in ten, her green sedan parked out front, letting him know she’s in. Though her roommate tries to prevent him from coming in. 

“Lisa? Wait let me talk!” He shouts through the crack in the door. “It’s not what you think it is, I swear!” He hears her mumble an ‘It’s okay’ to her roommate and the door swings open, nearly dropping him on the floor. “Lise.” Her dark hair is tied back, two strands left framing her face, which is red from crying he guesses. “Babe,” he starts, reaching for her. And she waves her roommate away. 

“Dean, what the hell is wrong with you?” He winces at her tone, “I see you kissing some random girl at a party, and then I don’t hear from you for days? Not to mention you didn’t go back home after the party, which I had to hear from Jo.” 

“It wasn’t like that, really!” He has his hands up in defense, his fight or flight response yelling at him to run, but he stays put. 

“Then how was it?” She props her hands up on her hips. Waiting for him to start. 

“I didn’t kiss her,” She rolled her eyes. “No, I mean, she kissed me and slipped me a pill, I didn’t know!” 

“So, you got drugged? Is that what you’re trying to say?” 

“Not exactly, but she pulled me upstairs, and I pushed her away! Nothing happened! You can ask Cas!” Thank god for Cas, his only alibi, though he was lying a little to Lisa. “He came to check on me, make sure I was okay, and I stayed with him! I swear!” 

Lisa sighed and took a deep breath. “Okay, but you can’t just expect me to know all of this. I saw you go upstairs with a girl, and then I left, and you never showed up at home. What was I supposed to think?” 

“I’m sorry I worried you.” He hoped he sounded bigger than he felt. She eventually gave in and wrapped her arms around his middle, setting her head against his chest. 

“I know.” 

Dean stayed with Lisa that night, reassuring both of them that he loved her. He had told himself when he came to California that he would settle in, and there was Lisa. So, he was finally settling in like a normal person. He felt a pang in his stomach at that thought. He was trying to be normal. He fell asleep after a long night of trying not to toss and turn to not wake up Lisa. And he woke up to her hair tickling his nose. Her head was nestled against his chest and he planted a kiss on her head before untangling himself. Glancing at his watch, he had thirty minutes to be at work and he whispered so to Lisa when he was tying his laces and heading out, looking over his shoulder at her moving to the warm spot where Dean was laying. And he frowned. 

Work was as long as it usually was, a few new projects he started, to be finished next week. A motorcycle that was lucky to not be totaled, and a van that he finished to be returned. Dean didn’t hate working at the mechanics, he could let his hands do their thing without even telling them, his mind wondering elsewhere. This wasn’t usually a problem, but he kept thinking about the other day at the beach with Cas. The water beaded across his chest when he was floating on his back, which in of itself was a miracle, Dean could never float. Sammy used to say he floated like a rock. He’d actually had a really good time, and he guessed saving someone’s life meant that you’d get closer. Cas reminded Dean a little of Benny, which sent a wave of shame through his body, but only in the ways that he figured counted. He felt like he could trust Cas, like they could sit in silence, not that they would, and be perfectly comfortable. Dean kept his brain from venturing too far in the Cas and Benny direction, snapping his attention back to his work after pinching his finger in between the engine and coolant of a chevy. 

Finally, he was able to clock out. The other guys around him chattering about their weekends and wives, one in particular, Harley, elbowing him asking about Lisa. 

“Ah, she’s fine. Got her off my back about something that didn’t even happen. She worries too much you know?” Harley chuckled and went on talking about his girls, yes plural, and about how Dean was ‘just a youngin’ dealin’ with girl problems’. Which was true he supposed. He had made plans to meet up with Sam and the guys at the bar after his shift at the diner, which he had an hour till. He’d have enough time in between to shower and eat. Back-to-back shifts were going to be ending in August, he’d have too many classes to balance three jobs. 

The diner wasn’t too terribly busy for a Friday, which he thanked god for. Not very many bitchy customers either, just the occasional gluten-free nut. Ten minutes before closing, the bell chimed. 

“Sorry, we close in ten.” Dean called behind his shoulder, sweeping up beneath the booths. 

“Hey, Dean.” Cas. Dean let out a sigh, which he managed to stifle with a cough into his elbow before straightening up. 

“Hey Cas, uh, you can just sit anywhere. It’s just me closing tonight and I still gotta count the money.” He waved towards the tables that were scattered around, almost all of them having the chairs flipped. Cas sat himself down at the bar and fiddled with a stray straw wrapper while Dean made his way to the register to count. 

“You going to the bar after?” Cas looked up, watching Dean take out the ones to count them. And he nodded and murmured an mhm. “I figured we could just walk over together, since it’s just down the street.” He just watched Dean mouth the numbers as he counted before writing down in a notepad. “Did you get ahold of Lisa?” Dean looked up at him for that before nodding. “Sam mentioned it, I was just wondering.” 

“Yea,” He wrapped the last stack of bills in a rubber band, dropping it in the safe. “I went to talk to her last night, we got it worked out. You’re my alibi.” He laughed, unwrapping his apron and walking back to the office to put it in his locker. 

Dean noticed Cas’s rolled up sleeves, exposing his forearms. His dark hair had gel in the front, spiking it up, and his lips were parted where he bit at it. Dean pulled his eyes away and turned around to grab his keys of the counter, clearing his throat. 

They walked down the street to the bar, chatting idly about Dean’s work and about why Cas wanted to be a paramedic, which was a funny story. Funnier than his most recent experience of keeping Dean from killing himself. In the bar, Sam, Brady, and Kevin were sat at a table laughing hysterically at a joke about their LSATs or some shit Dean probably wouldn’t’ve gotten. Dean and Cas sat down in the two remaining chairs and ordered drinks. Dean taking Sam’s glass and draining it. 

“Long day?” Sam chuckled. 

“Absolutely.” He ran a hand over his face, “You’d think an old lady would know better than to put oil in her coolant tank but guess not. Spent all morning trying to get that shit cleared out.” They drank and chatted merrily, and Dean avoided looking too long at the man who sat beside him, and his blue eyes and toned arms. Instead, he talked about Lisa and when Sam was gonna lock Jess down. 

“You know? We’re fucking kids!” Dean finally slurred out, “We should get to act stupid and do dumb shit!” Earning a ‘hear hear’ from Brady and Kevin, and a laugh from Sam. Outside, they could hear the beginnings of a thunderstorm. One of the few they’d witnessed in Dean’s time in California. Without having a chance to stop him, Dean bolted for the door. Pushing it open and falling out into the rain. 

“Woah!” Sam stumbled after him, trying to catch up but it was too late. Dean was running around in the rain like he didn’t have a care in the world. And he grabbed Sam by the wrists and pulled him into the storm as well. Brady whooped and hollered from the door, and the bartender just rolled her eyes at the group. Eventually, they all left the building and were shoving each other and laughing in the rain. Dean saw Cas watching him with a smile and he pushed his head with a shit-eating grin. Cas lunged after him, but Dean was too quick and jogged out to the front of the group, walking backwards as he talked. 

“You hear that boys?!” He shouted, a couple under an umbrella watched the odd group. “That is the sound of freedom!” And on cue, the thunder rumbled in the distance, making the rest of them bust out into laughter. 

Dean and Cas had too much to drink and so Dean offered his couch to Cas, waving off Sam and the rest as they drove off. Rain only pattering off of the rooftops now. And the duo stumbled up the rickety steps to Dean’s apartment, where Jo sat watching a movie about space. A bucket of popcorn in her lap, which she nearly spilled when the boys walked in. Dean plopped onto the couch next to Jo, leaning up against her, which earned him an elbow to the stomach while he grabbed some popcorn. 

“Ew! You’re all wet! Get the hell off me.” She turned to shove Dean off of her who was threatening to give her a big ol’ hug. 

“Fine, fine.” He said, laughing at her, but he shook his head like a dog, spreading speckles of water all over her. She could do nothing but protect her popcorn. 

“Get out of here!” She yelled with one last shove, a smile on her lips, but meaning every word. 

Dean jumped off the couch and headed to his room, leaving the door open. “Oh! Cas? You want some dry clothes too?” He called through the open door, wiggling out of his pants and peeling his shirt off. Cas appeared at the door, not bothering to hide his stare. “Here,” Dean threw one of his own tees and a pair of sweats his way before grabbing some for himself. He offered his room up to Cas, who was barely standing up straight, to get changed. 

“Thanks Dean,” He said, shutting the door behind him. Dean walked into the bathroom for a towel, which he dried his arms and hair with, dropping it on the back of the couch and seeing what Jo was so invested in. 

“Star Wars?” 

“Yes Dean. Star Wars, you gotta watch it from the beginning though you idiot.” But she didn’t change the channel. 

“I’ve seen most of it anyways, it doesn’t matter.” He plunged his hand back in the popcorn bowl, dropping some on the couch before shoving it into his mouth. 

“God, you’re an animal.” She laughed, “Where the hell did Cas go?” Dean looked back at his door, still shut and shrugged at Jo. He stood up and knocked on the door before opening it, Cas was passed out on his bed. Dean’s semi-drunk thoughts couldn’t be stopped, and he thought ‘Cute’. Cas’s wet hair was curled and leaving a puddle on his pillow, his body sprawled on top of the blanket, luckily Dean and Cas wore similar sized clothes, so everything fit alright. Dean closed the door softly behind him and sat back down next to Jo. Mind flooded with the image of Cas laid out on his bed. He shook his head softly and tried to pay attention to the movie, but fell asleep against the armrest, dreaming about the beach and Cas.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean grabbed his camera, which had been freshly restocked with film, and shoved it into his backpack with his beach towel. Hearing a rattle at the bottom of the bag he reached in, feeling the plastic bottle and pushed it back to the bottom without thinking. 

“Dean! Are you coming or what?” Jo yelled from the kitchen table, where she was holding her towel and car keys. “And I’ll drive us home, I know how you get at parties.” She laughed with a grin. Dean pulled a short-sleeved button up across his back before tossing his bag on his shoulder. 

“Yea yea, say what you will, but at least I know how to party!” Jo shoved his head as he darted out the door, and she locked it behind them. “Everyone else meeting us there?” He practically danced down the steps. 

“Yes, man how did I get stuck living with you?” She shook her head and tossed him the keys to drive them there. 

“Stroke of luck?” He chuckled and started the car, tossing his bag into the back seat. Both him and Jo had given up on not getting sand in their cars, long ago, after about three times of vacuuming it out of the carpets. Now they could start their own beach with the sand in the floorboards. 

They drove back out to the beach that they usually went to. Where they were joining their friends, and just about every other twenty something-year-old kid in the bay area for a Fourth of July party. Usually, there were boats who’d go just off the coast and set off a huge display of fireworks once the sun had set. It was really a sight to see. 

Pulling into the grass lot, they spotted Sam and Jess getting out of his car and opening the trunk. Dean found a spot nearby, grabbed his bag, and jogged over to them. 

“Hey Sammy! Excited for the show?” It was still a few hours till sunset, but the lot was filling up, he figured everyone on the coast would be flooding to the beaches for fireworks soon. 

“Yes!” Sam grabbed a towel that had rolled back, “I think I heard someone say they were supposed to be having even more than they did last year. I’m pumped!” Jess grabbed his face and kissed his cheek as Jo walked up. 

“Hey guys!” She pulled up her top and tightened the string behind her neck. “Is everyone else here yet?” 

“I didn’t see Cas or Anna pull up yet, but I think everyone else is already on the beach.” Jess said. 

And she was right. Even Kevin was there, eating his fill on something he pulled out of a cooler and washing it down with an energy drink. He’d be lucky to not have a stroke by thirty. Brady wasn’t far behind him, chatting up a red head who was shorter than anyone in their group. And Lisa, was already settled into their spot, towel already laid out and weighted by a bottle of water and a can of coke. She smiled and stood while they made their way over to get everything set up. 

“Hiya babe,” She said, wrapping her arms around Dean’s neck, kissing him on the mouth. “Ready for the fireworks?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” He smiled against her lips before looking out to the crowd forming around the volleyball net. “Are Cas and Anna here yet?” 

“Man, you guys are like best friends now, what happened in June?” Lisa laughed, Dean just smiled and sat his bag down, pulling out his towel and fanning it out between Lisa’s and Sam’s. Who had gone to grab them the six pack from the car. 

It didn’t take too long for people to set up a speaker and blare music across the beach, picking up the energy and making people sway to the beat. A game of Volleyball was already in swing and Sam and Jess had dragged them over to watch, Dean having already knocked back two beers, was very disinterested in the game. He kept distractedly twirling a coil of Lisa’s hair between his fingers while he watched the tide pull in and out. He thought of Cas falling over onto him and needing to get into the water to distract himself. It wasn’t cheating if you didn’t act on it. At least that’s what he told himself. 

The beach got fuller and fuller, blankets crumpled in piles, abandoned for the party. Cas and Anna finally showed up, Anna seeming wound up before nearly chugging a cup of liquid Dean didn’t even bother asking the contents of. 

“What’s her deal?” Dean muttered to Cas, who had walked up next to him, beer in hand. 

“Ugh. Her dad called, said something about her being irresponsible and, blah blah blah about her not spending the holiday with them. I don’t know. It seems like bull to me.” He took a swig of his drink. 

“Yikes.” Dean still had his arms wrapped loosely around Lisa, swaying with the music while she watched the game, which Jess had joined. Sam had mentioned she was kinda sporty. Her long hair was pulled back into a ponytail, a few curls escaping the knot. She was certainly pretty; Dean couldn’t hardly wait for Sam to propose. It’d be a matter of time before he’d have nieces and nephews running around, though he hoped Sam would wait till he graduated, so he wouldn’t have to split his attention between them and school. 

Dean glanced back where Cas had left his side, walking to drop his stuff in a pile on Dean’s towel. He watched the other man wander to the edge of the water and sit down, just looking into the sunset. His skin was striking in the evening light, hair a little lighter from when they first met, it having been bleached by the summer sun. Cas traced his finger in the sand beside him, and Dean was too busy being distracted to notice that Lisa was talking. 

“… and then I told her that she needed to stop seeing him obviously! I mean god she’s ridiculous. They’ve broken up three times already, you’d think it would stick!” Dean planted a kiss on her shoulder and loosened his arms around her to go get another beer. She walked away too, talking to Anna about her roommate’s relationship problems and letting Anna bitch about her family. Dean reached into a cooler and pulled out a bottle of vodka, a drink he hadn’t had since, well the night he went to the hospital. He frowned and grabbed rum instead, pouring it into a cup and mixing it with a can of coke. 

Letting out a sigh and taking a drink, he watched the last groups of people wander onto the beach. The sun was just dipping below the horizon and it wouldn’t be too long till the fireworks started up. He remembered his polaroid and walked over to the towels to grab it, noticing that Cas was stood up now but still kicking his feet in the shallow water. So, he headed over to talk to him. 

“Hey Cas, whatcha doing over here?” Dean asked, knocking his shoulder against Cas’s, making him jump with the sudden closeness. 

“Oh, just watching the sunset.” He smiled softly, “It’s one of my favorite things about living at the coast. Sunset on the ocean.” His eyes were fixed on the colors reflecting off the clouds. For the second time on this beach, Dean would’ve called him beautiful. 

Another forty minutes passed before the sun dipped completely below the horizon, leaving all the kids to gather in their spots on the beach in anticipation. Dean has taken one of the pills in the bottom of his bag and is now snapping photos of his friends. One of Sam with his arms wrapped around Jess, two of Kevin, Brady, and Cas dicking around, and another, an up-close of Lisa, her brown hair pinned back at the sides and her smile wide. 

Then, with a bang, the first firework has shot in the sky. It exploded in a huge sphere of red and magenta, shimmering down against the dark backdrop. Dean pulls his camera away and lets it hang around his neck by the strap. Pulling Lisa close but leaning over to point at the colors with Cas. 

The red explosion sets off a chain reaction all across the beach, each boat sending up one after another after another, greens and blues, reds, and a few shimmery gold ones that rain down glitter into the sea. Dean is enamored by the colors, which are swirling around like a pop art version of Van Gogh’s Starry Night. The sand is shifting around at his feet, swirling like a tidepool has opened up below him, and he convinces himself that there isn’t one because Lisa would surely notice if one had. Cas is standing close enough to touch, his eyes lit up with the colors in the sky. He feels the urge to reach out to him, make sure he’s real. But he doesn’t. Instead, he washes down another pill with a swig of his drink. 

“Dean? Did you hear me?” Dean’s attention was fluttering all over the place before landing on Lisa, who stood in front of him. 

“What?” Dean grinned sheepishly, “sorry babe, wasn’t paying attention.” 

“I said, I think I’m gonna go home. It’s getting late.” He’d lost track of time, looking at the fireworks die down into the smaller ones. People along the beach now setting off the occasional firecracker and tossing them at each other and laughing hysterically. 

“Okay, be careful!” He grabbed her face and looked at her dark eyes, planting a kiss on her top lip. If it were any lighter out, she’d see how dilated his pupils were. And the answer would be, very. Under his bare feet, the sand felt like quicksand, only he wasn’t sinking. 

“You too.” Lisa set her hands on his chest and kissed him back before walking back towards her car. He waved as she left and turned back to his group, where Brady and Kevin were among the idiots tossing firecrackers around. The pops making Dean’s head throb. 

Just beyond them, the ocean pulled in and out of the land. Like lungs breathing. The waves seemed to coil and sway in every direction, pulling Dean in like a magnet. He wandered over to the edge, the laughter sounding far behind him. This time, there was no ceiling to cave in on him, just the looming darkness of sky and sea. He stood ankle-deep in the salt water, letting it wash over his feet and climb up his calves. 

“Dean?” Cas’s deep voice called from behind him, seeming far away, but Dean turned, and he was right behind him. “Dean, let’s not go for a swim right now.” Cas moved his head and caught Dean by the jaw to get a good look at him. Thank god it was dark because this made a blush creep across the back of his neck and into his cheeks. “Dean, what did you take?” His eyebrows furrowed and a frown pulled at his lips, which Dean examined closely, barely keeping himself from touching them, just to see how they felt. 

“Nothin’.” Dean shrugged. His arms were heavy at his side, but he could feel the waves crashing at the back of his calves, cold and affirming. Like it was where he had to be. 

“Obviously,” Cas shook his head. “God, you’re a real idiot. You know that?” But he didn’t let go of Dean, just letting his hand drop to Dean’s wrist. “Come on, lets get you home before you pass out.” He sighed and pulled Dean past their friends. He heard Cas mumble something to Sam about taking Dean home, he’s had too much to drink, and Dean loses the rest in translation. He can only focus on Cas’s hand around his wrist. 

Cas tosses Dean’s bag across his shoulder and makes sure he’s collected their things before continuing to pull Dean to his car. Setting him down in the passenger seat and throwing their things in the back, careful to not close any of Dean’s fingers in the door and heads to the driver side. 

Dean’s head lolls back against the headrest and he turns to watch Cas drive. “Cas, you’re so pretty.” Dean mutters half to himself. Not caring that it was something he would be keeping in normally. “Real pretty.” 

“Ha-ha, very funny.” Cas chuckles, “You know, if I’d known how much work you’d be I would’ve hesitated to join your group.” He glances over at Dean, who is still shamelessly watching him. 

“You’re mad.” Tears brim his eyes, and he looks straight ahead, the lights of oncoming cars swirling around like fireflies. 

“No, I just don’t want you to end up killing yourself.” Cas turns on the radio, turning the volume down. “You have a bad habit of getting yourself into trouble.” 

“I’m sorry.” Dean tries to sense any tone of anger in Cas’s voice, and only looks back at him when he can’t find any. His eyes are wobbling but he can still trace his jawline and see how his muscles move when he turns the wheel. Very pretty. 

When they finally reach Dean’s apartment, Cas shuts off the car and pulls Dean out, holding his arm across his shoulder to keep him upright. He reaches in and grabs his bag before locking the car and helping Dean up the steps. He has to dig through the backpack before he finds the keys to the front door, trying two before getting it right. He mumbles to himself and leads Dean to his own bed. 

“I’m sorry, Cas.” And he means it. “I didn’t mean for you to do this.” His voice is still slightly slurred but he knows what’s going on around him. 

“It’s okay, I’m just looking out for you.” Dean watches him take the bottle of pills out of his bag and walk out of the room. The toilet flushes before Cas walks back in. “You need to get some sleep.” Dean half expects him to be angry, to yell, to hurt him because he screwed up. But Cas doesn’t. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I… you don’t deserve this.” Dean drops his head back against his bed. “You’re pretty, and I’m a mess. I’m sorry.” He looks back at Cas, who is pulling Dean’s shoes off. When did he get them back on? And he pulls the blankets across his chest. Dean finally realizes that he wants Cas to stay, to lay with him. To sit on top of a car and look at the stars with him. But he says nothing. 

“It’s really okay Dean. I promise.” He smiles softly at Dean huddled up beneath his blankets. After a moment, he’s asleep and Cas decides he’s safe enough to leave and he shuts the bedroom door quietly behind him. Grabbing the empty pill container and tossing it into the trash can in the bathroom where he flushed the contents. 

Dean wakes up the next morning, head throbbing uncomfortably, letting him know he drank too much last night. Memories of the fireworks, and Lisa, and Cas, and being led back to his apartment afterwards wash over him. Shit. Dean sat up abruptly, not paying any mind to his headache and looking around for his things. His backpack was on the floor and most of the contents had since been emptied beside it. He rolled out of bed and searched for the pill container that he knew should be in there. But it was gone. He racked his brain and groaned, recalling Cas grabbing them and flushing the toilet. He’s flushed them. It was probably for the best, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed off. Dean flung the backpack against the wall, letting the remains of whatever was left in there spill out. Shit. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so short! just giving some more background and memories! :)

Pulling the photo from underneath his pillowcase, Dean ran his small hands over the picture of his mom. John didn’t keep very many pictures out anymore. He remembered how softly his mom had hugged him, how nice her voice was, and when she took him and baby Sammy for walks when daddy was at work. But it had been a few years since then. Mary and John didn’t have the perfect marriage, and Mary wasn’t the perfect mom, of course Dean knew that. But that didn’t make it any easier to remember her. It still hurt. He was seven now, but it was hard to not get sad that he’d never see her again outside of photos. Sammy would never get his mom to take him for another walk. 

Dean looked over at the crib where Sam slept, his blankets rising and falling with his breaths. Dean felt like the dad. John wasn’t around very much, and when he was, he could barely look at his boys. Dean knew that John didn’t meet his eyes because they were the same stark shade of green, and his freckles matched hers. But he was still hoping John would perk up one day and be their dad again. He’d hold Sammy sometimes, on the good days, but he never held Dean. Save for the week his mother died, which was the only comfort he provided. So, Dean settled for keeping an old shirt of his moms to sleep with and pretend she was still here. 

“Dean!” John called from the kitchen, pulling Dean to his feet to hear what he was saying. “I’ll be gone this weekend. Look out for Sammy.” John left ten bucks for food and headed out, leaving a Dean to babysit his three-year-old brother. He had long since given up on claiming it wasn’t fair. He knew it wasn’t. 

“Come on Sammy, let’s go outside for a little while.” He grabbed some of the last fruit snacks from the cupboard and held Sammy’s chubby little hand to walk him outside. The summer Kansas air was dry, but they were used to it. 

By Tuesday, John still hadn’t returned, and the kids hadn’t been given enough money to last very long so Dean read the numbers off a post-it that Bobby gave to him last time they visited. 

“Hello?” Bobby’s voice was rough, and Dean could imagine his beard scratching against the receiver. 

“Bobby,” He looked over to where Sammy was napping on the couch, “Have you seen my dad?” 

“He’s not with you?” Bobby let out a frustrated sigh. “I haven’t, when did he leave?” 

“On Friday morning.” He fidgeted with the coils in the phone line. “We have food money, but not enough.” 

“Okay, Dean. I’ll head up there soon, you guys just stay put alright?” 

“Yes, sir.” And the phone line went dead. Bobby lived a few hours away but Dean had been taking care of Sammy for days, not including the weeks’ worth of time he had spent practically raising him while John was away. 

Bobby showed up in time for dinner, carrying a box of pizza and pulling Dean into a hug. 

“You alright kid?” 

“Yea.” This wasn’t the first time Bobby had to come out to watch over them, and It sure as hell wouldn’t be the last. They turned on a movie and Bobby held Sam in his arms till he fell asleep and took him to lay him down in his cot. Dean scarfed down another slice of pizza and started to clean up some of the dishes in the kitchen when Bobby walked back out. 

“Dean, I’ll get that.” His eyes were full of understanding. “You go get washed up and get ready for bed, you hear?” Dean nodded. 

___ 

A little over a decade later, Sam quietly brought up the idea of going to college. Which based on John’s reaction, you’d think was an affront to God. Dean constantly got between the two as a buffer, keeping Sammy out of harm’s way. 

“It’s college! I’m not disgracing the damn family!” Sam had yelled at his father from beyond Dean’s shoulder. 

“You will be leaving us! Abandoning me to take care of everything! I’m trying to keep this family together!” 

“I’m not leaving forever!” Sam ran his hands through his hair and sighed. 

“Maybe you should.” This caught both boys’ attention, “If you walk out that door, you better stay gone.” John’s words were harsh and cold, and Dean couldn’t believe he was saying them. Sure, Dean had been upset when Sammy told him he’d be going to college. But it was because he’d be leaving him with dad. And soon, Sam would be walking out of his life forever, and he could do nothing but watch. 

That night Sam packed up all his stuff and caught a bus out of town. Dean waited for months for a phone call that never came. And John took out all his anger on his remaining son, the one who had stayed so loyal to him and who defended him to every social worker who visited despite the million reasons he had to rat him out. So, dean spent more time at Benny’s, which in the long run, would get him into more trouble once John found out, but Dean couldn’t find it in him to care. Benny was the only one who made Dean feel like he was worth anything. But that was before.


	11. Chapter 11

August finally rolled around, bringing with it a slew of homework and the college kids that had gone home for the summer. Dean had quit his job at the diner, no matter how badly he needed to save up, because he didn’t have enough time to do the mechanics, and Carpenter’s on top of it all. Though, luckily, the latter could be used as an extra two credits towards his certification. Sam and Jess and their other friends also started back up at school, Sam being ground to the bone with a whopping 15 credit hours of law school buildup. Cas had moved back into his dorm in San Francisco. But he’d promised to come back and check in on them every once in a while, it wasn’t a very long drive after all. 

Dean found himself missing seeing Cas around like he had in the summer, but he didn’t have someone keeping an eye on him at every party they went to now. 

“Ok so tile roofing is…” Dean mumbled to himself, in damn near the dead of night. “best for… dammit!” He had a test the next day, and his notetaking hadn’t seemed to stick. He was sat on his floor, a secondhand textbook opened in front of him on the floor, and a scattered pile of notes that he began sifting through. 

“Fuck this.” He finally gave up looking for the pros and cons for concrete versus tile versus metal roofing and flopped into his bed. He tossed and turned for a hour before nodding off to sleep. 

The week dragged on for two more days until the weekend finally came, the weekend became sacred time for the group, Dean not having any work on it, and the rest of them not overbooked with classwork, usually. Dean pushed himself up groggily in his bed on Saturday morning, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and remembering the… vivid details of his dream. Which had of course gotten him all hot and bothered, pitching a tent in his blankets. He remembered how, in the dream, Cas’s chest was flush with his own, hips grinding against his and biting at his neck and shoulders. Remembering it did not help his case. 

As if having a sex dream of your best friend wasn’t bad enough, Cas was coming to visit this weekend. Dean felt a pile of guilt shift onto his shoulders and he went to get a shower. This was the first time in near weeks where they were all free, so naturally, they were going all out. They were planning on going out to the clubs downtown in San Jose. Dean finished washing up and started to the kitchen to fix lunch, Jo had work this morning but would be getting back here soon. She’d probably want to catch a few hours of sleep before they all headed out at eight, so Dean would head over to Sam’s to give her some peace and quiet. He threw together two sandwiches, leaving one in the fridge for Jo and sat himself down on the couch, flicking on the TV. He let the cartoons run for a while, reminding him of when he was a kid and sat right up to the screen, earning him a flick to the back of the head for being dumb. 

“Honey I’m home!” Jo laughed wearily, “God, I’m starving.” 

“There’s a sandwich in the fridge for ya.” He replied, not bothering to look up from his show. “Long day at work?” 

“The longest. Sandy tried to make me stay till four but there was no way she could’ve made me. She’d have to start paying me more, for starters.” She disappeared into the kitchen and dropped her things at the table. “You’re a god-send.” She said through a mouth of sandwich. 

After she finished eating and mellowing out, Jo retired to her room to get some shut eye before tonight. Dean grabbed a nice shirt to change into and grabbed his keys, heading to Sam’s. The drive in between their apartments wasn’t a long one, but the weather was nice, and the wind was blowing softly through his windows, so he decided to drive around for a bit. 

Turning up the radio, the ‘golden era’ of rock, as he called it, flowed through his car and into the open air. The sun was thankfully blocked by a few clouds that littered the sky, allowing it to not beat down on him as much. His freckles stark against even his tanned skin, and hair nearly blonde. Dean hummed along to Asia and thumped his thumbs to the beat, breathing in the perfection in this moment. 

About an hour later, he pulled up in front of Sam’s building, putting his car in park. Sam’s place was more of a house split between him and Jess and a few other college students, the paint was old and dark, but it was still welcoming. Most of the housemates knew Dean by this point, him having lived there for a few months. So, he let himself in. 

“Sammy?” Dean called up the stairs. A few of the roommates were moving around in the kitchen and one was studying on the couch, who gave Dean a death glare for interrupting. Sam lumbered down the steps, pulling a shirt over his head. 

“Hey Dean!” Sam wrung the water out of his hair and headed to the kitchen.” Jess is getting a shower, help yourself to anything that’s mine or just chill if you want. I haven’t eaten yet.” Dean eyed the kid who had given him the stink eye and decided to ‘chill’ outside. The backyard wasn’t that big, but they had a large, mismatched collection of patio furniture which circled a fire pit, which he sat at and kicked his feet up. Enjoying the weather and smelling the beach, like you could anywhere in town. 

“What’ve you been up to today?” Sam plopped down beside him, taking a bite out of a wrap. 

“Showered and ate, went for a drive on my way over. Oh, and Jo is off work, she’s sleeping till we head out.” 

“Awesome.” He shooed a fly away and took another bite. 

“So, have you decided if you’re gonna propose?” Dean grinned when Sam nearly choked on his food. 

“… yea. I’m gonna wait till October, I think. I’ve got the ring Dean.” He smiled wide, pulling the box out of his pocket, as if he were prepared for this conversation. 

Dean opened the box and saw the little diamond shimmering in the sunlight. “Damn, Sammy.” He said, handing it back with a smile. “You’re growing up on me. I’m real proud of you man.” They chatted on about how of course Jess would say yes, and then the plans for tonight and how Dean said he’d get shitfaced. 

“Hey boys!” Jess called out from the porch, a towel on her head. “Getting into trouble out there?” 

“Loads!” Man, he couldn’t wait for a wedding. 

Finally, seven o’clock rolled around. Jess was all dressed up, and the boys had put on something only slightly nicer than their usual clothes, a nice button up. Dean would be riding with Cas and Anna, and they’d pick Lisa up on their way. Dean hopped in the back seat when Anna pulled up to the curb, noticing Cas’s spiked up hair, and remembering his dream. Which he then shook away in a hurry. 

“Hey Dean! Long time no see!” Anna didn’t bother turning down the radio. 

“Ha-ha, work’ll do that to you.” Cas looked back at him with a smile, his blue eyes making Dean shift in his seat. He thanked god that mind readers weren’t real, because if they were, he’d be in big trouble. Then, they swung by Lisa’s, whose short dress glittered, and her hair was curled into a ponytail. 

“Hey babe,” Dean leaned over when she got in to press a kiss into her neck. “You look good.” 

“You too, makes all the difference when you try!” She laughed, pushing him away. She was beautiful, but Dean couldn’t keep his mind on her. Cas was wearing a white button up with slacks and his skin was tanned beneath it, his collarbones peeking out from where the first few buttons were left open. Dean scolded himself for noticing, but god, he couldn’t help it. 

By the time Sam, Jess, and Jo showed up their group of four had already started drinking. The sun set slowly against the skyline of the city, and Jo hurried to get caught up. She knocked back three shots, shocking Dean most of all, but he had worked his way through two glasses of his drink. The music playing familiarly around them as they all got roaringly drunk, with the exception of Anna and Sam. 

Dean pulled Lisa in closer, breathing hotly against her neck and pulling her with the music, her arms tangled around his neck. “I wish we could stay like this,” She said into his hear, “Right in this moment.” This made Dean’s gut wrench, threatening to send his liquor flying. She must’ve seen it on his face because she pushed him back and pulled her eyebrows together. “What? Did I say too much?” 

“Huh? No, I... I just don’t, I don’t feel too well.” He knew he sounded not confident in himself at all. He glances back to where Cas and Sam sit at their table, chatting away. 

“You know if you don’t want to do this you can just tell me!” Lisa starts making her way to the exit. 

“Lisa, wait. God!” He trails after her onto the sidewalk. “Can we not do this now, Jesus.” 

“What is it too much for you to talk to me about anything?” She’s grasping right now, but they’re both drunk and they know it. 

“Lisa, can you stop doing this?” This catches her attention, and she shoves Dean. “Stop making me out like I said something I didn’t or did something to hurt you, I said I wasn’t feeling well!” 

“No, you know what fuck you Dean!” And now they’re arguing in front of a bar on a busy street. She had been blowing things like this out of proportion for the duration of their relationship, but apparently, this was the last straw. 

“I just need a goddamn second!” 

“No, you know what. Take all the time you need. I’m done.” She stormed back into the bar for her purse and scowled at Dean. 

“Fuck’s sake!” Dean kicks the brick wall, a few older men chuckling in their seats at a restaurant a few meters away. Like they’ve seen this show a million times. College kids thinking it means something to date, but their partner being a disconnect. 

Dean walks back into the bar and orders another drink, which he promptly knocks back the whole thing in one go. Letting himself loosen up. Lisa was always picking fights anymore, reading too far into Dean’s words and actions. Seeing things that weren’t happening. 

“Dean! Hey, man.” Sam walked up next to him, where he was already ordering another drink. “What happened, Lisa looked pissed. I think Anna’s taking her home?” 

“Good. I’m fucking done trying to explain myself to her.” 

“Woah, what happened?” Sam asked. 

“Nothing I can’t handle. Look, I came here to have fun, so I’m damn well gonna have fun.” Cas walked up and Dean softened a little. “Hey Cas! My favorite Cas!” He threw an arm around him and gave Sam a look that meant ‘Drop it.’ They danced for another little while before deciding to move on to a different place, Ricardo’s. Which had loud music, and bright lights. 

Dean whooped into the night, yelling gleefully at the streets as they all wandered to Ricardo’s. He was stumbling a little and smiling widely at his friends. Sam and Jess only watched him, laughing, before Sam joined him in hooting and hollering. Pretty soon, their whole group was laughing and yelling into the night, other people on the sidewalks chuckling at their behavior. As was typical in a college town on a Saturday night. 

Inside Ricardo’s the music thrummed loudly and the people dances closely. Dean wasted no time joining them, and soon was dancing with a girl whose name he didn’t hear. He pulled her hips towards his and danced with her their bodies flowing together under the colorful lights. A few songs later he excused himself to get a drink from the bar. Where he found Cas seated, looking at the crowd. 

“Hey Cas!” Dean yelled over the music, leaning in to hear him. 

“Having fun?” He laughed; Dean took notice of the lights playing smoothly across his face. 

“Yes! Why aren’t you dancing?” He ordered a shot and looked back at the crowd, Sam and Jess were dancing near the outskirts and Jo had found someone to buy her drinks. 

“Eh. Not much of a dancer!” Dean gulped his drink down and coughed into his hand. 

“Bullshit!” He grabbed Cas by the hand and pulled him from the bar into the crowd. They were pushed together by the people moving around him and Dean grabbed Cas by the hips, instructing him how to move. Cas felt solid beneath his hands, the muscle in his stomach twisting with their moves. Cas’s eyes were piercing even in the pink and blue lights. He watched Cas pick up on his own movements and glanced at his lips, licking his own unknowingly. It was too loud to talk, so they didn’t bother. Dean just tightened his grip and let the music move him with Cas. He was buzzing with spirits, had he not drunk anything, he was sure he’d be embarrassed by how close Cas’s body was to his own, or by how he could smell his drink on his breath. But especially by how his fingers met skin as Cas’s shirt rode up. 

Time passed blurrily as the alcohol worked its way through both of their systems, their inhibitions lowered to near extinction, and they were right up against each other. The people around them didn’t notice or care that they were dancing so closely, or that Dean was drinking Cas in with his eyes. Hungrily looking over the other man’s lips and collarbones where they peeked from beneath his shirt. 

“Hey guys!” Jess appeared beside them, scaring Dean out of his train of thought. “Do you want to ride back with us or catch a cab?” 

“We’ll come.” Dean murmured, only backing away from Cas enough to appear like buddies. Jess shrugged and waved, walking towards the doors where Sam and Jo were waiting. Dean looked at his watch, reading 1:40. He grabbed Cas by the hand and led him through the crowd to the rest of their friends before letting his hand fall to his side. 

They all settled into Sam’s car, who turned the music up and tried to keep his eyes on the road but kept getting distracted by Jess. Jo was up against the window and was already passed out. Dean let his eyes wander over Cas as they rode, the city changing behind him as they neared home. Cas let his head rest on Dean’s shoulder, and Dean traced his fingers over Cas’s knuckles. Outlining the bone and tendons just beneath the skin. His head was still swaying heavily with drunkenness and he couldn’t prevent the smile that pulled at his lips. Dean offered to let Cas stay at his place, so they didn’t have to make as many stops. They reached the Chinese restaurant just after two and Dean, Cas and Jo stumbled out of the car. Jo rubbing at her eyes and smearing her mascara. 

“Will you guys get in okay?” Sam called after them, but Dean just waved him away, heading up the steps to unlock the door. 

Jo wasted no time falling onto the couch and promptly passing out, not even bothering to take her shoes off. And since the couch was taken, Dean led Cas to his room. 

“There’s enough room for both of us, if you’re okay with that.” Dean offered him an out, but Cas didn’t take it.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean pulled off his button up and tossed it to the floor, watching Cas pull his off over his head, not bothering to unbutton it. Dean’s breath was heavy with want, and surely Cas knew. He must’ve, because he moved slowly to where Dean sat on the edge of his bed and pulled his face in close. He closed his eyes, waiting for Cas to kiss him, and he did. Cas pulled his hands to the back of Dean’s neck running his fingers through his hair, and Dean slid his hands to his hips, where they belonged. Dean bit at his bottom lip and tried to breathe in all of Cas. He pulled away only for a moment, feeling Cas’s breath hot on his neck where he started kissing him. Dean bit back a groan and pulled Cas closer, connecting their bodies as close as they could. 

Dean was panting in agony, grinding against Cas’s thigh where he stood, until Cas pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on after him, legs tangling themselves together and breath heavy against Cas’s mouth. He could taste the liquor on their lips, and they were moving desperately for release. Cas fumbled with Dean’s belt, before working on his own, Dean wiggling out of his pants and kicking them off to the floor. Gasping at the contact where there had been a layer to prevent it. Cas grinned and kissed him deeply, putting his palm on Dean, who groaned into his mouth. The room was spinning with the alcohol and buildup, it didn’t take long for him to finish, throwing his head back against the mattress. Cas kissing down his chest to his stomach. Dean ran his fingers through his hair and flipped him over, dropping Cas on his back and taking over. He pulled down his boxers and kissed at his hips, gently mouthing at Cas. Who also didn’t last very long. 

Dean woke up the next morning, his head throbbing something terrible and he reached onto his nightstand for a bottle of aspirin. Then he noticed that Cas was next to him, and not only that, but their legs were tangled together and were wearing just their boxers. Cas breathed out and turned his head away from Dean, his bed head curling up in every which way, which Dean would’ve focused on any other time, but now a red-hot panic was setting in all through his body. They’d kissed, and based on the marks on Cas’s shoulders, they’d done a lot more than that. Dean scootched out from underneath Cas’s leg and practically ran to the bathroom, where he saw the hickeys on his own neck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dean’s hands were shaking so bad he could hardly turn on the faucet to splash some cold water on his face. He slumped against the sink, setting his forehead on the cold porcelain of the sink. He tried to breathe deeply, but found he couldn’t. He royally fucked up. He reached into the shower and shut on the cold water, hopping in and letting it wash over him. He scrubbed furiously at his skin, hands still shaking, his eyes were watering, and he held onto the wall so he wouldn’t fall. 

After showering, Dean quickly grabbed some jeans and a t shirt, throwing them on and being as quiet as possible so he didn’t wake Cas up. He threw back a couple aspirins and laced his boots up, grabbing his keys and leaving. 

Dean had walked for hours through the streets, settling on a diner he’d never been to after he couldn’t stave off hunger any longer. It was two PM, and he was hoping that by the time he got back, Cas would’ve taken the hint and left. He tried to force down a burger and fries, but his stomach was so anxious he couldn’t eat very much of it. After, he went to a beach just off the main roads. There was a mom with three little kids on one end, but it was otherwise barren. Not very many people went to the beaches along the bay, instead choosing the side that bordered the Pacific. Dean sat down in the sand, just watching the waves pull in and out just like they had for millions of years, and just like they’d keep doing for millions more. 

Dean remembered his dad telling him that God hates fags, and that’s why Mary had died, that’s why everything that was good in his life left. That’s why he had been kicked out and left for California. A new place where he could pretend, he wasn’t like that, so he wouldn’t keep ruining everything. But it was too late now. He looks back up at the waves, and feels the sun beating down on his arms and neck. Threatening a sunburn over the marks that littered his neck. He sighed. 

Cas left that afternoon without seeing Dean, not that he didn’t want to. But Dean was MIA, and so he left without even saying anything to Anna. He knew he screwed up the best friendship he’d had since he first got here, but there are some things you can’t take back, and that is one of them. He didn’t return the next weekend, or even the one after that, which wasn’t too unusual because the end of term was creeping closer and he was quickly becoming preoccupied with tests and certification prerequisites. Then September hit. 

___ 

Dean groaned at the phone ringing in the living room and prayed that Jo would get it, which she apparently was hoping he’d do. He pulled on some sweatpants and pushed his door open, the phone still ringing loudly. Glancing at the clock, it was two in the morning. 

“Hello?” Dean tried to clear the sleep out of his throat with a cough. “Hel…” But he was interrupted. 

“Dean… I… Jess…” It was Sam, Dean’s stomach dropped to the floor. 

“Sam? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” 

“It’s Jess. Can you come get me?” He hadn’t sounded so small in years, not even when he had left for college. 

“Where are you? Are you at home?” Dean was frantic now, and Jo poked her head out of her room glaring at the light he’d turned on. 

“Yea.” Dean hung up and went to pull a pair of jeans on, hollering to Jo. 

“Jo, something’s happened. Sam called, I gotta go get him.” 

“Is he okay?” 

“I…” Dean stopped; he still had no fucking clue what the call was about. “I don’t know.” He pulled on a sweatshirt and his shoes grabbing his keys and rushing out, leaving a bleary-eyed Jo behind him, dumbstruck. 

He sped the twelve-minute drive, but he saw the smoke before then. A tall pillar of ash that was billowing in the wind, even darker than the night sky. His heart sank as he pulled up, Sam’s place smoldering. The fire trucks still spraying at the dying embers and a body bag on the sidewalk where the coroner’s van was. Two ambulances were parked on the street, one peeling off with its sirens as Dean pulled up. Sam was hovering over a stretcher, and Dean threw it in park and ran out to get to him. 

“Sam! What’s going on?” Jess was on the stretcher and Dean couldn’t even look at her, her skin was cracked and inflamed, her blonde curls singed. Dean grabbed Sam and pulled his face away, to look anywhere but here. “Sam what happened?” 

“Jess…” It was all Sam could say. 

“Are you riding with?” The paramedic asked Sam, they were taking Jess to the hospital and Sam probably needed to be checked out too. 

“He is, which hospital?” Dean answered for him. 

“Stanford medical, it’s the closest one, we gotta hurry.” Dean nudged Sam into the ambulance and booked it to his car to meet them there, staying right behind the ambulance to not get too far behind. 

In the emergency room, people are running every which way, trying to save Jess, and most of their roommates were there too, some with major burns, and some better off. The nurse sat Sam down and Dean sat beside him, he had inhaled some smoke and so they hooked him up to the oxygen. All of this reminded Dean of his trip to the hospital those few months ago. From the other end of the emergency room, he heard Jess’s heart monitor rising quickly, Sam moved to go to her, but Dean had to hold him back. The doctors rushed her into one of the side rooms, but they could still hear what was going on. They still heard the heartrate fall flat, heard them trying to revive her, heard them call time of death. 

Sam was silent. They kept him there overnight to keep an eye on his lungs, and Dean stayed with him. Around seven in the morning, Sam fell asleep, he’d twitch and wince in his sleep, but he needed to get some. Dean walked into the hallway and used the phone at the nurses’ station to talk to their friends, to break the news, that he knew Sam wouldn’t be able to. He had watched Sam lose the love of his life, the girl he was gonna marry. She was gone. Dean swallowed, steeling himself for this, dialing his own home first. 

“Jo.” 

“Dean! What happened? Is he okay?” 

“Sam’s fine, it’s Jess. She… she uh,” He couldn’t even say it. 

“Oh god.” Jo sobbed on the other line. “What… what happened?” 

“A fire. Listen, I gotta call Brady and Anna.” 

“I’ll let you go,” He heard her take a deep breath. “Keep me updated.” And they hung up. Dean called both of their other friends and told Anna to call Cas. Then, he called Bobby. 

“Hey boy, I haven’t heard from you in a long time.” Bobby’s voice was gruff in the phone. 

“Bobby, it’s Sam. Uh, well Jess…” 

“What’s wrong Dean?” Bobby knew about Jess and Dean had called him a few months ago to tell him about Sam wanting to propose, which was now out the window. 

“She’s… she died.” 

“Oh.” He sighed. “How is Sam?” 

“I don’t think he’s okay Bobby.” And he was right. They hung up and Dean went back into Sam’s room, he eventually fell asleep in his chair. It had been a long night. 

The funeral was that next Saturday, the weather was nice, and the sun was shining in a way that put the memory of his mother’s funeral to shame. Dean stood silently next to his brother at the funeral, and Cas had shown up too, offering his condolences, but not meeting Dean’s eyes. Afterwards, Sam got shitfaced while Dean is gone for only an hour. Sam got angry and threw shit into traffic, dropping to his knees sobbing. 

Sam didn’t talk for weeks after the fact, he had moved in with Jo and Dean for the time being, refusing to take Dean’s room and staying on the couch. Dean knew Sam wasn’t sleeping, and he wasn’t eating much either. But he couldn’t blame him. He’s spiraling, Dean should know, he’s had his fair share. But not ever earning one so much as Sam. He’d stopped attending his classes, and Dean begged him to at least try to keep going to them, to little avail. Brady had visited and took Sam to some classes, but Dean imagined his GPA was tanking, which could cost him his scholarship. 

Not long after the funeral, Dean had taken it upon himself to email Sam’s professors and explain what he was going through, and thankfully, most of them had been very understanding. In the end they suggested he take the spring semester off. Dean tries his best to look out for Sam, and for it, his own grades are dropping, he’s not doing his best at either job. He’s slipping, regardless of how much his friends are trying to help. It’s become too big a job. 

‘It’s all my fault.’ The thought buzzes through his head before he can stop it one night. He’s sat on his floor looking out the window. This was his fault. Losing Jess was Dean’s fault and Sam losing track was too. This was his punishment for Cas. The thoughts pounded through his head all night until he gives up at sleeping and leaves. 

He wanders into the nearest church, which is silent except for a priest who is reading something in the front pew. Dean sits near the back and drops his head, pulling his hands together shakily and starts to pray like he did when John dragged him to church. 

God, it’s not their fault. 

Please, please don’t punish Sammy for this. 

He didn’t do anything wrong. 

If you want to blame anyone blame me. 

I didn’t fucking ask for this! 

If you made everyone like they said, then why’d you bother doing this to me? 

Why make me like this? 

A screw up. 

Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his chest heaved for breath. He couldn’t help feeling like John had been right. If it weren’t for Dean, Sammy would be okay. If he hadn’t come here.


	13. Chapter 13

Sam still isn’t sleeping much by the time November rolls around. October, the month in which he had planned to propose had passed by silently. Dean found him more than once clicking the little black box opened and closed, he had zoned out. His heart breaks for him. A few nights later, Dean finds the photos he’d taken at the beginning of the summer, the ones of Sam and Jess at the beach, his arms wrapped around her. The one Dean told Cas they’d appreciate when they got older. The memory felt a million years old, and Dean felt a pang of regret that he hadn’t talked to Cas in so long. 

He didn’t know how he was doing in his classes, or if he was certified yet. Cas had disappeared after August, and Dean missed him. They had known each other for less than a year but he’d become his best friend, that is until Dean screwed it up. 

After weeks, Dean finally convinced Sam to take a break in the spring to return next fall, so that he could save his crumbling GPA. But he still had to get through his finals this month before winter break. Dean can tell that finals are particularly hard on him, and it becomes even more evident when Sam ends up in the hospital because of alcohol poisoning. 

“Dammit Sam. We can’t be doing this! I don’t know how I can help you Sam. I’ve tried everything I know to keep you from falling apart!” Dean finally tells Sam as he sits in the hospital bed. 

“I never asked you to.” 

“Well, I did.” 

“I just… I… She’s gone Dean!” Sam finally blurts out. “She’s gone, and I don’t know what to do!” He’s sobbing and there’s nothing Dean can do besides hug him and tell him it’ll be alright. 

They head home later the next day and it marks a step towards recovering for Sam. He goes back to classes and works on homework. Though, never talking as much as he used to. Dean reminds him to shower, and to eat. And as the holidays near, the boys receive a call from Bobby to join him for Christmas, which will be a good way for Sam to get away for a little while. 

After finals week is finally over, Dean checks his grades and nearly screams out of joy. He’s passed all his classes and Sam, having gotten back on his work, saved them to get mostly C’s. To celebrate all of them passing the semester, Jo arranges a get together. ‘It’ll be good anyways before we all head back home for the holidays!’ Brady offers up his place for them and promises not to make it a party, to keep it small. They settle on the week after Thanksgiving. 

“Hey Sam!” Anna wraps her arms around him and pulls him in for a hug. Brady’s place is already decorated for Christmas and there’s plenty of food and drinks. Though they decided against alcohol in light of Sam’s alcohol poisoning fiasco. 

“Hi Anna, how’d your finals go?” 

“Good! Passed with flying colors!” And she drags him off to the living room to talk more about which classes she’ll be taking and how it’s good he’s taking a semester off. 

“Hello Dean.” Cas appears in the kitchen beside him, pouring a class of water for himself. “How’ve you been doing?” He had on a sweater and his skin had lost its summer tan, but not entirely. It was impossible to lose a tan here, even in winter. 

“I’m fine. Thanks.” He hesitated. “How about you?” 

“Mostly good, passed all my classes so that’s great.” He offered a weak chuckle. The tension was thick enough to cut. 

“Good…” Dean shuffles his feet, tapping them against the linoleum. “So,” 

“So.” Cas searches for any semblance of want in Dean, but he doesn’t look back. 

“I’m sorry how things left off.” 

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” Cas takes a drink and continues, “Unless, that wasn’t what you wanted.” 

“No, I… yea, but no.” Cas cocks an eyebrow to that. “I just, didn’t want to lose you like that. You’d become a good friend that’s all.” 

“Dean, you didn’t lose me.” He leans in, waiting for Dean to make a move, but he backs up. 

“I can’t. I’m sorry Cas, I can’t.” He lets out a shuddering breath, “It’s wrong, and bad things happen when I… I just, can’t.” 

“Dean-” Cas calls after him, but he’s already making his way back to where the rest of their friends are sat in the living room, talking through food about their holiday breaks. Brady saying how he’d be going skiing with his family. 

“Sam and I get to go to South Dakota, our uncle lives there, we’ll probably stay till just after Christmas.” Dean adds. 

They make merry and finish off most of the food, which Dean is pleased to see Sam eating so much again. Cas sits on the other side of the room, with Jo, but he keeps looking up at Dean. Dean feels a pang of guilt through his stomach. He likes Cas. And He probably likes him too, but Dean can’t bring himself to risk hurting anyone else around him. He knows it sound superstitious, but what if it’s true? What if he lets himself do this and Sam ends up hurt, or Jo? But he looks at Cas too, admiring his soft smile, and remembering how his lips tasted. 

“Alright, I’ll catch you guys later!” Dean yells back into the house, Anna and Cas heading back to their car while Sam and Jo go to Dean’s. 

“Dean, can I talk to you?” Cas pulls him aside. 

“I don’t have anything else to say Cas,” 

“Yea, that’s fine. We can be friends. I don’t care. Just,” He pulls his jacket tighter around him. “I don’t want to be not talking is all.” 

“Alright.” His head’s yelling for him to run but he can’t bring himself to. “Do you want to hang out before we leave then?” 

“Yea, that’d be good.” They decide on the weekend before they leave. 

That night, Dean took a handful of the pills he had since obtained, after Cas flushed his last bottle down the toilet. Feeling guilty, he put the image of Jess and the memory of his father’s hands around his throat out of his mind. He focuses on the stars, swirling around and falling, shimmering like the fireworks from the fourth of July. He recalls the image of the colors flashing brightly across Cas’s face. His hand around Dean’s wrist, pulling him away from the ocean, that he surely would’ve jumped in and not have gotten out. Cas had saved his life on more than one occasion. Soon enough, his room is spinning, and he can’t even bring himself to stand up without toppling over. The streetlights outside thundering at his window, pounding to be let in. The boxes that clutter his floor are rolling from one side of the room to the other. Dean laughs loudly, his mouth falling open before clapping a hand to it. He’s seeing double, his hands multiplying from two to four. 

He grabs his Walkman from the floor and plugs in headphones, the songs swirling around his head and flattening against the walls. Distantly, he hears shuffling from the living room, and Dean sits as still as he can, trying to keep from calling attention to himself. The hope that Cas would be here flickers through his head before being smothered. Dean had told him no, which he now regrets. But luckily for him, Sam is in the living room and is a barrier that prevents him from calling Cas. 

The first weeks of December pass quickly, Dean trying to work as often as he can before his weeklong break. He works overtime at the mechanics, as the carpenters work picks up in light of the holiday season, people wanting to impress their in-laws. Dean and Sam finally pack up enough clothes to last them their week with Bobby, and Dean agrees to meet Cas at a restaurant a few blocks away. It’s close enough to walk, so he does. Winter in California is warm, even northern California still isn’t as cold as South Dakota will be. 

“Hey Dean!” Cas calls from a booth by the front, already sipping on a coke. His smile soft and eyes gentle as they roll over Dean. 

“Hey,” He runs a hand over his face and pulls of his sweatshirt off and sits down. “You order yet?” 

“Nah, just drinks.” He motioned to where Dean’s drink sat, “How’ve you been?” 

“Busy, god the people wanting to renovate before the in-laws come round is insane. And the mechanics is fine, loads of people are still driving recklessly,” They caught the waitress and ordered, Dean dove right back into his work, “Good for business!” He continued about the projects he had to pass off to Harley while he was gone, and hopefully he wouldn’t screw them up. 

“Jesus, you’re gonna have your work cut out for you when you get back.” Dean only nodded, digging into the fries that their waitress set down. “So, you guys are going to your uncle’s?” 

“Yea,” Dean swallowed a bite of burger. “He lives up north, it’ll be fucking freezing. He practically raised us though, so I don’t know that ‘uncle’ does him justice.” He shrugged. “You goin’ home for Christmas?” 

“I’ll only go up for a day, I’d be fucked if I stayed any longer.” 

“Oh?” He watched a pigeon peck at a wrapper in the street. 

“My family’s full of fucking lunatics. Drive me crazy.” He waved his arms wide. “I’ve got a massive family, sisters and brothers, cousins. The whole shebang.” 

“Well, if you wouldn’t mind, checking in on my place while we’re gone?” Dean took another sip. “Jo’s already gone for Texas, her mom’d kill her for not showing up, but she won’t get back till after us. You’re welcome to stay there, you can have my room, if you want.” 

“Sure, I don’t mind to house sit. Anna’s been on top of me all winter break to get out of her hair, it’d be good.” 

Dean dropped his eyes back down to his plate “And, you know. I don’t want to not be friends, or anything. I just…” 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Cas shrugged, popping a fry into his mouth. “It’s fine, whatever you want. As long as it is what you want.” Dean knows what he wants, he always does, and what he wants is Cas. But he doesn’t say so.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! thanks for keepin on reading, I am trying to write out a few chapters today to release through the weekend bc of Christmas. So, I just wanted to let you know I'll still be releasing them, though it wont be as many as two-four a day like I have done this week. Thanks for reading!

The drive to Bobby’s is a long one, but Sam lets him play his music loud. Only complaining when Asia comes on, which Dean takes personally. It’s about a twenty-hour drive, but the boys don’t bother stopping to sleep on the way. 

“Sammy, can you grab me something?” Dean yells as Sam heads into the gas station. They are still seven hours out, and this isn’t the first time they’d filled the tank. Dean pushed the buttons and gassed his car up. Huddled against the cold December air, which he hadn’t needed to worry about back home. A truck drove up to the opposite side of the pump, a big burly man climbing out and eyeing Dean. He waited for it to finish and pulled into a parking spot out front to take a leak. By the time he got back, Sam was settled into the car and digging into the snacks. 

“Dean, what took so long?” 

“Hey, I just left, you were taking forever in there.” Dean grabbed at the pile in the bag, pulling out a Slim-Jim and shoving it into his mouth before pealing back out onto the highway. 

By the time they reached Bobby’s it was just past one in the morning, they had missed a lot of the traffic by driving into town past midnight. A light dusting of snow fell down as they drove through and pulled into the driveway. 

“Wake up Sammy, we’re here.” Dean elbowed him gently, reaching into the back seat for his bag. He pulled it onto his shoulder and Sam stepped out, stretching his long limbs from being cramped in the car all day. “Alright sasquatch.” Dean rolled his eyes and pulled his jacket tighter around him and walked up to the front door. Bobby let the boys in and pulled Dean in for a hug. 

“Missed you boys,” Then he pulled in Sam. “Been stirring up trouble at Stanford?” He asked, his beard was streaked with grey. That much had changed since they were kids. 

“Oh yea. Tearing up the town.” Dean grumbled and headed for one of the bedrooms, dropping his bag on the floor and flopping onto the bed. He heard Bobby talking to Sam in the kitchen. He let them be and kicked his shoes off. Tossing his clothes to the floor, he crawled under the comforter and fell asleep quickly. The smell of Bobby’s house, which was whiskey and old wood, reminded the boys of when they were kids, the safe memories at least. 

Dean had a dreamless sleep and didn’t wake up till eleven the next morning. His room was cold, the window letting in a cold draft, so he curled up and pulled the covers tighter around him. Finally, he gave up and went to take a shower. Sam and Bobby were already up and moving around, Bobby was cooking up bacon and eggs at the stove. The water here took half as long to heat up as it did at home and Dean took his time, basking in the warmth of the shower before stepping back onto the cold tile. 

“Morning Dean, or rather, afternoon.” Bobby piled up bacon and eggs onto a plate, passing it over. “What’s the plan today?” 

“I need to go Christmas shopping,” Sam didn’t look up from his book, “There anything you need Bobby?” 

“Million dollars’d be great.” He chuckled and sat down in front of the TV turning on a Christmas movie Dean hadn’t seen in years. He scarfed down his food and sat on the couch to watch, only taking his attention from it to toss Sam the car keys. 

“How’s Sam?” Bobby said, once Sam had left. 

“He’s a little better I think.” Dean watched the kids in the movie cheering. “He was doing real bad there for a while.” 

“And you?” Bobby raised an eyebrow at Dean. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Dean. You can talk if you need to.” 

“I’m good.” He knew Bobby didn’t believe him, but he wasn’t one to push. 

Sam didn’t get back till late and Dean was sat on the back porch, rubbing his hands together to keep them warm. The stars shone brighter out here than in the city. The woods seeming to go on forever, and everything covered in an inch of snow. Dean was just a splotch of darkness in the white-covered everything. It was so quiet out here, no nightlife or tires squealing against the blacktop. 

“Dean, what are you doing out here?” Sam walked out behind him, pulling his coat on. 

“Just thinking.” He had his polaroid photos in hand and was shuffling through them mindlessly. 

“About?” Sam cleared off an area and sat down on the steps beside him. He breathed into his hands. 

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s quiet here, quieter than home at least.” His eyes scanned the tree line, seeing a critter scurry into the underbrush. 

“Do you have any of Jess?” Sam spoke softly, looking at the stack of polaroids in his brother’s hands. 

“Yea,” Dean flipped through and pulled out five of them, one of which was the one of Sam and Jess on the beach. “How are you doing with, everything?” Dean handed the photos to Sam; whose eyes were watering. 

“I’m okay.” He flipped to the beach photo; his arms wrapped tightly around Jess. “I miss her, Dean. I miss her bad.” 

“I know.” Dean pulled Sam in and wrapped an arm around him. “It’ll get better.” 

The next day, Dean headed into town, leaving Sam and Bobby to relax at the house. He turned the corner and drove towards the bar. He knew his way ‘round this town, it’s where he learned to drive for the very first time. The drive was quiet, except for the soft Christmas music on the radio. 

The bar was full of older men who had nowhere better to be the week of Christmas and young adults escaping family for the night. A mix of oldies and holiday music played over the speakers, the wood-paneled walls sticky from years of beer being sloshed onto them. Dean settled into a seat at the bar, ordering a beer and watching a group of the younger kids joking and laughing at their table. He took a long drink from his beer. 

As the night went on, Dean let himself be washed in booze, eventually switching from beer to bourbon, not bothering with ice. 

“Maybe you should take it slow,” The bartender hesitated to fill Dean’s glass once more. He had dark curly hair that curled just over his ears. Dean leaned in and told him to keep pouring. Checking him out as he turned to help another customer. He knocked back the last of his glass and continued watching the bartender, a few of the other patrons noticing his attention to him. 

“Hey, buddy. Didn’t you hear?” He leaned in, breath ripe with booze in a way that sent Dean’s head reeling. “No fags allowed.” 

Dean’s mouth dropped open and he sucked in a breath. “I ain’t no faggot.” His instincts were telling him to bolt, but he was seemingly fastened to the chair. 

“I saw you talking to that bartender. You can’t lie about what I seen.” Dean’s heart was hammering in his chest. 

“You are twisted man, back off.” He tried to shrug the guy off and return to his drink. 

“I saw the California license plates too. They may love queers over there, but this is South Dakota, you see.” 

“I’m aware of where I am.” Dean gripped his glass so his hands wouldn’t shake. “Glad to hear that you finally passed fourth grade geography though.” He didn’t hide the bite in his voice. 

“You fucking prick.” The man shoved Dean, who caught himself on the counter before falling to the floor. Which was disgusting. 

“Hey! Take it outside!” The bartender hollered from behind the counter, watching the men. 

Dean stuck his hands up innocently and walked out to the front step, he heard the guy follow him. Before the other guy had a chance to step past the threshold, Dean swung a hit hard into his jaw. If he learned anything about fighting, it was hit first and hit hard. He pulled his knee up into the man’s stomach before backing up into the parking lot. He had doubled over in pain and tackled Dean to the pavement, scraping his hands along the ground. Dean cursed wildly and pushed himself from underneath the man, who was almost twice as wide as himself. He swung another hit to his face, but the man grabbed him and landed a hit into his cheekbone. That was going to leave a welt. 

Dean was by no means weak, but his frame had gotten slightly smaller than it had been in the summer, it had been weakened by the drugs, and the eating barely more than Sam. But he was still a mechanic and carpenter, which are trades that build muscle whether you want to or not. He swung another hit into the man’s stomach, putting all of his force into it. Dean took another few hits before the man’s friends pulled him off. Laughing and pushing their friend around for taking on a ‘skimpy LA brat’. Dean lunged at the friend who said it and punched him in the teeth. 

“Fuck you!” He spit blood at the pavement, arms pinned behind him while the friend landed a few hits at his stomach. “Kill me you cowards!” He grinned and spit another wad of blood at them. To that they pushed him towards the cars and talked amongst themselves, heading back into the bar and slamming it shut behind him. “Homophobic assholes.” Dean grumbles to himself. His head is pounding, and his knuckles are bruised. He can’t really feel the welts forming on his cheek and stomach, but he knows it’ll hurt in the morning. 

“Are you okay?” One of the waitresses crouched in front of him. “I hope they didn’t rough you up too bad.” She grabbed his chin and turned his head to see his cheek. 

“m’ fine.” He shrugged her off and out his hands on his knees to hoist himself up. 

“Obviously.” She put her hands on her hips. She was an older woman, been around the block a time or two it seemed. 

“I just need to get back home.” He cleared his throat and pulled his keys off the ground where they’d fallen. 

“You’re gonna get into a wreck if you drive like that. Icey roads, half drunk, and maybe a concussion? No.” She smoothed her skirt down and pulled out a cellphone. “I’ll call you a cab.” 

“No, let me call my uncle. He’ll come get me.” He reached out for her phone, and she shook her head but gave it to him. 

“Who is it?” Dean winced at his harsh tone. 

“It’s me Bobby, Dean. Can you come get me? Sam’ll need to drive the car back too.” 

“Dammit Dean. Yea, we’ll head over.” He didn’t need to ask where he was. 

“Sorry. Thanks.” He snapped it shut, handing it back to the waitress. “Thanks. I’ll be fine till they get here.” She looked at him with pity and made her was back inside. Dean sat on the curb and dropped his head into his hands. 

Bobby pulled behind Dean’s car fifteen minutes later and parked it, letting Sam get out. 

“Dean?” Sam rushed over to where Dean was sat, seeing blood on his brother’s face. 

“I’m fine Sam, I swear to god. Don’t ask.” He handed him his keys and hopped in Bobby’s car. 

“Boy, are you trying to get yourself killed?” Bobby frowned. 

“Sorry you had to come get me.” Dean dropped his head against the headrest. 

“The headache you’ll have in the morning’ll have to be punishment enough.” He turned off the radio and grumbled. “Didn’t think you’d need a babysitter, idjit.” 

Dean peels off his bloody clothes when he gets back and dodges Sam’s questions. Pulling the covers up to his chest and staring at the ceiling. He thought about Cas back home and what he’d think of Dean if he saw him. He pictured him laid out on his bed, hair tousled in the way it had been when they woke up together. 

After patching up a few scrapes on his face, the rest of the week passed quickly. Bobby kept an eye on Sam and the other on Dean, they knew he did. Christmas eve, Bobby bought some cookies and movie stuff from the grocery. Which they all dug into while watching reboots well into the night, Dean and Sam arguing over the best candy and Dean trying to catch popcorn in his mouth. The welt on his cheek, healing and the swelling going down. 

Christmas morning, Bobby spots a call from a number he knows, but he doesn’t pick up. The boys don’t need to be hearing from their father today. He hands each of them a card with cash, “it’s easier to get what you need than somethin’ you’ll never use.” And Sam and Dean give him a bottle of the good whiskey and a new fishing pole, which he’ll definitely be using by the time spring hits. 

The day after Christmas, they say their goodbyes and prepare themselves for a long drive home. Of which Sam has offered to drive the first leg of. He’s kept the photos of Jess that Dean gave him, most in his bag but two in his wallet. Dean insisted he should have them. 

“So, are you gonna tell me why you got into a barfight two days before Christmas?” Sam says, not an hour into the drive. 

“Nope.” Dean turns up the radio and closes his eyes, he’ll have to drive when Sam’s tired, so he tries to get his rest in now.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, btw, i'm not condoning/glorifying drugs with this story. they are dangerous and harmful. Just figured I'd mention it! I am also kinda in love with this chapter so i hope you like it too!

“Hey guys!” Cas is sat on the couch, Twilight Zone on the TV. “How was your trip?” 

“Good, but glad to be back.” Sam slumped onto the couch beside him. 

“Jesus, what happened to your face?!” Cas jumped up to get a good look at Dean. “What the hell’d you do?” 

“Fought, not a big deal.” Dean dropped his duffel in front of his door and headed to the kitchen for a drink. 

“He won’t say why.” Sam pulled a blanket over him on the couch and kicked his feet up to Cas’s empty seat. 

“Ok well let me get a look at it.” Cas pulls Dean into the bathroom and flicked on the light. He pulls his hand away from Dean once he realizes that it’s on him. But Dean looks into his eyes. The blue calming him down and Cas pulled a cream from the cabinet putting it on his finger. “This is gonna hurt, sorry.” He whispers. Dean watches Cas’s tongue peek out and sit between his lips while he concentrates, his eyes focused on Dean’s cheek. He winces at the sting of the cream in his cut, “Sorry.” Cas whispers out again, pulling away and washing his hands in the sink. 

“It’s ok. Thank you.” Dean glances back into the living room, where Sam is watching TV and definitely not paying attention to them. He moves closer to Cas and puts his hands on his hips, resting his chin on Cas’s shoulder. Cas looks at him in the mirror and leans into the contact. Dean closes his eyes and sighs, tucking his face into the crook of Cas’s neck. 

“When did Jo say she’d be coming back?” Sam yelled from the living room, breaking the quiet of the apartment. 

“Day after tomorrow!” Dean pulled away from Cas’s ear to yell back, pushing a kiss into his shoulder. “Thanks for watching the place while we were gone.” He walked back to his room to unpack his bag. 

“Yea,” Cas dried his hands on his pants, returning to his spot on the couch. 

“Cas you’re welcome to stay for dinner, we’ll probably order pizza or something.” Dean walked out of his room, dropping in between the two on the couch. “And how was your Christmas by the way?” 

“Fine, went without a hitch thankfully. My siblings made through most of dinner without arguing, so that was nice.” He chuckled, and Sam got up to order the pizza before it got too late. “Anna’s been glad to keep me out of the house.” This made Dean grin, his hopes of Cas sprawled out on his bed had been true. “And Brady texted, he’ll be having a New Year’s party at his place.” 

“Ooh, can’t wait.” 

Cas stayed there in the week leading up to the New year’s party, under the excuse that Anna preferred him to not be bothering her all the time. And the boys didn’t mind him being there, though when Jo arrived, it had seemed like a bachelor pad. Sam apologized for taking up the couch, but Cas said it was alright, him and Dean didn’t hate each other enough to not share. This way, Dean was able to wrap an arm across Cas’s middle, and pull him closer when he got cold. 

They didn’t address Dean clinging to Cas when he had a nightmare, Cas just pulled him against his chest and pulled the covers back to let him breathe better. He didn’t even bring up how their ‘friendship pact’ had been broken the instant Dean came back from South Dakota. Cas was just there when he needed him. And Dean dreaded the semester starting back up again, pulling Cas back to San Francisco. 

Sam liked having him around too, someone who was more studious than Jo or Dean. Who’d bicker about the best movie to come out this year and how shit Ghost was. Dean would start singing Hold Me Close and moving his hands like he was using a pottery wheel. This made them all bust out in laughter. 

“You sure know a lot about it for saying it’s shit!” Sam laughed out shoving Dean away from him when he started making a kissy face. 

“It’s Swayze, he gets a pass.” This made Jo fall off the couch with laughter. 

“Swayze is your man-crush?!” She yelled, “Come on! Not even Tom Cruise or someone?” Dean just laughed and looked at Cas, who was biting back a smirk. 

New Year’s Eve was on a Tuesday this year, but Dean got out of work early. Most places were doing half days, Jo got one too. The four of them blasted music in the apartment while getting ready to go to Brady’s. Dean had come home from work after Jo, who had already showered and was standing on the couch singing with Sam. Dean shoved Cas out of the bathroom, ruffling his hair, which earned him a whack to the back of the head. 

“Damn it Dean!” Cas ran his fingers through his hair and pushed it straight up, sticking his tongue out to get it right in the mirror by the door. 

Dean pulled his work clothes off and hopped into the shower, scrubbing the smell of oil and cars off his skin and running his fingers through his hair. It nearly reached his ears, but at least it wasn’t as long as Sam’s. He rinsed off and walked out, brushing his teeth before heading into his room to get dressed. Sam was now singing and pointing at Cas, who was shaking his head and moving around in the kitchen, Jo had given up dancing to get dressed and get her makeup done. Dean dried off and pulled on his ripped jeans and a button up. He smiled to himself. It was such a relief to have Sam dancing and singing, no matter how poorly he was doing it. 

He grabbed his polaroid and got a few photos in before they left, one of Jo and Sam goofing off, an up close of Cas smiling wide enough that his eyes were closed, and a few group ones. He was content with them and they headed out. Jo offering to take her car. Cas and Dean piled into the backseat, Sam calling shotgun anyways. She cranked the music up loudly and poked Sam in the side. Dean was having trouble keeping his hands to himself in the backseat and Cas was just laughing and pushing him off. He grinned at Cas, whose hair was spiked up in every which way, a beautiful mess. 

They pulled up into Brady’s driveway just past seven, cars already littering the gravel leading up to the house. The huge house, a perfect place to host. They all climbed out of the car and walked up to the house, meeting Brady and Anna just inside. 

“Hey guys! Are you fucking pumped?” Brady was bouncing with excitement, or perhaps had already started the evening with a shot and some drugs. He grabbed Sam and led him into the other room to talk with a few other classmates from Stanford. Anna slung an arm around Jo and Cas pulling them into the kitchen for food and drinks. 

“What will you be drinking?” She spoke in a faux posh English accent before bursting into laughter and pouring cheap vodka into her cup. Offering some to jo, who passed. 

“I’ll start with rum and coke, work my way up.” Dean started his cup and grabbed one for Cas too, he had wandered over to where the chips and veggie platters were. “Ooh.” Dean finished pouring their drinks and when Cas walked back up, plate in hand, Dean swiped a handful of chips. 

“I think Brady invited the whole bay area to tonight!” Anna said as she took a sip from her cup. “He said ‘it’s new year’s, go big or go home.’” Then the music was switched on, and the night began. 

Jo was eventually whisked away into a group who was in the living room dancing, and Sam had returned to get a drink, which he was careful to not overdo in front of Dean. Who, instead of getting his own plate, just kept swiping things from Cas’s who eventually gave up trying to keep him away. Sam and Cas started in on a tangent about new year’s resolutions and what they’d be doing, and Dean excused himself to the bathroom. He’d already had a few cups to drink. After using the bathroom, he checked himself out in the mirror and saw that the welt on his cheek was barely noticeable. His hair was parted down the center and it flopped off to each side like a movie star. 

“Dean.” Lisa walked up beside him in his group, where he had rejoined and was talking to Cas, Kevin, and a kid named Ben about the spoiled brats down in Hollywood. 

“Oh, hey.” He crossed his arms and shrugged at his friends, walking away with her. Cas only watched. “What?” They went into a hall just off the main room. 

“I just figured we should talk…” She tucked a long strand behind her ear. 

“It’s been months. I haven’t seen you since the funeral.” Dean flicked his hair out of the way. “so, what do you want to talk about.” 

“Well, I missed you. I was just wondering if you did too.” 

“Dammit Lise, I… no, it’s been months. I’ve moved on, I figured you did too because you were the one who was done.” He looked over his shoulder back into the main part of the house, the crowd growing bigger and more kids were screwing around. “Look, go find someone out there who’ll be better for you. I’m not doing this.” She reached out to stop him, but he shot a look at her that told her it wouldn’t do any good. She was beautiful, and a good person, but it wasn’t what was good for either of them. She gave up and sulked away to join some of her friends. 

Dean rejoined his group where Kevin and Cas were in a race to do the most shots, proudly, Dean noticed Cas was winning. He got back almost ten, and Kevin only got down six. Which he looked like he was about to hurl up. Dean laughed and clapped Cas on the shoulder. His cheeks were pink with warmth and alcohol and he cheered in victory. 

“Whatever happened to your girl?” Cas asked, leaning in. 

“Ah, she’s not my girl anymore.” And then Kevin went green and made a beeline for the bathroom. Leaving his friends to laugh behind him. “I think I’ve got my eye on someone else anyways.” Dean figured if he wanted to catch up, he’d have to start now. He took three shots and chased it with half a can of coke. It didn’t take the people long to figure out there were drugs at this party, after all, it wasn’t a party at Brady’s without them. Dean eventually pinpointing who to score off of. 

His head was fluttering with the dim houselights and music, and he walked up to a kid who looked about his age. “Hey, what’re you looking for?” 

Dean swiped at his nose and got what he was looking for. Snorting the powder into his system, he ran a hand across his face and scootched past people dancing and found Cas among them. He was moving gracelessly with the music, his hair curling at the ends. Dean grabbed his arms and danced along with him, the fabric of his shirt soft to the touch and his skin warm beneath it. Cas lifted a hand to Dean’s face, running a finger down his nose, to the tip. Eyes counting every freckle. A smile crossed his lips, and he ran his finger to Deans lips, tracing the dip where they met. 

Dean pulled away and grabbed Cas at the wrist, pulling him through the crowd and up the steps, he pushed him into the bathroom and followed behind him after a quick glance around. He shut the door behind him, and Cas was on him immediately. He pushed Dean against the door and kissed him hungrily, pinning him to the door by his shoulders. Dean pulled him closer by the hips and bit at his lip, working his hands up and under his shirt. 

Dean sighed into his mouth, “Cas,” But Cas just pushed a bite into the muscle where his neck met his shoulder. Dean managed to wriggle free and pull Cas to the sink, pushing him into it and kissing where his shirt dipped at his collar. His heart was pounding in his ears and Cas backed up, pulling himself to sit on the counter. He grabbed at Dean’s shirt and pulled him in for a kiss before pulling away, letting his breath roll hotly over Dean as Cas Kissed down his jaw and neck. Dean’s breath hitched and he rolled his hips forward into Cas’s. He pulled and shifted his hips, feeling Cas breath shakily against his neck. 

“Don’t stop.” He breathed against Dean’s ear. So, he didn’t. He held him by the hips and grinded, getting the other off without much effort. Cas put his forehead against Dean’s chest and gripped his arms tightly. He dropped a hand to below Dean’s belt and pulled his head down with his other hand, kissing into Dean’s mouth and feeling his breathing become more frantic. He undid the zipper and touched slowly and gently, Dean’s head now dipped into Cas’s neck, where he kissed, paused, stifling a gasp, and continued. He let his lips trail across Cas’s shoulder, breath coming shakily and deep now. Cas moved quicker and let Dean rest his head on his shoulder, chest rising and falling with his every move. He finished and Cas grabbed a towel, cleaning them up, running his other hand down Dean’s chest. He zipped his own pants back up and kissed Cas deeply. His watch read eleven twenty-two, and so he snuck out of the bathroom to the kitchen to get another drink. Cas following not long after, once the coast was clear. 

“You gonna fix me one?” Cas walked next to him, and he felt his insides twist. He was still sensitive and just taking a step would be too much right now, so Dean knocked back the contents of his cup in one go. Rum and a splash of coke burning down his throat. 

“Sure,” Dean met his eyes, and a grin escaped his lips. 

“Me too!” Jo ran up behind him, gabbing onto his shoulders and peeking around. Making Dean jump. 

“Christ, scared me Jo.” He let out a breathy laugh. “Rum and coke? More rum less coke?” 

“Yes, and yes,” She gasped, “Dean! You slut!” She pulled back at his shirt to expose two purple-red marks. 

“Fuck, I’ve been caught.” He said deadpan. Cas busted out in laughter and shoved Dean. 

“You really are a slut!” He smirked and grabbed his finished drink, washing it back with a gulp. “What would Sam say?” He shook his head. Dean bit back a laugh and cursed Cas internally. 

“What would Sam say of what?” Of course, Sam walked in. “Hey guys, I was wondering where everyone had disappeared off to.” 

“Dean’s got a hickey!” Jo said, in a voice that only a little sister could have. “Cas and I agree that he’s a slut.” 

“Alright! Will you quit calling me a slut if I give you your damn drink?” Dean shoved a red cup her way. Groaning that his business had been exposed to his whole friend group. Sam only laughed and joined in with their banter. 

“Brady pulled the countdown up on the TV, it’s almost midnight. Jo you got your new boyfriend to kiss when the ball drops?” 

“Boyfriend?” Dean laughs out, “And you called me a slut? The audacity.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend, and yes Dean, my date for the evening doesn’t change that fact about you.” She pushed at Sam for bringing it up and headed into the living room. 

“So, who’s the lucky lady? Cos we all know it’s not Lisa, she walked out of there like someone kicked her puppy.” Sam waited for an answer, and Cas waited too, nodding and hiding a grin. 

“None of your business! That’s who. And how about you two kiss at midnight since you love ganging up on me!” Dean tipped the rest of his drink into his mouth. 

“I wouldn’t dare take your boyfriend!” Sam waited till he had a full mouth to say this and Dean choked, making him and Cas bust out laughing. 

“Aw, it breaks my heart to see my two favorite boys fighting over me!” Cas chuckled and pulled them into each arm, making kissy noises at them, which made Dean elbow him gently in the side, and Sam ducked to escape his reach. 

They all walked together into the living room, where the countdown had hit five minutes. Everyone around them was chattering in excitement, everyone made sure to have enough in their cups to cheers the new year, and most had their arm hooked with another person’s to kiss at midnight. Lisa was on the other side of the crowd, chest flush with some random guy in the crowd. Good for her. Cas still had his arm across Dean’s shoulders, and they watched everyone move around, some girls giggling in a group together near the front, not far from them was Brady. 

Finally, like the crest of a wave crashing down, the ball dropped, and the tension in the room exploded in joy. People grabbed their partners by the face and kissed, noisemakers screaming from all over the house. Everyone who was not busy with either of those raised their cups and drained them. With everyone else in the room distracted, even Sam who was blowing into a noisemaker and finishing off his drink, Dean tilted his head and kissed Cas on the mouth. Right in the middle of the party, and no one even saw. They joined in everyone cheering and raised their own cups to the ceiling, welcoming 1991 with a bang. They emptied their cups and shouted with everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also posting this Xmas day, happy holidays!


	16. Chapter 16

The chilly air of January brought in a rainstorm that didn’t look like it’d give in anytime soon. It usually didn’t rain much, but when it did it poured. The tapping of rain against the windows of the small apartment, threatened to lull Dean back to sleep. Cas had finally gone back to Anna’s for a little while, staying there as often as he did here. Dean pulled the covers tighter around his shoulders, missing the warmth that Cas brought. It was nearly time to get up for work though. Dean had a lot of catching up to do still, picking through his projects by deadlines and trying to avoid pissing off any customers too bad. 

He heard Sam get up and start moving around in the living room, getting ready for his first day at work at the library. Just after New Year’s he’d gotten an interview, hoping to save up money before he went back to school in the fall. He’d mentioned saving up to get an apartment, which Dean would be grateful to have him back on his feet but wouldn’t be able to keep as close an eye on him. Sam was still pretty quiet, but after New Year’s he perked up, must’ve been seeing all his friends. 

Dean groaned and stretched into the cold room, the covers falling to his waist. He mumbled to himself about it being freezing in here and pulled on his work pants, buttoning up his shirt before walking into the kitchen. 

“Morning Sammy,” Dean padded to the fridge, pulling out the egg carton. “You eaten yet?” 

“Nah, I’m not hungry. Gettin’ to the library early today, training they say.” He tied his laces and pulled a raincoat on and heading out. 

“Training?” Dean flipped on the stove and started on his eggs. “Been training for that since middle school.” He mumbled to himself and waited for the eggs to crispen up around the edges. Jo had already left for work and he was the only one home. If Cas was here… Dean smiled distantly at his eggs. 

Dean pulled the creaky door shut behind him, locking it and darting down the steps to jump into his car. It hadn’t rained this hard in months. It pelted the roof of his car and he turned the wipers on. It was chilly out, just cold enough to reach through two layers of cold, but not cold enough for the rain to even turn to slush. The shop was chilly and miserable, the only thing warming the men up was a small space heater and their own hard work. Dean didn’t mind the cold too bad, it kept him on top of his work, always moving and finally finishing the motorcycle that had come in December. It was colder at Bobby’s anyways, he’d survive. 

“No, Jo.” Dean popped his head out of the kitchen. “I don’t want a party.” 

“Mr. Grumpy doesn’t like birthday parties.” Sam flipped through a book, “Even when we were kids.” 

“Not one pleasant birthday experience? Not even a night out?” Jo pleaded with Dean as he made his way back into the living room. Cas hadn’t been back in almost two weeks, and it was starting to make Dean uneasy. 

“Not one.” He landed on the couch and grumbled at the show they had on. “Why are we watching this crap?” 

“Some of us like this crap Dean.” Jo thought for a moment. “Okay, no big party, what about just having a few people over here?” She was begging for an excuse to get everyone together before their classes started up again. Which was coming up soon. 

“Jo,” 

“It isn’t a no?” She flashed him a smile and threw the remote to him. Dean flipped through the channels and settled for Jeopardy, which Sam was unnaturally good at. “Have you heard from Cas lately?” 

“No, I’ve heard just as much as you have.” Dean didn’t take his eyes off the TV. 

“He just hasn’t been around in a while, when do classes start back up for him?” 

“Twenty first I think.” Dean frowned as the contestant said the wrong answer. Cas’s absence was apparent to all of them, a taste of how the spring semester would feel when his dorm reopened. Fidgeting with his fingers, Dean wondered if he’d done something wrong. Something that would’ve warranted him staying away so long. They’d been doing well lately, despite Dean getting the awful feeling that something bad was on the horizon. 

The remainder of the week passed slowly, dragging on as Dean entered the weekend. He was stuck on a loop of work-work-sleep. Things picked back up after the holiday season with his work at the carpenter’s, some of the richer places closer to San Francisco doing remodels and whatnot. He only had this last semester before he would enter the free world as a certified carpenter. Through the weekend, the rain finally started letting up, and Cas showed up in their doorway, face spotted with rain. 

“Hi guys.” 

“Cas?” Dean stood and stared blankly. “What the hell is goin’ on?” 

“Can I talk to you?” Cas didn’t make a move to enter the apartment, so Dean shrugged on a jacked and pulled on his shoes, leaving them untied. They stepped out onto the space before the stairs started, and right as the door closed Cas grabbed his face and pushed a kiss into his mouth. 

Dean laughed giddily, “What the hell?” His hands grabbed at Cas’s forearms, keeping him close against the chill. 

“I’m sorry.” Cas said, and Dean pulled his head back, eyebrows knit together. 

“Huh?” He looked over Cas’s face for any sign of what was going on, but not finding one. “What for?” 

“I didn’t come back.” His hair was sticking in every direction and his shirt was clinging to him. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too.” Dean pulled him in and wrapped his arms around him, kissing him and watching him melt into his touch. 

Eventually, they came back inside, Dean only shrugging at Sam and settling back into the couch. Cas pulling off his outer layers and heading into the bathroom to shower. Sam had started to nod off by the time he got out, and Dean switched off the lamp and followed him into his bedroom. Cas’s back was glistening with water, and his hair was wet, towel held loosely around his waist. 

“Ha, you really missed me, didn’t you?” Cas said, noticing his eyes on him. Dean only nodded, closing the door quietly behind him. He walked over to where Cas was drying off and ran his fingers through his wet hair. Smelling like Dean’s shampoo. His hand stopped at the base of his neck, pulling him closer. “Alright well,” He kissed Dean quickly, “What do you want for your birthday?” 

“You.” Cas stifled a laugh and dried his hair with his towel, but Dean pulled him back in. “Just you.” He burrowed his face into Cas’s neck, breathing in the smell of soap and kissing him. Cas just pushed him back onto the bed and pulled on a clean pair of boxers, climbing over Dean to lay between him and the wall. 

“You are deranged.” But Dean just rolled to face him, admiring his silhouette, where his muscles dipped and flowed beneath his skin. He pulled Dean close into his chest, letting him wrap an arm around his waist. Dean fell asleep to his breath warm against Cas’s chest, and his heartbeat. 

Cas stayed with them for the rest of the week, keeping an eye on Sam and kissing Dean the night before he left for school. He’d promised to come back for his birthday, so long as nothing came up. San Francisco was only a forty-minute drive after all. And then, as quickly as he had showed up, he was gone. Dean’s classes had also begun and he was quickly getting overwhelmed with the balance between two jobs and school, and watching out for Sam, who had started disappearing lately even outside his work hours. 

His twenty-sixth birthday wasn’t a big one, like when he had turned twenty-one and spent the night rotting his liver out of his body. He still had classes today anyways, people wouldn’t be coming over till later. Jo and Sam had to work till around five as well, but Dean had taken the day off. 

“Happy birthday!” Jo set a plate of pancakes on his lap and he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, Sam had trailed in behind her. 

“Thanks Jo,” He straightened himself up and dove into his breakfast. “Though, I wish you’d let me sleep in!” He yelled after her. Sam waving goodbye and hitting his shoulder on the door frame on his way out. “Sam? Are you okay?” Dean jumped up, setting his plate on the bed. 

“Fine, just bumped my shoulder.” He let out a laugh and told Dean he was fine again, heading out for the library. 

“Alright, well, watch where you’re goin’!” Dean hollered as the door shut. He shook his head and finished up his pancakes as Jo left too. Now he had the place all to himself, and first item on the to-do list was to go back to sleep. 

He dreamed of a teenaged Benny, sitting with him on the edge of a crystalline lake. Benny is fishing and smiling at Dean, but his smile is too wide, teeth too sharp. Next thing he knows is he’s fallen into the lake, glass shattering the surface and falling all over the kitchen floor. Dean’s a little younger now, and John grabs his arm too tight, yelling in his face and dropping him into the pile of glass. His hands are bleeding, and they won’t stop. He’s sobbing and tries to make out what John is saying but he can’t hear him, only seeing a toddler Sam swallow something, he can’t reach out to stop him. 

Dean is woken up by his own sobs. Tears sticky on his cheeks, he wipes them away. Seeing that his own hands aren’t bleeding, and he’s safe in his apartment. Weird dream. Dean rubs his palms together in the cold room and gets up to take a shower. He only has one class today, so other than that, he’s free. He turns the water on and waits for the water to heat up before hopping in. 

Class is as long as it is boring, Dean makes small talk with his groupmates and they get their classwork turned in so they can get out of there. He keeps the radio low on the way home, tapping his fingers gently against the steering wheel. As he pulls into his spot, he sees Cas’s car. Cas sitting against the hood, book in hand and reading. The wind is blowing his short hair onto his forehead and his windbreaker is unzipped, flapping lightly in the breeze. Dean smiles and grabs his bag, shutting off the car and bouncing up to Cas. 

“Hey Cas!” He glances around the empty lot behind his place before planting a kiss on his lips, smiling into it. 

“The birthday boy,” Cas wraps his arms around his waist. “Happy birthday.” Dean pulls him upstairs and they drop their stuff on the kitchen table. Dean grasping frantically to pull his jacket off and toss it onto the couch. “You really have a one-track mind, don’t you?” Cas grins, and Dean pulls his face in to shut him up. 

“Less talking.” And he needn’t say anything more, Cas pulled him in by his shirt and kissed down his neck, lifting his shirt over his head and throwing it to the floor as they entered Dean’s room. Cas shed his own coat and shoes, pushing Dean against the bed to sit. He ran his hands slowly up Dean’s legs and rested them at the small of his back, pulling him in closely. He took his time to wind Dean up, being gentle and touching softly, it was his birthday after all. Not just that, but neither of them were drunk or high this time, Cas intended to do it right. Dean’s breath hitched as Cas sucked a mark into being on his collarbones, his hands running through his windswept hair. Dean’s own hair pushed back out of his eyes by Cas before kissing him. They rocked together slowly, Dean breathing in the smell of textbooks and sea on Cas’s skin. 

Dean traced a finger along Cas’s jaw, moving it up towards his hairline and running his fingers through his dark hair. “You’re so pretty.” Dean smiled to himself, and Cas’s eyes lit up. 

“So I’ve heard.” He remembered the drive home from the Fourth of July, and Dean’s words to him. “You told me, last summer.” 

“What?” Dean racked his brain for the memory, but it had been drowned out in booze and ecstasy. “When?” 

“The Fourth of July.” Cas paused, “You don’t remember.” He said, less of a question, more of a fact. 

“I’ll remember this, right now.” Dean pushed a kiss into his cheek, “Etching it into my memory as we speak.” Dean tried his best to memorize Cas like this, his hair pushed to one side, eyes soft and dazed like in a dream, blanket draped across his waist. “Stay just like that!” Dean jumps over him and grabs his polaroid before climbing back into bed, sitting cross-legged and snapping a photo before Cas could stop him. He shook the photo and held it up to see. Cas memorialized in film. He took the camera from Dean and snapped his own photo of Dean, looking entranced with his new photo. 

“It’s only fair.” He looked at his own photo. 

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Deannn, happy birthday to you!” He rolled his eyes and blew out a candle on his cake, wishing for everything to stay just like this. Jo had invited Anna, Brady, Kevin and a friend from school, Donna. Sam wobbled a little where he stood and held onto the back of Anna’s chair. Smiling quickly at Dean and asking what he wished for. 

“If I say, it won’t come true!” He grabbed a fork and grabbed a bite right from the center of the cake and shoved it into his mouth. 

It didn’t take long for them all to start singing at the top of their lungs, Jo laughing and turning up the radio. Brady stood on a chair from the kitchen and belted out a horrible sounding line, extremely off key and took a swig from the bottle of booze he’d brought. He passed it off to Dean as he walked past and gulped greedily from it before passing it back. He felt like a teenager again. Donna had come out of her shell a bit and was now chatting excitedly to Kevin. Brady and Dean were sing shouting the words to a Tom Petty song that neither of them would be caught singing sober. Looking at where Cas sat with Sam, who was lazily watching the rest of them. Cas’s eyes glittered with happiness. 

Dean slipped away into the bathroom, the rest of them still shouting and laughing in the living room. He grabbed a little white pill and took it with a handful of water from the sink. He spiked his hair up with his wet fingers and rejoined where the rest of them had settled in front of the TV. By midnight, they were down nearly two bottles of liquor and Sam looked like he was gonna pass out. Everyone who didn’t live there, made their way out, with the exclusion of Cas. Wishing Dean a happy birthday once more and piling into their cars. 

“You staying the night?” Dean asked Cas once everyone had left. He didn’t bother starting to clean up after, his vision was still spinning and swirling. 

“I can, I’d have to get up pretty early though. I have an eight o’clock tomorrow.” Cas stacked up some dishes and dumped them into the sink. 

“Goodnight boys,” Jo rubbed her eyes and threw a blanket over Sam on the couch. “I’m exhausted.” She went to get ready for bed, leaving them to talk in the kitchen. 

“Eight?” Dean curled his hand behind Cas’s neck and kissed him slowly. “Thanks for coming today.” 

“Well, it is your birthday, plus, you’d be miserable without me.” 

“True.” He smiled against his lips and felt the short hairs at the base of his neck. Walking back to the bedroom, Dean shed his clothes and fell into bed, he also had to be up early.


	17. Chapter 17

Dean woke up the next morning to Cas moving around, getting dressed to head back to school. He groaned and pulled himself up behind Cas, where he was tying his shoes. Sliding his arms around Cas, he kissed the back of his neck, burying his face in it. 

“Stay?” Dean mumbled into his shoulder, “I can skip work and we can lay in bed all day.” 

“Haha, if only.” He leaned into Dean’s arms and sighed. “I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit again. Classes are already getting crazy. You’re lucky you only have this last semester.” He looked out the window wistfully. “Also, does Sam sleepwalk?” 

“Uh, no?” 

“Oh, I thought I heard him shuffling around earlier.” Cas grabbed his bag and tossed it onto his shoulder, kissing Dean before walking out of the room. But Dean followed him into the living room. Sam was lying awkwardly on the couch, in a position that did not look comfortable. 

“Rise and shine Sammy, gotta get up.” Dean patted his legs to wake him up but he didn’t move. “Sam?” He shook his shoulder. Nothing. Cas looked at Dean, his hand hovering over the door handle. “Sammy. Not funny, come on man.” Dean pushed his hair out of his face and saw how pale he looked. “Cas?” 

“Shit.” Cas rushed over and checked for his pulse, “Call 911, Dean.” 

“What’s wrong with him?” Dean’s feet were cemented in their spot. 

“Dean! Nine-One-One, now.” Cas started moving Sam around to get a better handle on what was going on and Dean picked up the phone. His hands were shaking, and he felt like he’d been holding his breath. 

“My brother, he’s not waking up… no. Yes. 107 fourth Street. He’s pale and uhm… his pulse is weak. Please hurry.” Cas has lifted his head and looks at Dean. Jo walks into the living room to see Cas huddled over Sam and Dean at the telephone. 

“What the hell?” 

“I think he’s taken something. See if you can find them in his things.” The ambulance takes what feels like too long to get there. And Dean and Jo look frantically through his things for a bottle or baggy, or even a stray pill. But they come up empty handed. When the paramedics come in, Cas explains what is going on and how things are looking. They hurry over to Sam and assess the situation, giving him a shot in his thigh. The trio can only watch as they haul him off to the ambulance. “Do you want me to stay?” Cas grabs Dean by the arm and waits. 

“No, get to your classes, I’ll call once I know anything. Be careful.” Cas squeezes his arm and watches him get into the ambulance before speeding away. Him and Jo watch from the sidewalk and exchange a look that Dean doesn’t see, his eyes are glued to his little brother in the stretcher and seeing the paramedic’s hands work meticulously at him to check on his vitals. But Sam still hasn’t woken up. His breathing is becoming less shallow by the minute, Dean hoped this was a good sign, but he didn’t dare distract the paramedic. As they turned one of the last corners to the hospital, Sam’s eyes flitted open. 

He groaned and looked around, before seeing Dean. “Dean?” 

“Heya Sammy.” Dean breathed a sigh of relief and leaned his head back. “Welcome back.” The ambulance pulled into the hospital bay and Sam got wheeled in, Dean trailing in behind him. Once the doctors looked him over and got him settled in, they pulled Dean aside. 

“Did you know of your brother’s addiction?” 

“Addiction?” Dean’s stomach dropped. Sammy wasn’t supposed to go through this. 

“I’ll take that as a no. He overdosed on opiates, it is a hard thing for family and the patient to recover from, but it is possible. Does addiction run in the family?” 

Dean thought of his father, and himself. “Yea, I guess it does.” He scuffed his shoe on the tile floor. 

“Okay, well, we recommend getting him to see someone for this to prevent another overdose. He’ll be able to leave in a few hours, we’ll be sending you home with a Narcan.” He flipped through his papers, “It was what they gave him before loading him into the ambulance, it’ll bring him back from an overdose if he needs it.” Dean only nodded and watched the doctor walk away. He was struggling to focus on what the doctor had said and sat back down by Sam’s bed. Sam didn’t meet Dean’s gaze. 

“I’m sorry.” Dean said, fiddling with the edge of the blanket that covered Sam’s waist and below. 

“What?” Sam drew his brows together, “You have nothing to be sorry for-” 

“No, I do. I’m sorry I didn’t pay as close attention to how you were doing. I… it nearly killed you Sam. If I’d helped you then you wouldn’t be here right now.” 

“Dean. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine, I haven’t been doing well. I should’ve come to you.” 

“How long?” 

“… few months, I guess.” Dean stifled a groan and put his head in his hands. Sam wouldn’t be able to convince him that it hadn’t been Sam’s own fault. He should’ve been there for him more after Jess. He should’ve watched him. And now Sam was in the hospital. 

They were able to leave after three hours, Sam had settled down, his vitals returning to normal and he took in fluids. Jo had come to pick them up. The drive back was silent, Dean drowning in his thoughts and the others not wanting to mention what had happened. When they got home, Dean tore the place apart. He dug through the couch cushions and emptied Sam’s bags onto the floor searching for the rest. If anyone knew that there were always more, it was him. 

He found a small stash in the bottom pocket of one of Sam’s bags, and another in a jacket. Jo had already left for work by then, and Sam sat at the kitchen table, only watching the trust his brother had in him wash down the sink with his pills. 

“Dean,” 

“No Sammy. God. I can’t, not right now.” Dean picked up the phone and called his work, explaining what had happened and that he would bee in just after noon. “Who do you want me to drop you off with?” 

“Dean, I’m not a kid, I don’t need a babysitter.” 

“Obviously you do! And that’s why you OD’d on my fucking couch this morning!” Dean ran a hand over his face, “You do need a babysitter, because apparently I can’t fucking trust you to not go out to the nearest corner to get more! So, Christ Sammy. Where can you go while I’m at work?” 

Sam said quietly, “Kevin’s, he doesn’t have class on Friday.” 

Dean took a quick shower and got dressed, dropping Sam off to hang out with Kevin before going into work. He was quiet at work, not bothering to talk to Harley about why he was late, and not humoring him about the women he’s been with lately. He just let his hands do all the work, shutting his brain off completely. 

When five o’clock hit, he punched out and didn’t go home. He drove for hours, stopping at a bar just south of Reno. Parking the car, Dean headed in and started drinking. As his stomach filled with alcohol, his legs lost their hold and the whole room swayed. The lights of the bar, blinked in and out of existence, Dean rubbing the spots out of his eyes and stumbled out to the curb. Not too far away, he heard the familiar sound of water hitting a shore and walked towards it. He didn’t trust himself to drive, knowing that if he did, he wouldn’t make it home. It didn’t sound like a terrible idea, but the guilt overtook him and led him away from it. 

“Fucking useless.” He picked up a pebble and flung it into the water, the lake had only been a five-minute walk. “Piece of shit.” Dean then lost his balance and toppled into the rocky shore. “Stupid, good-for-nothing.” He couldn’t even keep Sammy safe. “Worthless, brain dead idiot.” He didn’t care if he lived very long, in fact he had hoped he wouldn’t. That’s why he didn’t care about himself taking drugs given the opportunity. But Sammy. The image of Sam pale and barely breathing in the back of that ambulance was burned into his retinas. “Fuck.” 

Dean didn’t head home that night. Or the next. He sat in his car, drank, and took whatever he had with him. Anything to make him forget his life. He was still being punished. And he knew he deserved nothing better than the worst things that had happened to him. He didn’t bother calling home to let Jo know where he was, or to tell Cas that he was alive. Because for all intents and purposes, he wasn’t. And they’d comment on how he was drunk and come and get him. So, he stayed by himself in a dinky motel room. The heater only half working, and noisy as hell. 

___ 

Cas told Jo to call him once she knew anything and got into his car, rubbing at the forming headache in his temples. The amount of times someone he knew got into the back of an ambulance was far too many. 

He couldn’t focus on the eight AM lecture, nor the eleven AM. His mind was racing, and he kept checking his phone for a missed call, but one never came. Walking back to his dorm, he toyed with his phone, not daring to put it away for a second. He considered staying with Dean this weekend to make sure he was okay, but he had a simulation on Saturday and had to meet with his group members before dinner to discuss the project. The evening light was setting in his window by the time he settled in for the night, his to go box of food hot in his hands. The sunset was beautiful against the skyline, the golden gate bridge distant but still visible. His roommate wouldn’t be back this weekend, he was staying with his girlfriend more often than not, at her off-campus apartment. 

He set his stuff on his desk, dropping his wallet on the floor and seeing what fell out. The polaroid of Dean in bed. He had been entranced by his own photo that he hadn’t even looked up for Cas’s, his mouth curved into a smile. It was a good picture, and a great memory. And he remembered he hadn’t heard from Dean all day, so he picked up his phone to call by their house. Despite his pleads with him to get a cell phone, Dean had stubbornly refused, even though it would have been put to good use. 

“Hello?” 

“Jo, I hadn’t heard from anyone all day. Is Sam okay?” 

“Yea, um, Dean dropped him off at Kev’s earlier and I had to go get him. He’s home now. He’s fine.” She took a deep breath. “The place was a wreck when I got here. I guess Dean went through all of Sam’s stuff before going to work, if he even went.” 

“What do you mean, if he even went?” Cas jumped onto his bed and took a bite out of his dinner. 

“He isn’t home. He hasn’t been home all day.” Her tone made him stop eating, “You haven’t heard from him?” 

“No, I was waiting for him to call about Sam, but he never did.” A cell phone would come in particularly handy right now. “Do you want me to look for him?” 

“I can’t,” She whispered into the phone, “I can’t leave Sam here alone. Just… just make sure you don’t see his car in a ditch anywhere if you can.” 

“Yea, I’ll go now.”


	18. Chapter 18

Cas dropped his uneaten food back onto his desk, pulling on his shoes and avoiding thinking of Dean dead in a ditch somewhere. The streets are alight with dancing and drinking all down the coast, it is a Friday night. He drives past every bar and club in the bay area, sure to drive slowly down roads where it’s easy to get into accidents, but no sign of Dean. 

After hours of driving around, even checking the beaches, but Dean isn’t there. He isn’t anywhere. He can’t be gone. Cas steadies his breath and continues driving for another hour before giving in and heading back to his dorm for the night. He’d be no use finding Dean if he fell asleep at the wheel. Streetlights pass by in the car windows, casting shadows on the streets back to San Francisco, and Cas calls Jo back. 

“Cas? Did you-” she starts, but Cas is one step ahead of her. 

“No, I couldn’t find him Jo. He isn’t at any bar, beach, or ditch in the whole bay area. Did you talk to Brady or Kevin?” 

“Yea, they haven’t heard from him.” Figures. Cas knew better than to bet on them, they were more Sam’s friends anyways. Actually, all of them were Sam’s friends, or started that way, all except Cas. 

“He’s gone.” The words worked his stomach into a knot, tightening at the thought he’d never come back. 

Finally, Cas slumps into his bed at three in the morning. He still has his training simulation later this afternoon, so he tries to get some sleep. To no avail. The covers twist uncomfortably around his legs as he tosses and turns through the morning hours, imagining how Dean would look if he got into a car accident. All the training videos and medical books describing what to do for a car accident, what each injury could mean. How long it’d take him to bleed out if he’d crashed into a tree and got a shard of glass in his stomach, how low his chances would drop if an ambulance didn’t reach him in the first thirty minutes, or hour. 

He falls into an uneasy sleep, his worries taking form in dreams. Cas is riding in the back of an empty ambulance, towards a car accident. 

“Alright Cas, go get the patient.” The other paramedics stand and watch him rush to the car and pull the door open. Dean’s in the front seat, his hands at his stomach and eyes pleading. His eyes are dilated and he’s slurring his speech. 

“Dean, move your hands I need to see what’s wrong.” He paws at Dean’s hands, eventually reaching the site of injury, and there’s a gash showing muscle and tissue, his stomach is cut open. Dean is pleading with him, his green eyes full of tears. 

“Cas? Cas! Why aren’t you helping me? Where are you?” Dean is screaming at him now, his hands pulling at Cas’s shirt. 

Cas woke with a gasp, the breath ripped from his lungs and his stomach flipped, making him double over and fall off the bed, bolting for the bathroom. The tile is cold against his knees, and his face is ducked into the toilet, heaving up the dinner he never finished until he is just gagging on stomach acid. Remembering the dream makes him dry heave into the toilet once more. He didn’t usually have any issue with blood and gory things, Cas bragged a stomach of iron. But seeing Dean pleading for Cas to save him, and his guts poured out onto his lap cut deep into his mind. He was stuck on the floor of the dorm bathroom for another thirty minutes before he could stand up and pull himself into the shower. 

He turned the water on too hot, letting it hit his back while he tried to think of anything besides Dean’s dying eyes. He pushed an arm up against the wall to hold himself up and washed his face, cleaning off the feeling of throwing up. 

The morning crept up like a criminal and the sun rose quickly. Cas had soon lost his whole morning. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a t shirt, pushing Dean’s off to the side, the one he had stolen from him to sleep in. 

The day was fairly warm for late January, there was not a cloud in sight. His simulation went without a hitch, he assessed the patients in the correct order and helped them based on their needs. Passing with flying colors. There was a reason he was becoming a paramedic; he was good at it. Though he’s had more than anyone’s share of hands-on experience. After it’s finished, he darts into a courtyard to call Jo. 

“Jo,” Cas steels himself, trying to sound more confident than he feels. “Is he home yet?” 

“No, I… I don’t know where he went.” 

“Fuck.” 

“He did go into work on Friday though, I’d bet he’ll be back for work on Monday. Maybe he just needs time to cool off.” Jo really is like his sister, Cas thinks to himself. 

“But what if he’s… what if he got into trouble?” 

“Then I hope he remembers his home number. He’ll be okay.” Cas mumbles in agreement before hanging up, rubbing the bridge of his nose. 

“Castiel?” A girl from his class has poked around the corner. 

“Oh, Hannah, right?” 

“Yea!” Her eyes light up at his recognition. “I uh, just wanted to see if you were okay?” 

“Fine, thanks.” He couldn’t help being short with her. 

“Well, okay. I was also going to see if you wanted to go out for coffee. But if you are busy…” She trailed off, playing with the sleeves of her sweater. 

“I guess I could use a coffee.” He didn’t think too much of it and walked with her to the coffee shop just outside the library. She started rambling about her classes and asking him about his, but he only shook his head. Hannah didn’t seem to care that he was disinterested, thinking about how Dean had to be safe. 

“How was your winter break?” Her curled hair bounced at her shoulders. 

“Fine." He sighed, "I'm just... I have a lot on my mind." 

“What are you thinking about?” 

“My… my friend.” He glanced Hannah’s way. “He’s disappeared, I’m worried about him.” He wasn’t sure if they were officially anything more than friends, hell they’d never took the opportunity to discuss it. They weren’t dating, in fact, it seemed like a bit of a sore subject for Dean. After Lisa, Cas supposed it wasn’t unfounded, but it seemed like more than that. Something big enough to push him towards drugs and drinking himself into the hospital more than once. Or why he didn’t have any family photos before last year, or with anyone besides Sam. Apart from Bobby. 

“I’m sorry your friend is missing.” She’d said it with a tone of condolences, but her eyes were sharp and cold. Eyes a paler blue than his own. 

After they ordered their coffee, she continued discuss their similarities, and classes, but Cas is still stuck on Dean. He hopes to god that he hasn’t taken anything. The image of Dean slumped over in that shower last summer shoots through his mind. Dean's hair stuck to his forehead and he was burning up, his mouth frothing from the seizure. He wouldn’t be there to save him this time. The thought echoes all around his head, reminding him of how useless he was in his nightmare. Hannah doesn’t notice Cas pushing his coffee cup away and not drinking a drop more. 

By Sunday afternoon, anxiety has formed a solid knot in Cas’s stomach, not letting up until Jo called. Dean had made it back in one piece. She explained that he had walked straight back into his room, not even leaving to eat, and that he was sweating liquor. The dread in his stomach only lightened marginally. Dean wasn’t talking. Cas told her to call if she needed him, and hung up, dropping his head into his hands. 

Outside his window, the sun sets against the skyline. Falling into the ocean, like it had on the fourth of July. When he and Dean were on the beach, he’d known he liked Dean. His heart jumped in his chest when Dean called him pretty in the car, even if it was because of the alcohol and molly. He had thought things had changed between then and now, though obviously not very much. Dean wandering off, his system overloaded on something he shouldn’t have had in the first place. The only difference is that he wasn’t with him now. 

It was ironic, for Dean to blame himself for Sam. To get mad at him for ending up in the hospital, even though he’s been there before. More than once Cas would be willing to bet. He struggled with it too, and now it was probably worse because he couldn’t keep Sam distanced from it. Cas had tried to keep him from doing as much but it hadn’t helped. Cas knew from Dean thrashing in his sleep and mumbling that he had a rough home life, calling out for his mother. He’d go to scream, but no noise would come out. Cas figured he probably did drugs to drown out the memories. Though, that thought deepened the pit in his stomach.


	19. Chapter 19

The ceiling of Dean’s bedroom is burned into his eyes from staring at it all night, each groove near memorized, or would’ve been if he was actually paying attention. It had been weeks since Sam’s overdose, but Dean still couldn’t let himself think. It was a hard task, because not sleeping is a one-track highway to overthinking. His arms and legs felt cemented to the bed, too heavy to even reach up and sip from the glass of water on his bedside table. Guilt churned in his stomach; the boys were putting too much on Jo. She had been looking after them, or trying to, for weeks. She was the one keeping an eye on Sam and setting food and water on Dean’s nightstand, picking it back up later when it was largely uneaten. 

His alarm clock buzzed, drilling into his skull. Time to get up. Dean pulled on his work clothes, methodically going through the motions of his morning routine. The drive to work wasn’t bad, there was traffic, and the sun peeked hazily from behind the skyline, waking up the city. 

The first few days after Dean had returned home, Cas had called. Waiting for Dean to talk to him, but he always pushed the phone back into Jo’s hands. There was nothing he could’ve said to Cas that would make any sense. His father’s grating words were still chipping away at his mind, reminding him that he was bad, wrong, worthless, on top of other things. And then Lisa had called. 

Dean didn’t tell her what was going on but let her ramble on about how she thought they’d be something important. His head was fuzzy, and eyes fixed on something in the distance. Being with Lisa was easier. If it would stop bad things from happening to the people around him, Dean would’ve done anything. Reasonably, he knew that his relationship with Cas couldn’t possibly have been responsible for Jess’s death, and everything that ensued. But Dean was past the point of reason. And as the days grew into weeks, Cas’s calls had become scarce, mostly not bothering to call because he knew he’d get no answer. 

He convinced himself that it was better this way. Better to be miserable. So, he started dating Lisa again, despite how bad of an idea it was. 

___ 

Cas stretched out from beneath his covers, letting them fall at his waist. The sun poking from in between the skyline and the clouds that littered the diamond-colored sky. His roommate is typing away at a paper, the clicking pulling him out of bed. Cas didn’t have any classes after eleven on Wednesdays, so he called Anna. 

“Hey Cas,” Anna’s bright red hair was curled around her face, the early spring sun lighting it up. “I haven’t heard from you in a while, how are you, and your classes?” 

“I’ve been fine, busy is all. My classes are getting more difficult, prepping us for certifications in May.” He ran his fingers through his hair, “You?” 

“I’m good, classes are good. You heard about Sam, right?” She broached the topic gently, she knew the brothers meant a lot to him, after spending the better half of winter break at their house. 

“What about Sam?” Cas wasn’t sure what all everyone else knew, he kicked at the pavement as they walked. 

“He was getting hooked on opiates… and then Dean flipped out.” Cas looked up at the mention of Dean’s name. 

“Yea, I heard about Sam. Have you heard from either of them recently?” The bustle of lunch rush traffic pushed onwards beside them, cars honking at idiots cutting them off. 

“I haven’t spoken with Dean in a while, I was with Kevin and Sam the other day though. Sam seems to be doing a bit better. Oh! And Jo and I were talking the other day and you’ll never guess who’s back in the picture!” She paused for dramatic effect, “Lisa!” 

“Oh.” Cas’s stomach flipped and he swallowed, trying to shove the feeling of jealousy down into his stomach. Dean and Lisa. They were a nice-looking couple, and she’d been around when Cas first met Dean, but he’d hoped that it was done for. He could handle a crush on a straight friend, he’d done it before, but this was way different. Him and Dean were, together. Were. Past tense apparently. It didn’t surprise him that Dean was back with Lisa after not talking to Cas for a little over a month, but it didn’t ease the hurt. It didn’t make any of it any less painful. 

He knew Dean blamed himself for Sam, for anything that went wrong. He got the feeling that he felt guilty about being queer and supposed that was enough to drag himself back to Lisa and to shut Cas out so completely. They had been doing so well too. It became easier to avoid Dean and most of the rest of his friends, to stay in San Francisco more often than not. He had mountains of work to do anyways. 

The first half of the semester dragged on slowly and agonizingly, classed gearing up for mid-terms and the first level of first aid certifications that would start after spring break. 

Then his phone rings. “Hello?” 

“Cas, hey!” Sam’s voice fills the receiver. 

“Hi, Sam. How are you?” 

“Good, I’m doing well at the library.” 

“That’s good, I’m glad.” Cas fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, pulling at a loose string. 

“So, actually, I wanted to call and see if you wanted to grab lunch sometime?” 

“Yea, that’d be good.” 

Glad to finally have a conversation with a friend outside of school, Cas waited in anticipation for the weekend. He’d be picking up Sam in town before going to a diner. Actually, the one Dean used to work at. The week passed by slower than any of the previous ones, each minute of lectures feeling excruciating. 

Hannah had seemed to take a liking to Cas, walking side by side to their classes, which were usually in the same building. It was nice to have a friend at school, but she was a little serious. He couldn’t joke with her like he could with the rest of his friends, and his roommate explained that he had a suspicion that she liked Cas. This made him nauseous. 

Finally, the weekend arrived. Cas was near buzzing with excitement to talk to someone outside of school, besides Hannah, who didn’t really count. The car rumbled along quietly in the Saturday air. The sun shone gently on Cas’s face, he could almost convince himself nothing had happened to break him and Dean apart, that he was on his way to him now. But his heart knew better than to let itself dream, shattering the illusion. 

“Hey Cas, long time no see.” Sam ducked down into the car, pulling the release bar to scootch the seat back. “How’ve you been?” 

“I’ve been fine, busy.” Cas pulled off the curb, “And you?” 

“Been better, been worse.” Sam watched Cas silently, “We’ve missed having you around. It seems you were the balance.” He let out a weak chuckle. “Uhm, and Dean too, he misses you too.” Cas tensed up at his name, not bothering to respond. The diner was only down the street, so it didn’t take long at all to arrive. 

“So how are you, really?” Cas spoke up once they had been seated. “I mean, the last time I saw you…” 

“I was passed out on the couch.” Sam pulled his lips into a frown, but his eyes stayed on the menu. “Well, I haven’t overdosed since, if that’s what you’re really asking.” 

“Good, I’m glad.” Cas tried hard to ignore the little quirks Sam has, the ones that remind him of Dean. “Are you going back to school in the fall?” 

“Yea, I’m scheduled to return. I’ll have fourteen credit hours to deal with, but I’ll be back on track. I’ve hardly been left alone for these past few months. It’s annoying as hell. It’s like I’m on suicide watch all the time.” He shook his head, dropping the menu to the table right as the waitress walked up. 

“What can I get for you boys?” She was an older woman, dark hair pinned up at the back. 

“I’ll get a burger with fries, and a coke too please.” Sam says, handing her the menu. 

“Me too.” Cas barely flipped through the menu, trying to distract himself from the nervousness that had settled in his stomach. 

“So, what about you? I know you haven’t stayed away for months just because you’ve been ‘busy’” Cas made a face at him, “Hey, you live forty minutes away, I’m not stupid.” 

“I have been, busy. Certifications are coming up this spring, though I’ll still have another year before I can go into the field. And, I’ve been doing group projects, simulations, family crap. I came to see Anna, so I’m not keeping my distance on purpose.” 

“Oh, coming to see your cousin counts?” Sam had his arms crossed and an eyebrow perked, “So what, you just don’t like us anymore? Did Dean do something?” 

“No, I just-” He sighed into his words, “How is he?” 

“Dean says he’s fine, though you should be talking to him about it. He’s not been leaving his room or eating much though. But he’s back together with Lisa, so I guess that’s something. Honestly…” He took a sip from the coke the waitress had just dropped off with their food. “I think he’s still mad at me, or not mad, just upset I guess?” Cas nodded, taking a bite out of his burger. 

“You’ve been keeping an eye on him?” Cas figured Sam didn’t need to know about Dean’s own issues with drugs and his trips to the hospital for it. 

“As much as I can. He needs his friends, you know?” He gave Cas a look, letting him know that he should be the one checking up on Dean and making sure he was okay. 

“I called back in February, but he wouldn’t come to the phone.” 

“Well, then come in with me when we head back. He’s bound to be home; he will have nowhere to run.” 

“Sam, I don’t think that’s a good idea. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to talk to me.” The unanswered calls, getting back with Cas and avoiding even Anna had made it abundantly clear of his feelings towards Cas. 

“So, you are fighting?” 

“Sam.” 

“Fine, just come in for me then? And Jo’s been missing you too.” 

Against his better judgement, he agreed. Only thirty minutes later, after chatting with Sam about classes and things falling apart between their friends, he immensely regretted agreeing to come in. He climbed slowly up the rickety steps to their door, following Sam into the room. Jo was seated on the couch, a textbook in her lap and a show on quietly in front of her. Dean sat with his back to the door, nose in his own textbooks, scribbling notes frantically into a notebook. 

“Hey Sam,” Jo glanced up as they entered, Cas hovering by the door, ready to leave. “Cas!” She tossed her textbook aside and wrapped an arm around his neck, His eyes were glued to Dean, who was now looking at him, dark circles present under his vacant eyes. “Haven’t seen you in ages, how’ve you been?” Dean looked back to his book. 

“Fine, you?” Cas let out a breath that he realized he’d been holding. Dean’s hair was cut shorter, disheveled from spending the day in, but his eyes. His beautiful eyes. He had looked at him like a stranger, like he’d just walked in off the street instead of someone who probably loved him. 

“Busy with school mostly, I reckon it’s the same for you?” Cas nodded. Sam sat down across from Dean and caught his attention jerking his neck to make Dean say something. He didn’t. Cas saw this as his opening to get the hell out of dodge. 

“All right, well, I better go. I’ve got a meeting with some groupmates in an hour,” He lied, “I just figured I’d drop in and say hello.” He shot Jo a quick smile and nodded at Sam, eyes rolling over Dean where he was hunched over the table. With a little protest from Jo, he left. The whole ride home, he saw the way Dean looked at him and it tore him up. 

Instead of going straight home, his heart leads him to a liquor store. Which he promptly drinks. 

Stumbling onto the sidewalk, Cas puts a hand up to shield his eyes from the streetlight. A mean brightness that makes his skull pound. Thinking about it, Dean hadn’t looked at him like a stranger. He’d looked at Cas like he used to mean everything, but no longer meant anything at all. This was worse. It was colder, more painful, so Cas washed down another gulp of whatever bottle was in his hand. A cheap vodka, he didn’t remember drinking the first half, though he apparently had. The ground shifted uneasily beneath him and he leaned against the streetlight post. His head was fogged up and swimming in vodka. Cas watched a couple walk out of a restaurant, giggling and arms intertwined. He scowled and took another drink. 

Cas had been patient. He had been alright with just being friends, but then Dean kissed him, and didn’t stop till Sam. He didn’t even try to talk to him. “I loved you, you asshole,” he slurred, “I loved you.” He sobbed and dropped himself onto the pavement, resting his head on his knees. The cool night breeze cooled off the hotness of his tears as they streaked down his face. 

Even in the harsh reality of his gaze, Dean had been beautiful. He always was, nearly blonde hair perfectly disheveled, green eyes, freckles and all. Cas reached into his wallet and pulled out the polaroid photo from Dean’s birthday. The ease in which the moment had slipped away had been alarming, the feeling of sheets beneath him, the glow of Dean’s skin as he smiled at his side of the set of photos, the one of Cas. The afternoon sun had shone through the window so gently, spilling gold along the two boys and the room.


	20. Chapter 20

Dean’s been working himself to the bone, putting money towards getting Sam help. Any opportunity for overtime, he takes. Frank at the garage has been noticing his willingness to jump on overtime and has started offering him the hours before anyone else. His classes are suffering in light of his working, grades dropping ever so slightly. In an effort to keep them afloat, he studies well into the night, sacrificing his sleep. Not an aspect of himself isn’t suffering under the weight of balancing it all. 

Dean wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Sam didn’t turn out okay. He’d practically raised him, and to see all of that go down the drain would suck the life out of him. He was supposed to live a life, graduate, get a comfy job as a lawyer. Use his big head for something good. 

In his downtime, he spends time with Lisa. She had been happy to get back together, ‘knowing that it hadn’t been an ending for them’. If Dean could still feel anything, that would’ve sunk a kick into his stomach. He ached to be with Cas again, but he didn’t trust himself to be alone with him. Knowing that he’d end up in his arms again. It was too much. Lisa stood for everything that would mean a normal life for him. And though it sounded ridiculous, Dean was sure that him loving men was the reason for the people around him suffering so badly. He should’ve known, after they had lost Jess. He’d hoped so badly that his father had been wrong, but he got the feeling that he hadn’t been. 

The moonlight shone brightly against the trashed bedroom, boxes tipped over and things thrown against the wall and shattered at the floor from a particularly bad night. Dean hadn’t even been able to look through his photos without crying out. Everything felt wrong. 

It was early in the morning, and he forced himself to sleep, knowing he’d be working all day and then into the night for school. The only thing pushing him through was that Sam had seemed to be doing better with his counseling. Dean’s own pills had been replaced several times over, anxiety too high to be without them. 

“Dean?” Jo tapped softly on his door. “It’s time to get up, I made eggs if you want some.” Dean moaned and pulled himself out of bed and heading towards the shower. 

“No thanks.” 

“Dean, you need to eat. You didn’t eat very much yesterday; you’re running on fumes.” Sam had already left for work, and Jo pleaded with him in the silence of the apartment. 

“I’m fine, mom.” His stomach grumbled uncomfortably but he pushed down the feeling. The cool water hit his back while he cleaned up. He hadn’t bothered with warm water in weeks, it always ended up with at work, leaving him in a panic and short of breath. 

At work, he keeps his head down, working methodically at the task before him. Frank eventually pulls him aside. 

“Winchester, I’ve noticed you picking up extra shifts and overtime. You still in school?” 

“Yes, sir.” He wiped at the grease on his hands. 

“You’re working yourself too hard, you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.” Frank’s brows pulled together worriedly. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Okay, well don’t tell the other guys but I’m giving you paid time off for spring break. I know it’s coming up.” 

“You don’t need to do that,” Dean protested, dreading a week without something to keep him busy, to keep him from slipping further. “I’m good, really.” 

“It’s decided Winchester. Now get back to work.” Frank went back to checking in on other projects the rest of the guys had been working on. 

Spring break was in a week, and Dean had no idea what he’d do to keep himself busy. Maybe catching back up on schoolwork. Despite his protesting, he desperately needed a break, and paid too. The rest of the workday went by smoothly, he stayed an hour after to finish up what he was working on before thanking Frank for his generosity and leaving. 

Jo was already trying to convince him to take that time off and was ecstatic that he’d gotten the week off, she chattered on about how Brady and them were planning to get a cabin up in the mountains for spring break, and how fun it would be to get them all together again. She even extended the offer to Lisa. It didn’t comfort Dean. 

They had gotten back together in February, Dean showing up at her place and apologizing. She had given her roommate a knowing look before hugging around his neck. She had been so happy; it had seemed like a good idea. The only problem was that Dean didn’t love her. He was good at pretending though, so he did. They went to dinners and he complimented her, they went to parties and they danced. He’d drive her home before returning to get wasted and let himself shrink into the corners of the rooms of people. The lights egged him on, chanting at him to chug his drink down. To chase the high with drunk. 

One night in particular, Dean realized it was easier to kiss Lisa when he was drunk. The realization hit him hard, and he blacked out that night. Before blacking out he had taken a few pills and drank nearly a whole bottle, finishing it off after thinking he saw Cas, only to be met with a man who wasn’t him. Lisa had been long gone, and everyone else around him was just as trashed as him. So, he had walked upstairs with the man. He had tried to do anything but kiss, but the feeling of despair pulled at him from his gut. He had been kissing the man, barely pulling away for breath, he hadn’t even realized he had started crying. And that was the last thing he remembered. 

Dean woke up the next morning, on the patio furniture. The morning sun beating down on him, and a pack of cigarettes beside him, accompanied by an empty bottle of liquor. He didn’t smoke, but apparently, from the taste of it on his lips, he had. He had tried to before, but the burning reminded him too much of the heat of the fire that had started the end of his life. His head pounded angrily against his temples. 

Stumbling through the trashed living room into the bathroom, he ignored the frat guy passed out on the floor and searched for painkillers or aspirin. Taking two of each he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years guys! I’m going to take a quick break for a day or two to celebrate with my family, I’ll still be writing if/when I can but I won’t post again until the new year! Stay safe and have a happy new year!


	21. Chapter 21

By the grace of god, Dean passed his mid-terms. Getting mostly C’s and D’s, but it was better than failing them altogether. Jo had convinced him to come, and to bring Lisa, a romantic getaway, and a way for everyone to wind down before the spring semester tore them a new one. 

Brady had rented out a cabin up in the woods, but it was less of a cabin and more of a house. There would be four bedrooms, and there was a creek not far behind it. Dean tossed a stack of shirts and jeans into his bag. He set his polaroid on top gently, shoving the rest of his necessities in before zipping it up. 

“Dean, are you nearly ready?” Sam pushed the door open and tried to ignore the broken glass on the carpet against the wall. “Jo’s already in the car.” It would be a few hours' drive and they still had to pick up Lisa before heading up. 

“Yep,” He shrugged it onto his shoulder, “I can’t believe I got dragged into this on my week off.” Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed his own bag, shutting the door behind them. 

Lisa climbed into the backseat beside Dean when they picked her up, pecking him on the cheek. “Hey babe, are you excited?” She sat close enough to smell the perfume on her skin. Dean bit the inside of his lip, working a blister into it. 

“Yea, hopefully I can catch up on sleep.” He smiled softly at her, letting his eyes flick away quickly to watch everything fly past. The afternoon sun shimmering off the city’s windows, turning green as they drove further away. Trees flicked past, birds a stark back against the cloud dotted sky. Wind filling their wings, leading them where they belonged. Dean fell asleep on the ride, letting the hum of the car ease him into sleep. 

He dreamed of the blue sky, dipping his toes into a lake that matched its color. The warmth of a person beside him, but he couldn’t lift his eyes to see who. A single crow perched on a log nearby, watching. Eyes nearly human, it cocked its head, carefully trained on Dean. His fingers tracing absentmindedly at the person’s palm. “Dean.” 

He woke to his head resting against the window, Lisa reading beside him. Sam and Jo were talking in the front seat about something Dean didn’t bother hearing. The landscape outside had changed, and his ears popped with the elevation change. The trees had become thicker and the road weaving between the rock. When they pulled up the gravel drive, the other two cars had already arrived. Brady stood on the porch, shoving a cooler against the house. 

“Hey Brady!” Sam jogged up to the porch, pulling him in to clap a hand on his back. Lisa tangled her hand with Dean’s as they walked up. His eyes met Cas’s as he stepped out to greet Sam. His blue eyes crystalline, stealing the breath from his lungs. His dark hair pushed out of his face, a button up hanging loosely against his chest. Dean loosened his grip in Lisa’s hand. The evening sun shone beautifully against his own skin, illuminating all of them in a golden haze. 

Cas looked away first, turning his attention to Sam and asking him how he’s been, only looking at Dean once more before Following Sam and Jo inside. 

“Dean! How’ve you been?” Kevin bounced up to him and Lisa, he was only slightly taller than her. “Haven’t seen you in ages man!” Lisa let go of his hand and gathered the last of her things, letting them talk outside. 

“I’m fine, keeping busy.” He sighed, “This is the first real day off I’ve had in months.” 

“Damn. Well, lucky we have this cabin all week then huh?” He shot him a toothy smile. “I’ve been keeping busy too, not near as much as you I suppose. But you gotta see this place, it’s beautiful. And there’s plenty of bedrooms, you and Lise’ll have one too yourselves.” He wiggled his brows and winked before leading Dean off the porch and into the home. 

The living room had a wrap-around sofa big enough for all of them, and the kitchen was equally as impressive. An island filling up the center of the room. The fridge had already been stocked with drinks and food. 

“Dean, we’ve got the first bedroom on the left.” Lisa walked up behind him in the kitchen, kissing his shoulder. She knew enough to know that he was struggling, but he didn’t talk to her about how badly or what. “You can drop your bag in there if you don’t wanna carry it around all week.” She let out a breathy laugh, kissing him again before grabbing a soda from the fridge. 

“Thanks, yea.” He headed down the hall and into their bedroom. It was fairly large, with a full bed and dresser set. Dean dropped his duffle to the floor and flopped on the bed. The sun was really setting now, and it spread an orange light onto the floor. 

They started the week off slowly, not getting too out of hand and mostly settling in. Pasta for dinner and a movie was as rambunctious as it got. Dean avoided meeting Cas’s eyes the whole time and stared at his plate, laughing when someone said a joke and nodding his head to their stories. Not really paying attention to them, pushing the noodles across his plate before clearing it into the trash can. 

That night, with Lisa’s head against his chest, her breathing steadying out, he thought of Cas. His blue eyes and tanned skin in the golden light of dusk. He almost hadn’t expected him to come, but these were his friends too. Cas’s room was just across the hall, not that Dean had been paying attention to where he was sleeping. And he was roomed with Kevin anyways. But he couldn’t help imagining Cas nestled up beside him, his hair going every which way and his breath even next to Dean’s. He remembered why he hadn’t been allowing himself to be around Cas. Because he couldn’t control his thoughts, and the longing that rang from deep in his gut. 

He tried to not think about Cas’s mouth kissing down his stomach, or his hands in his hair, or even kissing into Cas’s neck. But he couldn’t help it. He fell asleep to the thoughts of Cas, ignoring the fact that it was Lisa in his arms. 

This is what he’d been worried about the cabin for. Being stuck in a house with Cas for six days, because he knew he couldn’t trust himself. He woke up with a hard on. He jumped out of bed and bolted to the shower, which was thankfully empty, before Lisa even knew he was awake. He quickly shut on the water and took a second to marvel at the water pressure, much better than in his apartment. 

Hopping in, he stifled a groan with his left hand, working at himself with the other. The warm water against his back, and the memory of his dream left him shaking. His breath was running ragged and he leaned against the wall of the shower, pushing his lips together to avoid calling out a name, his chest heaving. 

“Who’s in there?” A voice called from the other side of the door, making Dean freeze. 

“Uh, Dean.” He cleared his throat. Frozen in place. 

“I’m coming in!” Dean stood silently in the shower, reaching for the bottle of soap to wash his hair. “I just need to grab my toothbrush, sorry.” It was Cas. Fuck it was Cas. Dean nearly melted at his voice, gathering himself together, but he didn’t respond. As quickly as he had invaded, he had gone. Dean let out a sigh and finished showering. 

“Morning.” Dean walked into the kitchen, kissing the top of Lisa’s head where she sat at the table. 

“Did you sleep ok?” She leaned back to look at him and he grabbed a banana for breakfast. 

“Yea, it’s a lot quieter here than in town.” Sam and Brady joined them, discussing venturing down into the creek and how Brady was gonna go wild tonight. By noon, most of them are goofing off in the creek. Dean sits on the creek bed, sun shining lazily across his features as he watches Sam splash water towards Kevin, who was very hesitant to step into it. A crawdad zooms past his foot and he shrieks, sending the rest of the boys into fits of laughter. Even Dean. Cas was at the other end of the group, crouched down in the rocks to watch the tadpoles flit about, occasionally flipping a rock to see a crawdad flee to the next closest rock. His mouth turned upwards, into a crooked smile. 

Cas’s smile lights up Dean’s face, smiling like he hasn’t done for months. And it didn’t count if you didn’t act on it right? Till Lisa appears with Jo behind him, watching the boys screw around in the water, jeans rolled up to their calves. The water glittered and refracted the sunlight onto the nearby trees, illuminating the area like a fairytale. 

“Hey babe.” Lisa sat down beside Dean, swiping leaves out of the way. “It’s so pretty out here.” 

“Yea, it really is.” But his eyes were fixed on Cas. His hair had not been combed or anything and stuck up wildly like it had when they’d been waking up beside each other all those months ago. 

The day passed quickly, the kids pushing each other around the creek, Sam eventually losing his balance and falling ass-first into the water. Kevin was laughing until Sam pulled him in too. Eventually, they had all made their way back inside for dinner. Anna was reading at the front porch when they walked back up. The weather had been heating back up, and her cheeks had been sunburnt in the afternoon sun. The air had lightened significantly, everyone winding down from the semester and trying to forget that they had to go back in a week. 

With dinner, began the drinking. The boys started up before the girls did, Brady and Dean getting into an argument about how high their tolerance was, and they ended up chugging their glasses. Jo turned on the radio to play loud music and they danced around the living room, jumping on the couch and singing loudly. Dean leaned against the wall, watching it all. Lisa and Jo were dancing in the middle of the room and Brady had somehow gotten Kevin in a headlock. Cas was drinking heavily in his seat, watching Kevin shove Brady off with a smile. 

“Glad you came?” Sam walked up beside him, a beer in hand. 

“Yea I guess I can forgive y’all for dragging me along.” His head was light with spirits and belly full from dinner. The night grew later and eventually Lisa kissed him and headed for bed, everyone else not far behind her. 

Dean pulled himself out of his seat and sat on the back porch, looking off into the trees. The crickets had started up and chirped happily in the grass, stars peeking from in between leaves watching the boy sit on the stoop. The door creaked open behind him. 

“Dean,” Cas waited at the door, ready to go back in if Dean didn’t speak to him. “Mind if I join you?” 

Dean shrugged and fidgeted with his fingers, careful not to look at Cas. He was tipsy and knew better than to trust himself. Cas let himself down gently beside Dean, looking up at the stars. 

“I’m glad it’s getting warm again,” he said, looking over at Dean. “I’m ready for summer.” An owl hooted from the trees, filling the silence that Dean had allowed to settle in place of his response. After months of missing him, Cas now sat just inches away. The darkness and solitude a cover for him to reach out and kiss him, which he ached to do. Instead, he cleared his throat and stood up, heading back inside and leaving Cas behind him in the dark. His breath caught in his throat, threatening to make him throw up his dinner. Leaving Cas had made him nauseous, so he went to bed and laid down away from Lisa’s reach. 

The next few days went similarly, the young adults rousing awake, and spending the day relaxing or splashing in the creek looking for cool stones. And usually ended with games or a movie, but always with chatter and laughter. They hadn’t been together with all of them since Dean’s birthday, and even longer if you included Lisa. But there was Cas. His hair curled perfectly against his forehead, shirt buttoned low enough to expose his collar bones, as if he knew where Dean’s eyes landed. Dean spent his time strategically avoiding Cas, both in his presence and in his mind, but neither stuck. 

Finally, on Thursday, Cas approached Dean on the front porch. He was sitting in one of the chairs, flipping through a book mindlessly. The evening air warm and comforting. 

“Hey,” He cleared his throat to get his attention. “Dean, I wanted to talk, uhm, see how you are and stuff.” 

“Oh.” 

“So, how are you?” Cas sat down on the edge of the other chair, eyes focused on Dean, but he hadn’t looked up. 

“Fine.” 

“Dean… I…” He took a deep breath, slouching against his seat. “What did I do wrong?” 

This caught his attention, and Dean looked up at Cas. Drinking in the way he looked against the colors around him, and how nice he looked. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Cas.” He choked out his name, looking away from him 

“Well then what’s wrong? I’m fine with you being with Lisa, really, I am. But I… I miss you. You shut me out,” Cas’s voice cracked, and he tried to get out everything he’d been thinking for the last few months. “I miss my best friend, Dean. Please, look at me.” Dean put his hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose, willing away the tears that pricked at his eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice was smaller than he intended. 

“Look at me, please.” Cas was pleading with him before erupting with emotion. “Look at me damnit! You have hardly looked at me this whole week! Do you know how bad it hurt to be cut off after disappearing like that? I thought you might’ve died! And then months of radio silence!” He got to his feet and stood in front of Dean. “Look at me please!” 

Dean opened his eyes and tears streamed down his cheeks, falling into Cas’s arms, sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

“I know, it’s okay.” He wrapped his arms around Dean, “You’re okay.” 

“I knew if I… if I looked at you it’d be over. I’d fall all over again! I can’t, I can’t. Every time I do this something bad happens. The people around me suffer because of me Cas, I can’t. please, I’m sorry-” 

Cas pushed a kiss into his temple, calming his sobs. “Dean, bad things will happen. No matter what we do, they will. So, do what makes you happy. Even if it’s not me.” Dean unburies his face from Cas’s shoulder and looks him square in the face. 

“What makes me happy, Cas it’s you, of course it’s you. I… it was always you, you idiot.” He grabbed him by the face and pushed a kiss onto his lips, face still wet with tears. “Just you.” He whispered it this time. 

Cas breathed a sigh onto the top of his head and kissed him once more, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. Dean leaned into the touch, letting himself breathe after months of holding his breath.


	22. Chapter 22

The sun shines through the blinds and hits the dust flying around the room, the blinds leaving slivers of sunlight across the carpet, covers, and the two figures beneath. Cas’s eyelashes fluttered softly at his cheeks; hair strewn across his forehead. Dean memorized his every feature, eyes taking in the man before him, with sun speckled across his face. The covers rose and fell gently with their breathing. Dean supposed this was the moment he fell in love with Cas, but thinking back, he couldn’t tell you when he didn’t. 

The summer was coming up quick, pulling the sun up earlier and classes were getting harder in anticipation for Dean’s last set of finals. But they still had two weeks left of April. Dean reached out a finger to trace gently down Cas’s nose, watching his eyes open up exposing the beautiful blue. 

“Hi.” Cas smiled that good morning smile and ran a hand along his jaw, resting it on his chin. He pulled him in for a kiss. 

“Morning pretty boy.” Dean pulled Cas by the waist, resting his lips on Cas’s forehead. There was no where in the planet he’d rather be. Which was unfortunate for his girlfriend, who had been back with him for a month. But here he was, breathing in the smell of his own shampoo on Cas’s hair, arm pulled tight across his waist. 

“What’s the plan today?” 

“Oh, I gotta go to lunch with Lise, and then study for a quiz on Monday.” Cas’s face fell at the mention of Lisa, he pulled his brows together and frowned. “I know, Cas. I’m sorry, I-” 

“I know.” Cas rested a hand on Dean’s chest. “It’s okay, I know.” Dean had been meaning to break it off with her again but couldn’t bring himself to. It was safer this way, even though it was a disservice to Lisa, it would keep anyone off his back. Their friends wouldn’t know, of course, because they had always been that close. “Do you want to go to the beach tomorrow?” 

“Of course.” Dean smiled softly, his eyes crinkling at the corners. With a groan and a sigh, Dean rolled off the bed for a shower, leaving Cas to curl up in the absence of his warmth. 

“Hi Dean,” Lisa stood and pecked him on the lips. 

“I know, I’m late, sorry. Slept in a little too long.” Dean chuckled but didn’t meet her eyes. The two sat down at their booth, a plate of fries already ordered. He grabbed two and dipped them in ketchup before shoving them into his mouth. 

“So…” 

“Mhm?” Dean shoved another bite of fries into his mouth. 

“I know, Dean.” He gulped quickly and looked at her innocently. 

“Know what?” His heart was racing, and breath caught in his throat, she knew. His father’s words, which he hadn’t heard in nearly a month came roaring back. Faggot. Worthless. Useless. 

“Don’t play dumb. Dean I know there’s someone else.” She pushed her drink away, watching the trail of water it left behind on the table. Her curled hair pinned back behind her ears. He remembered why he’d liked her. It wasn’t hard, she was pretty and smart. 

“There’s no one else.” He said quickly, gripping his shaking hands on his jeans. “I don’t know where this is coming from.” 

“Dean, I know you’ve had a lot going on since you got here.” Her voice was soft, and she steadied it before continuing. “But this is different. I… You’re more distracted than usual. And a happy kind of distracted. I’m glad for you, I am, but please just don’t lie to me.” 

“I…” She hadn’t been this forward in their whole relationship, and he was at a loss for words. How much did she know? Did she know it was men, or Cas, or just someone else? His cheeks were hot with blush and he fidgeted nervously with his hands. “I…” 

“Just say it. Say it so we can move on. Dean, I don’t want us to be stuck with each other.” Her eyes were brimmed with tears. 

“What do you know?” Dean stumbled over his words, careful not to say too much. A knot in his stomach twisted uncomfortably, making him wish he hadn’t eaten those fries. 

“What do you mean ‘What do I know?’” She huffed, crossing her arms across her chest. “I know there’s someone else, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out Dean.” 

“You’re right.” His mouth was dry, he hadn’t come out to anyone since Benny, and he wasn’t about to do this with his girlfriend in a shitty diner. 

She sighed but didn’t meet his eye. “Since when?” 

“August, I guess.” 

She repeated him, ghosting August with her mouth. “Since us?” Dean nodded. He remembered the night they’d fought and broken up, and what it led to. Him and Cas tangled in the sheets of his bed. “Why bother getting back together then? Why bother putting us both through this again?” 

“I… I was selfish, I’m sorry. I didn’t do it to hurt you, I swear.” 

“Of course not. That’s why you cheated on me, right? After you were the one who wanted to get back together? And you were the one not bothering to put any effort in since then. Why do any of this Dean?” Her voice was raising, and Dean’s hands were trembling on his thighs and his neck was hot. 

“Can we not do this here, please.” He sounded small, and glanced around at the other tables, where a few glances had shifted their way. 

“Oh! Too public for you Dean? You haven’t taken me out anywhere since August!” There she was. Not that her suspicions and concerns were unfounded. “What are you ashamed of me or worried your true love will see?” 

“Lise, please. Please.” His voice was shaking now, and his breath came unevenly, the diner lights shining too bright and the whispers of the other customers hitting his ears too loudly. 

“Tell me who.” His breathing was erratic now and he was frantic to get out. The movements came not by any means of his brain, which was in overdrive. The bench creaked when he shoved his way off it and bolted for the door, bell jingling distantly as he stumbled onto the sidewalk, gasping for breath. His head was spinning, the headlights of cars shining too brightly, and the colors of the sunset blurred and hazy. He tripped over his feet to lean up against the diner, away from the windows. The brick was rough and warm beneath his hand, from sitting in the sun all day. Vaguely, he could hear his name being called from behind him, but he just focused on trying to steady his breathing. Tears spilled down his cheeks hotly, escaping out in breathless sobs, quiet against the city noises around him. 

“Dean, what the hell?” Lisa walked up behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder to turn him around before seeing his face. “Dean?” 

He held a finger up to tell her to wait, hand shaking in its place. 

“What’s going on?” 

“I’m sorry,” He finally choked out, leaning his back against the brick and closing his eyes tightly. “I’m sorry.” 

“I know. You said that.” She put her hands on her hips, but the look of worry didn’t clear off her face. “What the hell is going on Dean?” 

“I… Lisa, I’m… Shit.” Dean let out a weak chuckle, pushing the palms of his hands into his eyes. Willing the words out. “It’s a he.” His voice was almost too quiet to hear. 

“What?” She took a step back, blinking in surprise. “What are you talking about?” 

“The who. It’s a he.” A weight lifted from his chest but only to settle in his stomach, threatening to send the fries he’d eaten back up. 

“I don’t understand.” 

“Lisa, it was easier to be with you than to deal with… this.” He took a deep breath, uncovering his eyes. “I’m sorry, you deserved better than that.” 

“You’re lying. You’re lying! What the hell do you mean ‘he’! You’re not a… you aren’t…” 

“A fag?” He spit the word out like fire, singeing the end of his tongue. What his father had called him just months before he’d met Lisa. Months before he decided to start new. Months in which he tried scrubbing the words and how true they were off of his skin. 

“That’s not what I was going to say. I’m sorry Dean, I’m just having a hard time understanding where you’re coming from.” The night air was warm against his cheeks, and everything sounded too loud and too quiet all at the same time. “Why even bother with me then?” 

“I did… do like you Lise, I just… I don’t know. It’s different. I’m sorry.” 

“Stop saying that. I know you’re sorry Dean, but it’s not something that we can fix is it? It’s not something that apologizing will make go away.” 

“So, now what?” Dean shoved his hands into his pockets, toeing at the loose cracks in the pavement. 

“Well, I’d guess we break up for good now. It’s not going to do either of us any good together… was it the whole time?” She watched him intently, waiting for his answer. 

“Was… he the whole time? Or all of them?” The wind flipped his hair loosely across his forehead, falling into his eyes before he pushed it back. He thought of Benny, even Lee from middle school, and especially Cas. 

“Either of them, or both… I guess.” She tightened her arms across her chest against the breeze. 

“He wasn’t. But they were there long as I can remember, Lise, I tried as hard as I could to stop. Hell, I had it prayed, yelled, beat… out of me.” His eyes glazed over with the memories of John and the church, fuzzy around the edges but still sharp where it counted. “I tried to be normal Lise, I tried so fucking hard, you gotta believe me.” 

“I do, I just, God Dean. What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” The noises from the street seemed miles away, the drivers and passengers not much more than glancing their way. Hurrying to get home from a day out, or bustling to meet friends for a late dinner, each life as meaningless and important as theirs but Dean felt like a weight had been shifted from his shoulders. 

“I don’t know. Just, you won’t tell anyone will you?” 

“Of course not. Not my place.” She hesitated, “Does Sam know?” 

“Not really.” 

“Are you gonna tell him?” 

Dean grimaced, “Wasn’t planning on it.” He forced a weak chuckle, trying to fill the space in the conversation. “I don’t know, okay. It’s hard.” 

“Okay, well, I know you probably won’t want to talk to me about it, but if you need to. I guess you could.” She tucked a stray hair behind her ear and stepped forward hesitantly, kissing him on the cheek. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.” 

“Me too.” 

The beach the next day was placid, waves calmly rolling over each other to reach the shore. Pushing a line of sea foam onto the beach. Shells littered the sand, small shiny flecks sprinkled before the sea. Dean and Cas walked from the car, knuckles nearly brushing together. The sun had since set, leaving the cool night air to blow across the beach and the moon to rise In its slumber. 

This was the same beach they’d visited on the fourth of July, only now it was just them. The moon watched over them in silence, showering them in silver light. Cas’s hair was flecked with the shimmering light and his eyes practically glowed. There was no one to watch them here. Dean set their stuff down on the sand gently, pulling his shirt over his head and dropping it on his bag. 

“Giving me a show huh?” Cas wrapped his arms around his middle pulling him in and kissing along his collars and up to his jaw. “And you call me the pretty one.” He smirked, dropping his own clothes to the growing pile. Dean tied the drawstrings on his swim trunks into a bow, eating up the sight of Cas’s tanned chest in the moonlight, his hip bones peeking from beneath the waistband his own trunks. 

“What do you say we go for a swim?” Dean trailed his hand down to Cas’s pulling him towards the water line until the cool water swept across their feet, pulling them in until they were waist deep. 

“So, no more Lisa?” 

“No more Lisa,” Dean smiled lazily, “You have me all to yourself.” He looped his arms around Cas’s neck, drinking in the sight of him lit up in the pale moonlight. 

“I’m proud of you.” Cas whispered, kissing him and tasting of sea salt and home. They swayed together in the current, as if dancing to the sound of the stars. Dean could’ve cried in that moment, overjoyed with the feeling of belonging that he could never remember feeling, not drowned out with shame or mistrust. Nowhere felt more like home than in these arms, than with Cas. 

The only thing reminding Dean that this wasn’t a cruel dream, was the cold waves hitting his side. The spray gently ingraining the smell of the ocean into their hair and skin. He smiled widely and pulled Cas in, afraid to let him too far away, as if he’d drift off and never come back. They were the only people who mattered in the whole world. Everyone else could disappear and it wouldn’t change a thing.


	23. Chapter 23

After months of hard work and struggle, the semester draws to a close. Dean skates by in most of his classes, being sure to work hard enough to land him a job with the carpentry business he’d been interning with. They paid well enough for him to start putting money aside, a free feeling that was new to him. Finally, after two years of dragging himself through the mud, he had a degree to show for it. And if no one else was proud, Dean was. 

Against Sam’s wishes, he didn’t go to the ceremony, opting to have the degree mailed to him. After a spring of misery and then relief, Dean was ready to get trashed. He was finally free from the education system and felt like a man just escaped from prison. Sammy’d be staying home with Kevin tonight, watching movies instead of partying with the rest of them. Kevin still had a final left, and Sam was getting the final steps ready for his return in fall. 

Sam seemed to be getting a bit better, now being trusted to be home alone, or to go without being checked in on for a day. It looked like healing. 

“Come on Jo! You’re wasting precious time!” Dean banged on her door, pulling his shirt on and spiking his hair up at the front. He’d abandoned the movie star look temporarily for the start of the summer, it’d get too hot on his forehead at work and pretty soon he would’ve had to start using a ponytail. So, it was cut short. He winked at Sam, who was settling in at the kitchen table with his FAFSA paperwork. “Don’t have too much fun without us Sammy.” 

“Oh, Kev will make sure of it. He’s got a bio exam day after tomorrow.” He flipped through his papers, his long hair spilling into his eyes. 

“You could get your hair cut like mine.” Dean waggled his eyebrows at Sam, running his hands through his hair. 

“God no.” Dean feigned hurt and leaned against the back of the sofa. 

“Jo-” He started. 

“Alright princess, Jesus. The one day you’re ready before me.” She laced up her boots and followed Dean out the door tossing him the keys to her car. Without Sammy, she’d be the designated driver. It was Dean’s time to celebrate after all. 

The drive out to Los Altos was a short one, Jo and Dean hyping each other up by singing along to Bon Jovi, well, more like shouting along. The windows down and wind whipping through the car, tangling Jo’s hair into knots and echoing their music out into the night. Dean flung his hand out the window, weaving the wind through his fingers. The moon was bright in the sky, it watched over the kids, just like it had when Dean looped his arms around Cas in the ocean, and just like it had when he stumbled onto Sam’s front step two years ago. 

The driveway and the street were packed with cars nearly to the corner. One of which, was Anna’s. The house was bursting at the seams with music and lights, college aged kids celebrating the last of their finals. Dean hooked an arm across Jo’s shoulder and walked with her into the party. 

“Dean!” Brady nearly jumped on top of them as they entered, wrapping them in a soul-crushing hug. “How were finals? They let you pass?” He laughed and clapped a hand onto Dean’s shoulder. 

“Hell yea they passed me! Couldn’t stand to have me in class for another year I guess!” Dean barked out a laugh and shoved Brady off of him. “Jesus, where’s the booze?” Brady chuckled at him and pointed towards the hall, saying some stupid line to Jo that he didn’t hear. The crowd was pulsing around him as he wove his way through, looking over the heads to find Cas or Anna. 

The music was loud in his ears and the air was hot around him. He walked up to where the drinks sat on the counter, pouring nearly a whole glass of vodka and washing it down with a cough. Then, he filled it half and half with rum and coke. He hadn’t gotten this fucked up since March. 

“Guess who?” Anna put her hands over his eyes, pulling them away and peeking over his shoulder. “Damn, you planning on getting fucked up?” 

“Hell yes, I think I earned this.” Dean knocked it back and gulped. “Where’s Cas?” 

“Oh, your girlfriend is somewhere around here… I don’t know where he disappeared to.” She looked around quickly before filling the space beside him, pouring herself a drink. 

“He’s not my…” Dean shook his head and leaned back against the counter. “How’d your finals go?” 

“Fan-fucking-tastic. I failed my art class- don’t you fucking dare ask me how I failed art. I did okay in my chem and bio though. You?” 

“Great, I fucking passed, believe it or not.” Dean laughed into his cup, “How the hell did you fail art?” 

“Don’t even start.” She huffed and shoved him in the arm. A kid across the way snuck a pill into his mouth and washed it back with whatever was in his cup wincing at the tase. 

“That’s my cue.” Dean mumbled under his breath, waving Anna away as he crossed the kitchen to follow the kid into the hallway. He slipped into the den, Dean not far behind him. “Hey, kid.” Dean caught him by the shoulder, easily turning him around, he was nearly a half a foot shorter. 

“Woah, I didn’t kiss your girl man! She kissed me!” The kid’s eyes went wide, and he threw his hands up. 

“What? No. I... no. You dealing?” 

“Oh, not really. What’re you looking for?” He ducked his head down, despite having to look near vertically to meet Dean’s eyes. 

“Whatever you got.” Dean slipped him a twenty and swallowed what he’d just been given. The music swelled around him, something pop bumped through the speakers. Dean caught sight of a head of dark hair out of the corner of his eye. Where the hell is he going? Dean weaved in between the girls ogling him and giggling. Dean offered them no more than a glance before following Cas. 

Finally, he caught up to him and grabbed his elbow. “Cas, hey.” Cas spun around and met his eyes, blue glittering in the lights, the curls fighting against the gel that spiked his hair up. 

“Dean, hi.” He smiled at him, nearly pulling his face in for a kiss before realizing where they were. He stopped himself, Dean could smell liquor on his breath. 

“Hey,” His own smile escaping, his mind starting to get fuzzy from the four shots he took in one go. “I was looking for you.” He left his hand on Cas’s elbow. It was too bright, there were too many eyes. “Come with me.” Dean smirked and leaned into Cas’s space, whispering the invitation, breath hot against Cas’s. 

“Oh, I think I’m rather enjoying the party Dean.” Cas grinned, tilting his chin up at Dean, before taking a drink of his cup. 

“Cas,” Dean’s breath was heavy and needy. “Damn you.” And he settled for his hand on the small of Cas’s back, or inside of his arm, or his breath hot on his ear when he leaned in to say something. “I am so ready for summer. The beach, the stuck-up college kids heading back home.” 

“Hell yea, I’ll cheers to that.” Cas and their group raised their cups, cheering and sucking down the remnants of their cups. The floor swayed gently beneath him, the people around him moving too fast to notice them. Dean’s head was spinning at Cas’s hand tangled in the tail of his shirt. 

“Where’s Sam?” Anna practically yelled, grabbing onto Dean to remain upright. Luckily, Dean kept his sea legs and didn’t tumble them both to the floor. 

“Aw, he’s at home getting ready for next semester and helping Kev study.” Dean shrugged. 

“Lame.” 

“Yea, well the last thing we need is a relapse anyway.” Dean laughed out, which was ironic. 

Dean drank a few more glasses and knocked back a few more pills before blacking. Cas, not far behind him on drinks. The two swayed in the music, Dean looking over him hungrily, ignoring the people around him and pulling on Cas’s shirt for them to leave. His hands wandering across Cas’s hips. Finally, Cas spoke up. 

“Hey guys, I’m gonna get Dean home. He’s fucking wasted.” Cas chuckled and elbowed Dean gently in the side. 

“You driving?” Jo eyed him cautiously. “I can take him home; I haven’t had a drop.” 

“Nah, I’ll get a cab to take us. Don’t wanna put you out.” Dean can’t remember the rest of the conversation, the drinks blocking out their talking. He was only focused on Cas, that much he knew. The next thing he knew, was stumbling along the sidewalk, Cas’s hand tangled with his, arm slung across his shoulder to keep him upright. Dean had a vague notion that he was babbling on about some cowboy movie he’d seen and how he had the hots for the lead, though he insisted ‘not as bad as the hots for you so don’t get jealous.’ Every time he realized their bodies were pressed together, he’d roll his head to the side and watch him. Marveling open-mouthed at the sight of beautiful Cas, his hair curling delicately at the edges. Fuck. His stomach twisted uncomfortably, as if just now realizing it’s contents, Dean shoved off of Cas and into the grass. Emptying most of his stomach into the grass, Cas’s hand firmly at his back as the cab pulled up. 

Finally, Cas peeled him off the ground and pulled him into the cab. “Fourth street Palo Alto, by Stanford. Chinese restaurant, can’t miss it.” 

“He isn’t gonna yack in my cab, is he?” Dean was still looking green, head slumped into Cas’s lap. 

“Uh, shouldn’t. I’ll let you know if that changes.” He laughed, but the worried look on his face didn’t disappear. He brushed his fingers through Dean’s hair, smiling to himself. He looked so peaceful now, asleep in his lap. Even despite the lingering smell of puke and vodka that their driver would probably be regretting when it didn’t leave with them. Dean’s light brown hair was soft in between his fingers, the dark backseat hiding them from the whole world. When they finally pull off to the curb in front of the Chinese restaurant, Cas shakes Dean awake softly. “Dean, we’re home.” His eyes fluttered open, revealing the spring green, that almost matched his face once he got his bearings. 

Dean’s eyes near bulged and he threw himself out of the cab and onto his hands and knees, throwing up the remaining contents of his stomach. Cas paid the driver and stumbled out of his seat after Dean, who was still heaving onto the pavement. The Cab pulled off, leaving them two on the sidewalk. Cas pulled Dean up, his arm slung across Cas’s shoulders. Dean rested his head against his shoulder as he walked him up the steps. Once he realized Cas was the one pulling him up the steps, Dean nuzzled his face into his neck, kissing him. 

“Dean, ugh, gross. You reek of puke.” Dean scoffed but continued burying his face into Cas’s neck. “Dean,” Cas tried to pull his neck out of reach while he fumbled with the keys, pushing the door open. “Let’s get you cleaned up and put to bed.” Cas dropped him onto the couch and fetched a wet rag to wipe his face off and started pulling his boots off before he could fall asleep on the couch. Dean rested his hand on Cas’s face while he helped him out of his clothes and into bed, admiring the man for his devotion. 

“Thank you,” Dean smiled lazily at Cas, tangling his hands in his hair and pulling him by the wrist into bed too. “Cas, you’re perfect.” Cas only shook his head and climbed into bed too pulling Dean into his chest, where he promptly fell asleep. 

Dean woke up the next morning with a headache and a disgusting taste in his mouth, letting him know the gist of what had happened last night, his arm was tossed across Cas’s hips, who hadn’t bothered getting out of his jeans. The morning crept up on them, and Dean rolled out of bed to brush his teeth and shower. Sam sat at the kitchen table, coffee in hand. Dean paid him no mind, and just hurried to the bathroom. 

After cleaning the disgusting taste from his mouth, and cleaning up he threw a pair of sweats on and noticed that Sam was still sat at the kitchen table, in silence. 

“Mornin’ Sammy, you okay?” Dean asked, sitting across from him. 

“Yea…” Sam said quietly, hesitating before continuing. “Actually, no. I’ve been avoiding a relapse. Dean, it’s so fucking difficult.” He sounded ashamed of himself, not meeting his older brother’s gaze. 

“I know it’s hard Sam, I know.” Dean took a deep breath and nodded. “Listen, you got this. You’ve had a hard year, I know that. But you can do this, and you’ll go back to school, and you’ll graduate. You’ve got good things ahead of you Sammy. I’ve never been more proud of you. And I’ll be right here.” He smiled warmly, leaning back in his chair. Dean knew how difficult it was to stay away from drugs and alcohol, not only because he was him, but also because they were college students on the coast. It kinda went hand in hand. 

“Thanks, for… you know, everything.” Sam appreciated everything his brother had done for him, from the moment their mother had died, Dean had been forced to fill that role. He had been his mother, and his father where John fell short, and a big brother. Looking out for him at school, protecting him from John, and not once did he ever receive anything in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry I haven't been posting as quickly- hitting a bit of writers block. I'll still be trying to write and post as much as I can though!


	24. Chapter 24

Dean found himself falling deeper in love with Cas as summer opened up a new chapter of their lives. His job at the carpenters was paying enough for him to only work twice a week at the mechanics, and he’d been able to open a savings account. Cas had gotten through his first round of certifications, and this year would be his last before graduating. He did really well with his finals, and they had certainly celebrated. 

Everything was going pretty well, and since it was summer, Cas was staying between Dean and Anna’s places. This was a godsend. Dean felt like he was dreaming still when he woke up in the tangled mess of limbs with Cas half the mornings. He’d breathe softly, just watching his chest rise and fall, the blanket draped across his middle and his arms wrapped around Dean. These moments were something of a miracle. The smell of his shampoo on Cas’s curls was enough to drive him crazy. 

Cas’d be leaving today to stay with Anna for a few days, even though Dean insisted he stay. Finally, he’d given up, after all, it would be less suspicious for Cas to go between the two places, and it would feel less serious than moving in with Dean completely. Though, his stuff was hanging in Dean’s closet and littered his nightstand and dresser. 

Once Cas finally woke up, smiling and pushing Dean’s face away, Dean planted a kiss on his shoulder, rolling over him to get up and dressed. Cas watched him lazily, looking over the freckles along his shoulder blades, the hickeys on the muscle between his shoulders and neck, his hair pushed in every which way from sleeping on it. Dean always called him pretty, but Dean was beautiful. 

Finally, after Dean had abandoned the bed for the living room, Cas got up and ready, throwing only a few t-shirts and pants into his bag for Anna’s. He tossed it over his shoulder and sighed, making his way for the door. Cas smiled at Dean and waved on his way out, the brothers were spread across the couch, some cartoon playing on the TV. Dean jumped up to follow Cas out onto the landing, shutting the door behind him. 

Dean grabbed his face and kissed him, closing his eyes tightly. “Come back to me soon?” 

“Of course, babe.” Cas gave him another peck before walking down the steps and to his car. Babe. Cas had called him babe. Dean’s stomach fluttered, and his cheeks were warm with blush. Dean smiled against the warm summer sun, leaning against the door to watch Cas drive off. Once he had turned the corner, Dean made his way back into his spot on the couch. 

But as he reentered the apartment, Sam was on the phone. His voice angry but quiet. Jo stood in the kitchen watching Sam as he started yelling into the receiver, his eyes hot with tears. 

“Sam?” Dean stood in the doorway, waiting. 

Sam pulled the phone away from his face and looked at his brother, his jaw set. “It’s John.” 

“What does he want?” Dean’s voice was distant, echoing through his head. 

“To talk, to me.” Sam looked down, pulling the phone back to his face because of the talking coming from the other side. Of course John didn’t want to talk to his oldest son. The one that had been a shitstain on his life since they’d lost Mary, the son who didn’t turn out good enough to bother keeping up with, his son-the fag. Dean felt his stomach drop and just stood there silently as Sam frowned into the phone. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he had bolted out the door. His feet quick on the steps and kicking up pebbles as he ran. The steady thump of pavement beneath his feet convincing him to go further. Dean eventually slowed to a walk, the streets bustling with midday shoppers. His mind was numb, thoughts not coming coherently enough to excuse himself when he bumped into another person. The sound of John’s voice through the phone had been muffled and staticky, but it was still John’s voice, and it still sent a wave of nausea through Dean. He remembered being yelled at by the man who claimed to be his father, the hits and the screaming. All of which was etched into his mind. 

The memories came back, skewed and bitter, threatening to choke the breath out of his lungs. Dean’s heart was racing, and the warm summer sun had turned to a hot stinging beast, overwhelming the man so desperately trying to outrun his father. 

Finally, after walking for a few hours, Dean settled down on a park bench. Under the protective shade of a willow tree. The birds were loud, and the heat was stifling, he pulled his knees to his chest and tucked his face into them. Dean tried to calm his breathing, to focus on anything but the voice of his father, harsh and unforgiving. He’d spent two years trying to forget, to grow up, but John called and set it all back. 

John had called to check in on Sammy, after hearing about Jessica. About nine months too late. If anyone knew what Sam was going through, it’d be John, but he’d given up the right to comfort him after driving a wedge between himself and his kids. He’d told them both to stay gone, and they did. But now he was the one interrupting their lives once again. Of course he didn’t want to talk to Dean when Sam told him he was there too, why should he want to talk to his faggot son. The son who practically was the man of the house, no matter how often John convinces himself otherwise. He could have guessed Dean would run to Sam’s the second he left his house, but it was a reminder that the boy had tangled himself in every aspect of their family. 

After an afternoon of sitting in the park, avoiding moving altogether, watching people walk with their lovers and children, Dean stood upright and stumbled to the nearest bar. His feet carrying him mindlessly past the people who paid him no mind. Surely Sam would get worried, but Dean couldn’t find it in him to care. 

He spent the evening and well into the night at the bar, nursing his emotions on a glass of brandy, his fifth. The bar wasn’t too crazy, it was a Sunday night. But he drank heavily, eventually knocking back a few shots of something, he didn’t bother asking what they contained. The bartender eventually hesitated to fill his glasses, watching him carefully before cutting him off. 

“Listen man, I think you’ve had enough,” Dean’s vision tottered, sending him nearly off his chair. 

“’m fine.” Dean mumbled out, planting his hands on the bar to steady himself. 

“Do you want me to call a cab?” The bartender wasn’t buying what Dean was selling and crossed his arms. Dean noticed how attractive the man was, but he was too drunk to care. 

“Nah, I’m good. Another glass please.” Dean slurred, shaking his glass towards the bartender. 

“Nah man, you’re done for the night.” He took the glass and hurried off to handle another patron, leaving Dean to climb to his feet unsteadily. He made his way to the door, grabbing onto the backs of chairs to aid his walking on the way out. The dim lights of the bar gave way to the yellow street lights, buzzing faintly. 

“You fucking screw-up, you’re useless as a son and if I’d known you’d grow up to be a faggot I’d’ve left you in that goddamn fire!” John’s voice was booming through the old one-story, screaming at his older son, whose head was properly numbed from getting wasted. “It’s all your fault! You ruin everything around you! Mary, Sam, It’s all your fault!” Dean had thought his father’s words were true, and perhaps he still did. The memory of the night he left home was burned into his memory, though hazy from the liquor. Each punch his father threw landing with purpose. Feeling like he was trying to kill him, Dean had thrown his shit in a bag and drove. 

“Fuck you.” Dean whispered to the darkened streets of the bay. He was away from John now, he had grown up, he had… then he fell to his hands and knees on the sidewalk, scraping up both and ripping his last pair of un-ripped jeans. “Shit!” He didn’t feel the sting of the scrapes on his hands, nor the small trickle of blood from his knee. But he did hear the beach. The waves just close enough to hear, though always close enough to smell. The air of the bay area always smelled of sea salt, no matter where you were. 

He remembered Cas, and the few times they had gone to the beach together since summer had started. The waves playful at their bodies as they swam and soaked up the sun. Cas. He had done so much for Dean, too much. He didn’t deserve all Cas had done for him. Hell, he’d saved his life more than once, the thought send an ache deep into his gut. The last thing he wanted was for Cas to be here now, no matter how much he needed him to be. The guilt from keeping Cas in his life festered in his gut as he shuffled along the pavement. 

The beach was only a block away, so Dean stumbled towards the ocean, not caring to look behind him when a car pulled up beside him. 

“Dean!” Sam called to the stumbling man. “Dean, are you okay?!” He left the car running, but jumped to the sidewalk, stopping Dean’s walk to the beach, to the warm inviting arms of the pacific. He noticed the blood seeping into the fabric on his legs and grabbed his arm. “Dean! Look at me!” Finally, Dean’s eyes met those of his brothers. 

“I’m sorry Sammy.” His voice was a near-whisper. “You’ll be better off…” His sentence trailed off and he dropped his gaze to his hands. “I’m bleeding.” 

“Dean, what are you talking about? Come on, let’s go home.” Sam was gentle and understanding, more understanding than a little brother should have to be, Dean thought to himself. It had always been his job to look out for Sammy, and he was failing again. 

“Sam, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to take care of me.” Dean fell against his brothers arm and let himself be pulled to the passenger side, and helped in. 

“Don’t be, you’ve picked me up out of the gutter, it’s only right I do the same for you.” He shut the door and climbed in behind the wheel before continuing. “What a piece of work the Winchester boys are, huh?” He gave a weak smile, trying to lighten the mood, but Dean only stared at his scratched-up hands. 

He hadn’t wandered terribly far from home, and they made it back in fifteen minutes of silence. Finally pulling up to the apartment. “Jo and Cas have been worried sick,” 

“Cas?” Dean stared wide eyed at Sam. “You didn’t tell him, did you?” 

“Well, we called to see if he was with you…” Sam hesitated, “He’s at Anna’s though, I’m supposed to call when we get back.” Dean let out a breath of relief that Cas wouldn’t see him like this yet again. Sam half-carried his brother up the stairs, helping him to step up, his own arm supporting him by the waist. 

They eventually made it in, Sam dropping Dean onto his bed after avoiding Jo. Dean kicked off his boots and flopped face-first into his pillow. “Dean, are you gonna tell me what happened?” 

Dean groaned and mumbled a ‘no’, not bothering to look at his brother. 

“Dean… I won’t talk to him if you don’t want me to. Hell, I don’t even know if I want to. But I’m here to talk if you need to.” 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” 

“Besides you trying to drown yourself in booze after he called. You never told me what happened when you came here Dean. Just, talk to me.” 

“Can it wait until morning?” Dean slurred, pushing himself up onto his elbow and staring expectantly at Sam, waiting for him to leave. He was fucking trashed and definitely didn’t have the mental capacity to talk about whatever the hell Sam wanted him to. 

“Yea. Goodnight Dean.” He cast a last glance over his shoulder and Dean was asleep almost as soon as he shut the door. 

His dream came in blurred memories, ones Dean had long since tried to forget. Hands at his throat, unable to lift his hands to defend himself, a blinding pain in his stomach from being kicked. His mind had turned into his own personal hell for the night, luckily it would all be forgotten in the morning. Only the real memories able to get to him then. 

The night had gone pretty similarly to any other time things got to be too much for Dean, he zoned out and then promptly got shitfaced. Waking up the next morning with an all too familiar pounding in his head and his stomach twisting and churning. This flung him to his feet and into the bathroom, making it just in time to reach the toilet. Jo eventually peeked her head in when he finished, and squatted beside him, placing a glass of water on the floor and her hand on his shoulder. She only nodded before getting up and leaving. 

Sam had called Frank at the garage earlier to let him know dean wouldn’t be coming in today and also called the carpenters to tell them the same news. He’d picked up the greasiest burger he could find for Dean, no better cure for a hangover. 

“Thanks Sam.” Dean said through a mouthful of burger once his stomach had settled. “Don’t you have to be at work today?” 

“Not until later, working the evening to sort books. I called and let your people know you wouldn’t be in today either.” Sam shifted uncomfortably on the couch, as if waiting until the right moment to bring up their conversation from last night. 

“Say it.” Dean didn’t even look up from his meal, knowing what Sam wanted. 

“Do you want to talk about dad?” Sam fiddled with the remote, flipping the battery cover. 

“No. But I get the feeling that you do.” Dean swallowed the bite of burger, washing it down with a swig of water. “It’s not a big deal Sammy. I was drunk and he’s a mean son of a bitch, all there is to it.” 

“Dean…” Sam tried to coax more out of him, knowing that wasn’t the end of the story, but he didn’t push him. If it was enough to send Dean to California and a nonverbal episode, then it was enough for them to not speak to John.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry it took so long to write another chapter!! Writer's block is a bitch. Also, I'm posting this at 3 am the night after my b-day. Anyways, late birthday present from me to you lol.

By the next week, Sam found his answer. The reason John had kicked out his older brother. And it was wrapped up in his brother’s arms when he went in to wake them up for breakfast. 

Cas’s arms were tangled around Dean’s waist, and Dean’s wrapped tightly across his shoulders. The curtains spilling early morning summer sun across the both of them, neither knowing that Sam stood at the doorway. Quietly, he stepped back and closed the door. He felt stupid for not having seen if before, they’d been sharing a bed for the past year. When one of them disappeared or had to be taken home, it was always the other following behind them or taking them home. 

Dean, his older brother, the macho, pick a fight in an empty house, protecting him from John for all those years, Dean, was gay. Sam could hardly wrap his head around it. One half of him was thinking back to his girlfriends, all through high school and up until Lisa. Maybe he wasn’t gay, but Cas’s head nuzzled into his chest meant he at least liked men. Sam shook his head and flipped on the news, who Dean decided to be with, it was none of his business. It wasn’t a surprise John had thrown him out, then. 

John was less then forgiving when it came to people like that, Sam knew as much. He also knew that he had to let Dean come to him, though some helpful nudges couldn’t hurt. 

“Mornin’ Sammy.” Dean stretched as he walked into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. 

“How’d you and Cas sleep?” 

“Fine,” Dean hollered from the kitchen. “You?” he reentered the room with his of cup of coffee, plopping down on the sofa next to Sam. 

“Good, listen have you heard from Brady?” Brady hadn’t been around much, and he was as prone to over-doing it as Dean was. He’d been AWOL more often than not these days, which at least Dean was staying on top of it mostly, save for the day the boys’ father called. 

“Nah, what’s up with him?” 

“His folks called last night seeing if he was with me, I haven’t heard from him in like a week. He’s probably on a bender or some shit.” Sam shook his head, “He’s on his way to fucking up his spot at school though.” 

“Do you want help finding him?” Dean offered, taking a long sip from his cup. 

“I can handle it.” 

Dean fidgeted in his seat for a minute before settling on what to say, “Did you talk to John?” He kept his eyes trained in his cup though, swirling around the drink. 

“No. And I don’t think I will. I know how hard it would be for you,” This caught Dean’s attention and he was hanging onto his brother’s words, waiting for a reaction. Seeing if he really knew. “and he and I aren’t exactly on great terms either.” 

“Well, I’d get it if you did. I mean similar situation; he’s been through it too I guess.” 

“I don’t want to cope the way he did. I don’t want to reach out like I’m asking for his help for something he did shitty in the first place.” Sam pushed his hair out of the way and continued, “And you know, the offer still stands. For talking.” Dean only nodded, focusing his eyes on the weather as it flashed across the tv. 

“And Cas,” 

“What about Cas?” Dean said a little too quickly, his heart speeding up, but he didn’t meet his brother’s eyes. 

“I mean,” Sam tried his best to approach the conversation as gently as possible. “The guy practically lives here. And if he hadn’t mopped us both up off the floor, I’d say to start charging him rent.” He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, and ease Dean’s nerves. 

Dean let out a forced laugh, “Yea.” Dean noticed immediately that Sam was acting weird, hell, he practically raised the kid. What had he seen? It could be anything, Dean and Cas didn’t exactly go to great lengths to hide anything, and more often than not they reached out to each other subconsciously when they were all hanging out. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to be having this discussion with Sam, though Lisa took it fairly alright, given the circumstances. Dean tried to clear his mind, and got ready for work, his mind unable to be reined in. Before he left, he tied his shoes in his room, careful to stay out of line of sight before kissing Cas’s forehead and letting him know he was heading out. 

“You always have to work,” Cas whined, looping his arms behind Dean’s neck and kissing him. “We should go on a vacation and could lay in bed all day.” His eyes were full of stars as he looked at Dean. 

“You already do lay in bed all day.” He laughed, escaping Cas’s grasp and leaving. 

Work was as long as it was boring, though he only had a few weeks left of this until he could work completely for Dave’s Carpentry, where he’d been working for the past year and a half. Dean knew Frank would miss him picking up shifts, it meant their projects always got done on time, sometimes early. This had gained them a good reputation in town. He’d been working on cars for as long as he could remember, which he owed partially to his father. John was definitely a piece of shit father, but he taught Dean everything he knew about cars. 

All through work, Dean’s mind raced. Touching on every aspect of his life at the moment, not giving him a moment’s peace to do anything more than let his hands do the work for him. He overthought Sam’s discussion with him this morning, Cas’s suggestion to go on a trip, Brady being missing again, and Jo was homesick like nobody’s business. He’d be shocked if she didn’t visit home for a few weeks before classes started up again. He’d met her mother once when Jo moved in. Ellen was short and kind, but she was a no-nonsense woman. He reminded him a bit of a female Bobby. Dean reckoned she only helped Jo move in to make sure everything was kosher with Dean, even though the two had known each other for a few months before living together. After it all, Jo hadn’t been home since winter break. 

Finally, five o’ clock hit, and the men cleaned up their stations, wiping their brows and washing the grease and oil from their hands. Dean right along with them. 

That weekend, they all decided on a day at the beach. This was after Brady showed back up, of course, and Sam had decided to keep a closer eye on him now, trying to keep him out of trouble. Their group, it seemed, was built on addicts and academics. They were held together by sheer will and duct tape. And in an effort to keep Brady out of the deep end, Sam offered to stay with him for a week or two. ‘For the sake of getting out of Dean’s hair before heading back to school.’ That’s the excuse he used anyway. 

The summer sun was sweltering, shining through the windows of the car and across Castiel’s face. Hair beautifully windswept, and cheeks pink from sunburn. His eyes glittering in excitement for the beach. Their music flooded the car and flew out the open windows, Cas humming along to the ones he knew. Just like that, Dean knew for sure, he loved him. 

“Dean, say hi to the camera!” Jo pulled out her video camera and was filming the scenery outside, and the boys in the front seat. Catching how Dean looked at Cas the second before she spoke. 

“Ha-ha, no I’m trying to focus on the road!” Dean waved her away, making her roll her eyes. 

“Obviously, that’s why you’re paying attention to everything but he road.” This made a blush creep up the back of his neck, and a grin flick across Cas’s face. Sam was meeting them with Kev and Brady, and Anna would be bringing her roommate and her older brother. Cas explained. His name was Gabe, and he was kind of a black sheep, even more so than Cas. 

“He’s just graduated from SFSU, marine biology. He’s actually rather good at it, but he can be a bit much. I don’t doubt that Anna tried to convince him to go anywhere else, but he is pretty persuasive.” Cas described his cousin, and he sounded like he’d fit right in with them. 

The sun got hotter as it rose and as they pulled into the parking lot, Sam’s truck and Anna’s car already occupying spots. A minivan parked just across the way. As they gathered their things and headed toward the beach, they saw their friends lounged out on the sand, and Kevin and Gabe (Dean guessed it was him) tossing a frisbee. Jo made sure to capture this on her video camera, panning over to the rest of them on their towels, narrating what was going on. Behind her, Dean and Cas walked side by side, shoulders brushing lightly as they walked. 

“Hey little cos!” Gabe bounded up to the duo, throwing an arm around Cas and ruffling his hair. “Long time no see! It’s like you were avoiding me back in the city.” 

“Huh, wonder why.” Cas said sarcastically, earning him a pout in Gabe’s lip. He stood a few inches shorter than his younger cousin, brown hair pushed back out of his face and almost as long as Sam’s. His big brown eyes nearly gold in the sunlight as they moved from Cas to Dean. 

“And who’s your friend?” He perked a brow, and let his arm fall to hold a hand out to Dean. 

“I’m Dean, Winchester. Sammy’s older brother.” Dean eyed him before sticking his hand out in greeting too. “How come I haven’t seen you around before?” 

“Oh, if you know Annie and Cas they are much too stuck up to be slumming it with their dear ol’ cousin,” His sentence halted by an elbow to the ribs. “Jesus, joking! Anyway, eh, I had other shit to be doing. Now that I’m graduated, a ‘real adult’ I’ve wormed my way in.” Kevin called from across the beach and flung the frisbee, cutting their conversation short, thankfully. Dean wasn’t sure what the hell to talk to him about. 

“He’s kidding of course.” Cas mumbled to Dean, frowning at Gabe. 

“Obviously, you’ve stumbled home drunk and high with me, haven’t you?” He smirked and ducked away from a smack to the back of his head and jogged up to everyone else at the towels. “Hey guys! Not gettin’ into too much trouble without me are ya?” 

“Naw, Sammy here is busy being boring.” Brady jerked a thumb to where Sam drew his brows at the comment, an extremely boring book in hand: Law in History, First Edition. 

“Well, I gotta get back into the groove, classes are only a month and a half away.” Sam retorted, pulling his book back up. Jo had abandoned her camera in her bag, fishing out a sunscreen bottle and squirting some out before tossing it to Dean. 

“I see you met my brother,” Anna looked up from her towel, where she was tanning. “Sorry about him if he’s too much.” 

“Nah, he seems cool enough.” Dean shrugged, peeling off his t-shirt and lathering some sunscreen into his shoulders and nose before heading towards the tide. Cas stopped him before he could take a step, glancing at the rest of their friends before rubbing in a streak on Dean’s nose. His hand brushed gently against Dean’s cheek, nearly making him melt on the spot. His blue eyes soft as they caught Dean staring. 

The water was cool, as it always was, waves lapping at his calves before he dove in. Underwater was silent, the waves washing over Dean as he swam parallel to the coast. The fish darted carefully around him as he did so, watching out for his legs as they kicked through the water. When he pulled his face back up to the surface, the sun warmed his shoulders where the water left them cold. 

Looking back at his friends, he saw Gabe and Kevin settled down into the sand. Jo had her arm slung across her eyes as she dozed off, and Brady toed through the sand, drawing something. And there was Cas, lazily keeping an eye on Dean. His back arched as he propped himself up on his elbow. Dean couldn’t help but smile to himself at the scene, wishing he could’ve brought his polaroid with him to capture this, but knowing he probably would’ve dropped it into the water. Right as that thought dropped off, a wave pushed him face first into the water, splashing it into his mouth. 

“Hey Dean,” Sam sat at the edge of the water, legs being washed over with each wave. As Dean swam back to shore. 

“Hey?” He drew his brows together, water dripping from his hair. Dean let himself drop next to his brother, digging his toes into the sand as it shifted beneath the pull of the waves. 

“Ugh, I love it here.” Sam dropped to his back; hands locked behind his head. “I’m glad you came here Dean.” 

“Well, who could say no to a beach day, and it wasn’t like I had any other plans or anything.” Dean closed his eyes, red light shining from the sun. 

“No, I mean when you… left Kansas.” Sam watched Dean as he spoke, but Dean said nothing. “Really, I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Yea, me too.” He spoke softly, letting the words fall away into the breeze. And it was true. Coming to California had been the best decision he’d made, no matter what shit got thrown their way. “Thanks for keeping me around.” 

“What are brothers for?”


	26. Chapter 26

Fourth of July 1992 

In the mixture of young adults that littered the beach, Dean looped his arm around Cas’s shoulder. All of their friends were focused on the explosions of color in the sky. Dean held an empty can of beer loosely in his hand, watching the colors light up on Cas’s face. His body warm beneath his palm. He could hardly focus on the sky; Cas was proving to be much more distracting than he’d anticipated. 

Things had changed significantly since last year. Lisa was somewhere around here, choosing to remain friendly, but Dean knew she had been watching every interaction Dean had. This time last year, nearly to the minute, he’d had his arms wrapped around her. There had been overdoses, and drunken stupors, losing Jess, and gaining everything he had with Cas. Who stood warm against his own body, Dean could do nothing but smile softly at him, drinking in the moment like ambrosia. The waves crashed distantly, paling in comparison to the crashing of shimmering blues and reds above them. 

“Those ones are my favorites,” Cas leaned his head closer to Deans and pointed, not letting his eyes leave the golden chandeliered ones. “wow.” A captivated look filling his face and making him smile. 

“Mine too.” But Dean didn’t even look. This made Cas turn to face him, scrunching up his nose and starting to lean in before remembering where they were. Dean only nodded and squeezed Cas’s shoulder before heading back towards the coolers for another drink. 

The cool sand shifted under his steps, flicking back up to his calves where they were exposed, jeans rolled to the calf. He wished he had taken a photo of Cas under the fireworks, but some things were better captured in memory. 

“Hi Dean,” Lisa picked up her pace to fall in line with his. “How have you been?” She spoke in that knowing way that only people who knew what you looked like right when you wake up speak. 

“I’m…” He hesitated, hand hovering over the cooler. Things had been going great. He had a full-time job that was paying the bills and feeding a savings account, Sam was good, and Cas. Cas was great. “I’m actually really good.” Dean gave Lisa a small smile. “You?” 

“I’m glad you’re good, I’m proud of you Dean.” Lisa flicked a loose curl behind her shoulder. “And I’m good too.” She glanced quickly back at where his friends were gathered before returning her attention to Dean. “Are you seeing… them still?” She was careful to tread lightly on the subject, gauging his reaction before continuing. 

He froze a moment, flicking the coke tab with his thumb and careful to not look back to Cas. “Yea, I am. Are you seeing anyone?” 

“Few dates with a guy from Santa Barbara. It’s going well. Will I ever get to know your mystery person? They must be pretty hot shit to get your attention and be even better than me.” She let out a soft laugh. 

“Maybe one day. He treat you good?” 

“Of course. You know I can take care of myself.” Even though they had been broken up for a while, and detached for even longer, Dean still felt an obligation to look out for her. To make sure she was okay, self-sufficient without him. And she was right, she could definitely take care of herself. She could handle more than he gave her credit for. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re good Dean. You deserve it. And the offer still stands to talk to me if you ever want to.” She waved, walking back to her friends. Everyone was always offering to talk. 

Back in his own group, Sam and Brady were shoving each other around in light of the fireworks finally dying down. Sam seemed to be getting Brady back on track, for the most part. Their friends sure knew how to pick ‘em. 

As he walked back, Brady seemed to be making bold statements about swimming, earning him a chorus of ‘No’s’ from the whole group. 

The drive home was quiet, Sam nodding off in the back seat with Jo, who was fiddling around with her video camera. Looking to see if she got anything good of the fireworks. Dean felt the hum of the car under his hands, and Cas’s eyes wandering shamelessly along Dean’s body. He drove a little slower and took the long way, smirking at Cas, knowing Damn well what he was doing. 

When they finally pulled into the parking for their apartment, Dean was fighting Cas off with a laugh. They were trying to not be too loud as to alert Jo. She was tipsy, but she wasn’t blind. 

“Wakey wakey Sammy!” Dean smacked his little brother’s knee, making him jolt awake. 

“Fuck off.” Sam grumbled, running his hands through his long hair and barely opening his eyes the whole way in. Finally reaching the couch, Sam fell gracelessly, long legs barely fitting onto it. He had been bunking on their couch for months and gave up on finding a new place to live. After all, he’d be moving into a dorm at the start of August. 

Jo wasn’t far behind him, leaving her shoes and outer layers in a trail as she entered her room, pushing the door shut, and presumably flopping into bed. 

Dean and Cas, in wake of their newfound solitude, hurried off into their bedroom. Dean had been teasing and riling Cas up for the past thirty minutes, and had taken great joy in it, much to Cas’s despair. He waited no longer than the door was closed to press his mouth to Dean’s, pushing him against the bedroom door. Dean smiled into the frantic touches, pulling Cas tightly against himself. His own hands making their way under Cas’s shirt, separating their lips just long enough to pull it off. Cas helped him out of his shirt, wasting no time to kiss his neck and chest, pulling at Dean’s fly. 

“You play dirty.” Cas grumbled, biting at Dean’s neck. 

“’m not the only one.” Dean smiled and wiggled out of his pants. Cas had him pinned to the door, leaving his hands to fall around Cas’s neck, resting his thumbs at his jaw. “Wait.” Cas pulled away, hands planted at Dean’s waist. Waiting for him. 

“What is it?” Dean smiled dopily and pulled him in for a kiss. 

“You’re so pretty.” Cas shook his head, suppressing a smile by resuming his task of kissing every inch of Dean he could reach. Finally pulling Dean away from the door and towards the bed, Cas never let his hands leave him. 

Dean grabbed at his ass as Cas settled his hips against Dean’s. Grinding forward, stealing the breath from Dean’s lungs, Cas kissed him. The night was quiet around them, and Dean bit at his lip, smothering any sound from escaping. He pulled at Cas’s hips, flush against his own, dragging himself against him. 

“Cas-” Dean groaned, breath heavy against Cas’s neck. “Pl… please.” With that, Cas sat back before dropping his head to his thighs. Leaving a trail of bites, he took Dean into his hand, thumbing gently before taking him into his mouth. “C- fuck-” Dean started, but Cas put a hand over his mouth. Not letting any sound escape and feeling Dean’s breathing deepen as he went faster. Before long, Dean began fucking into his mouth, desperate. Holding him down by his hips with his free arm, Cas watched Dean’s breath catch before he finished. Cas swallowed and pulled his hand from Dean’s mouth, moving hands to Dean’s hips, thumbing circles into them and kissing his belly. 

He pulled Dean into his lap, letting their breathing calm down. Dean got him off too, kissing at his neck and jaw and letting Cas’s head drop to his shoulder. They sat like that for a time, letting his hands wander up Cas’s chest and to his jaw. Dean saw those eyes, the sky blue lit only by the streetlight seeping through the blinds. His Cas. Dean kissed him gently. For what had to be the millionth time that year, Dean wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else in the world. Such a feeling came easily and often when he was with Cas. He supposed that no one had meant so much to him. 

They fell asleep in each other’s arms, Cas’s face nuzzled against his chest. His breath warm and steady as Dean drifted off. 

They woke sleepily to the warmth of a Sunday morning creeping through the cracked window. Cas pulled away slowly, stretching his legs from underneath the thin sheets. He kissed Dean once he woke. 

“Good morning.” Cas mumbled against his lips. 

“Morning, babe.” He pulled Cas closer as a breeze sent a chill up his back. “Why don’t you stay here?” 

“I’m not getting up anytime soon,” Cas chuckled. 

“No,” He pulled back slightly to see Cas properly. “I mean, stay with me. Like when you’re not at school.” 

Cas bit his lip and nodded, laughing. “What do you think I’ve been doing?” He paused for a moment, looking into Dean’s eyes. “Like move in?” 

“Sure, why not?” Dean tried to hide the nervousness by tracing a finger along Cas’s arm. 

Cas planted a kiss on Dean’s lips, “I don’t see why not, but what about Sam? Or Jo?” 

“I don’t know… Have you told anyone? About you? Or us?” 

“Anna knows I’m gay…” Cas rolled to his back, out of Dean’s arms, and laced his fingers behind his neck. “My family does. An older brother made sure of that. I moved in with my aunt… Anna’s side of the family. I was sixteen.” He said it like he was dropping the weight of it off his shoulders. After a year of knowing Cas, not once had he mentioned his family beyond Anna and Gabriel. Unsure of what to say, he reached out for Cas’s hand. 

Cas continued, threading his finders with Dean’s. “We never talked about it. But my family is Catholic, and apparently, unforgiving.” 

“My Dad too.” Dean closed his eyes, willing away certain memories. “He gave me hell, growing up. That certainly didn’t help. Family huh?” 

“Family.” Cas nodded. 

Later that week, while Cas was visiting with Anna, and Jo was at work, the opportunity presented itself. Dean sat on the couch, anxiety churning in his stomach. Picking at his nails, Dean braced himself to talk to Sam. 

“Dean. You’re making me nervous.” He sat at the table, breakfast and a book that he didn’t look up from. 

“Sorry. Did you mean it… When you said you said you wanted to talk?” 

This caught Sam’s attention, and he looked up, setting his book down gently. “Yes, how come?” 

“I just… You never got the full story. I showed up on your front step, I never got to apologize for coming to you for that.” Dean took a deep breath. 

“You don’t have to apologize for that Dean.” 

“Listen, you know Dad was a mean bastard… but it was different after you left. And then he kicked me out.” 

“Yea…” Sam had been waiting for Dean, and now he was talking. Though he was a bundle of nerves on the couch. 

“I stumbled home drunk, and we fought. Because of a lot of things, hell, everything. But… um…” He ran a hand over his face. “Fuck. It was because of Benny. Me and Benny.” He spit it out finally. 

“Okay.” Dean wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. 

“Huh? Okay?” He stared at Sam, “I’m sayin’ I'm a queer Sam.” Sam honest to god nearly said ‘yes, we are all well aware. You have been all over Cas for months.’ But he didn’t. 

“That’s okay, Dean. It’s not a bad thing.” He stood up and pulled Dean into a hug, dumbfounding him. “You’re okay now.” Okay. Dean was okay, he was safe. 

“I- you... thanks.” He choked out, tears pricking his eyes. Here his little brother was, comforting him about this, when Dean was hardly sober enough to help him after Jess. “You don’t seem all that surprised.” He said dumbly. 

Sam stifled a laugh, pulling away. “Guess not.”


	27. Chapter 27

Since the first call that John paid to his younger son, he had called twice more. One of which while Dean was at work, and the other at home. He sat on the couch, watching a movie with Jo, Cas, and Sam. When the phone rang, Dean tensed up and kept his face forward, not even risking a glance towards the phone. Thankfully, Sam jumped up from his spot on the floor and silenced it. Dean could feel Cas looking at him and turning his head, in an ‘are you okay’ way. 

That night, Dean slept fitfully. Tossing and turning, tangling the sheets in his legs, not even the warmth of having Cas beside him let him sleep. He dreamed of John that night, the first time in a while. Dean got the feeling that Sam probably wanted to speak with their father, but if he had, he didn’t tell Dean. He hated being babied about John, no one in the apartment would speak about the calls, about John at all. Except for Cas, who always checked in with Dean to make sure he was okay, pressing a warm hand to the small of his back and pulling him into his arms in the dead of night. 

They had all been making plans for when the semester started, which was now only three weeks away as they entered August. 

“I’ll be staying in the dorms on-campus.” Sam spoke up from where his nose was in the pamphlet. “They have a base price one that’s covered by my scholarship.” 

“That’s good, finally get you out of my hair.” Dean flipped through the papers that covered the kitchen table. Notebooks of classes, prices, pamphlets of offers, immunization records, the works. “Christ, I don’t remember filling out this much shit when I went.” 

“You only went part-time. And this stack is just scholarships I need to finish up with.” Sam motioned to a stack that threatened to fall onto the floor. 

“I’ll be on campus this year too, just the fall semester though.” Cas spoke up from the living room floor, where he was surrounded by papers of his own. “I’ll still visit though; I know you guys can’t live without me.” He laughed, ignoring Dean as he swatted at him as he slumped onto the couch. Thankfully, his classes had finished in the spring, he didn’t have to worry about applications or anything. 

“Hey! Has anyone seen my housing app?” Jo called from her room, sounds of paper rustling and her cursing from inside. 

“Yea,” Sam pulled it out from under his own, “I’ve got it!” 

She ran out and grabbed it, setting it in her room. She tied her hair back and pulled on her shoes. “I’m gonna be late.” 

“I thought you didn’t work today?” Dean said, flipping through channels. 

“Got called in earlier, completely forgot about it. Shit.” The boys waved as she left, returning to their tasks. 

Dean finally decided that nothing good was on and settled on pestering Cas for entertainment. He quietly licked his finger, moving quickly to get Cas in the ear. 

“What the fuck?!” Cas jerked out of reach, rubbing his ear on his sleeve. “Dean, you asshole!” He jumped around and smacked him in the head, fighting Dean who was snickering and trying to keep him away. 

Sam watched from his place at the table, seeing the two boys’ bicker and playfight, Dean trying (and failing) to keep Cas at arm’s length. “God get a room.” Sam said, rolling his eyes. 

This earned him a glare from Dean and Cas’s eyes widened, backing away from Dean. “You… I…” Dean stuttered, Cas filling his lack of eloquence. 

“You know?” 

“Of course I knew, I’m not blind.” Sam crossed his arms across his chest, proud of himself. “You two have been sharing a bed for the better half of a year, you’re joined at the hip.” He said simply. 

“Guess that means I can do this then.” Dean spoke up, grabbing a wide-eyed Cas and kissing him with tongue. 

“Aw gross, that doesn’t mean have to make out in front of me.” Sam groaned at Dean, shielding his eyes. This made him back off, pushing Cas back to the floor for his schoolwork, and swiping a hand across his mouth. 

“Sorry Sammy.” Dean smirked, winking at his brother. His unease at Sam knowing about him dimmed but didn’t disappear. They sat in quiet the rest of the evening, letting it bleed into night. Eventually the near-finished applications and paperwork was abandoned for a movie when Jo walked back in. 

“Hi guys.” She said, dropping her bag by the door and slumping onto the empty space on the couch. “What’s on tonight?” 

“Jaws.” Cas said. Dean’s arm was slung behind him on the couch, this sent Jo into the kitchen to speak with Sam, who was making popcorn. 

“Sam!” She whisper-shouted. “Cas and Dean?” 

“Yes.” He grabbed the bag lightly, wincing at the heat and tossing it onto the counter. 

“About time!” 

“Apparently, not just now.” He looked at Jo knowingly. “For a while.” 

“Damn sneaks. Who won the bet?” She threw a glance over her shoulder to make sure the other two couldn’t hear the conversation going on in the kitchen. 

“Anna.” Sam frowned, “I knew she’d win, I should’ve guessed before spring break.” He shook his head, and ripped open the popcorn bag, dumping it into a large bowl. 

“I knew it happened already.” Jo mumbled to herself, walking back into the living room. Jo, Anna, and Sam had a bet going about when the couple would or did get together. Swearing to never let Dean know, he’d be pissed. 

“Hey Cas?” Dean walked into the kitchen behind him at the sink, wrapping his arms around Cas’s waist. 

Cas hummed a yea. They had the apartment all to themselves for the Saturday, Sam was busy with a reentrance interview and Jo at work, then out with friends. Dean kissed his shoulder before setting his chin on it, watching Cas wash the dishes. 

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Dean smiled cheekily. 

“Was I not already?” Cas asked, turning around to face Dean, whose hands were tangled in the front of his shirt. 

“Officially, no.” Cas perked a brow and leaned back against the counter. “We don’t have an anniversary or anything…” He looked anywhere but Cas’s face, which was glowing with a smile, eyes marveling at the man in front of him. Dean’s dirty blonde hair finally starting to grow out, going every which way from spending the morning in bed. His arms tanned from working outside, making his freckles pop even more than usual. 

“I love you.” Cas said dreamily, laughing at how flustered his words made Dean. Who pulled him in by the shirt and kissed him firmly, only pulling away an inch to say: 

“I love you too.” And he meant it. Dean kissed him again before continuing. “Well babe, do you wanna go to the beach? We can pack a picnic.” 

“I’d love to.” The two packed a couple sandwiches and grabbed some cokes, tossing a bag of chips and Dean’s polaroid into a duffel. They changed, Cas trying to keep Dean on track, instead of letting him feel him up while he changed. “Come on, we gotta get a good spot.” 

Finally, they were in the car, Cas sitting shotgun. Like usual, the windows were down, allowing the wind to have its way with their hair. Cas’s longer now than it had been since he was a teenager. Dean couldn’t help but watch him as the sun danced spottily through the clouds onto his skin. The sun kissed skin glittering near as much as his eyes, which were focused on the clouds above them. They rolled on quickly, sun becoming more spotted as they drove. 

“It’s going to rain.” Cas said, watching the shapes that appeared and moved in the wind. 

“Then we’ll let it.” Dean glanced upwards, “We could use some, been pretty dry lately.” 

Finally, they pulled into the gravel parking spot, talking and unloading their things to eat before getting rained out. Most of the other people there had started to leave, recognizing the end of their sun filled morning. The two sat just beyond where the coast met sand, pulling out the food. 

“I love the smell of rain.” Cas said as they laid out their towels. “Reminds me of when I was a kid.” 

“I’ll bet, it doesn’t rain here near as often as Seattle does it?” Dean said through a mouth of sandwich, watching Cas draw in the sand. 

“Nope, crazy how much you can miss it.” Cas swiped a hand over his doodle, erasing it. The beach had emptied except for them, a family further down the beach, and a group of friends goofing off in the shallow water. 

Looking at Cas, Dean decided he fit the background and snapped a polaroid. His dark hair and tanned skin, blue eyes, paralleled the darkening ocean and clouds where peeks of sky blue drifted behind. “Pretty boy.” Dean said under his breath. 

“You know, you say that an awful lot.” Cas rolled his eyes, “You’re pretty easy on the eyes yourself.” He laughed, hooking a hand behind Dean’s neck and kissing him softly. 

“Do you miss them? Your family, I mean.” Dean said, shaking the photo. 

“All the time. Family is hard though.” The wind picked up slightly, pulling them to the sea before it started pouring. “I’m glad I have you.” Cas splashed water Dean’s way, smiling. 

“Not for long if you keep that up!” Dean called, splashing him back and ducking underwater to avoid another splash to the face. The water was chilly, sending goosebumps up his arms and legs. When he reemerged Cas aimed a splash directly for his face. “Aw what the h-” He was stopped short by a kiss. 

“You taste like the ocean.” Cas grinned. 

“I wonder whose fault that is.” Dean pulled him in, drowning out the sounds of the group of friends yelling and laughing to each other as they fled the beach, the rain had started up now. Large drops splashed into the water around them, grey clouds blowing above them. “We should get back to the beach.” Dean kissed him once more before racing him to the towels, beating him and kicking up sand in every direction. 

Cas grabbed him by the wrist and spun him around in the rain. “You cheater!” Dean bit back a smile and pulled Cas into his arms. His dark hair wet and pushed away from his face, eyes playful. 

“I love you.” He said, swaying with Cas as though dancing. 

“I know.” Cas said with a grin. Suddenly, his face lit up and he grabbed Dean’s hips, leading him in a dance. The rain fell around them, glimmering the grey that surrounded them as they danced and laughed. Before long, Dean’s arms were hooked around Cas’s neck and they were connected by the lips. Beach long since abandoned in light of the rain. In one movement, Cas slipped, sending them both into the sand, covering their rain soaked skin in sand. 

“Hey!” Dean pushed himself up, straddling Cas. “What was that for! Oh, hey, this is a nice view.” 

“Oh, shut up.” Cas frowned, pushing on Dean’s chest to let him up. 

“I rather think I’m enjoying it actually.” Dean stayed put, not getting off of Cas’s hips. A smirk grew on his face as he ducked down, kissing at Cas’s collarbones. 

“Not here Dean.” Cas sighed into his touches, one of Dean’s hands planted in the sand next to his head, and the other on Cas’s stomach. 

“Why not?” Dean mumbled into a kiss, he glanced around at the empty beach. Rain rolling off of his back. “No one would see.” 

“We’re covered in sand!” He laughed. 

“Eh.” Dean bit at Cas’s neck, kissing down to his chest and letting his hand fall to Cas’s swim trunks. No one was there to see but the sky and the sea as Dean’s hands grabbed hungrily at Cas’s body. He ground his own hips down into Cas’s in a way that made the dark haired man groan. 

“Fuck.” Cas flopped his head back. 

“Only if you want to babe.” Dean smirked, making Cas shove him back onto his ass. 

“Idiot. We’re in public.” Cas’s knee landed between Dean’s thighs and he looked into those green eyes. 

“So, what are you gonna do about it?” Dean’s eyes were teasing, and a light of excitement flashed behind them as Cas pulled his face in to kiss him, grabbing his wrist and pulling him up. Cas scooped up his towel and wiped at the wet sand that covered his body, leaving Dean standing confused before he sighed and started gathering their things. 

“Come on.” Cas grumbled as Dean wiped the sand of himself. He tossed the bag onto his shoulder and grabbed Dean’s wrist, pulling him back to the car. “You play dirty. You know that?” 

“I’ve been told…” Dean allowed himself to be pulled towards the car and pushed into the back seat as Cas dropped their bag into the trunk. Their towels abandoned on the floorboard as Cas climbed in after him. Dean perked a brow at Cas as his face hovered above Dean’s. “Are you-” But his words were silenced by Cas’s lips, and his tongue and teeth biting at Dean’s bottom lip. Cas’s knee sat between Dean’s thigh, rubbing and grinding. 

“Is this what you had in mind?” Cas breathed, voice deep and scratchy against Dean’s neck. Their breathing came heavy, filling the car with hot air. 

Dean could only nod, the friction building and hitting the tension in his gut just right. His hands traveled up Cas’s sides, pulling him against Dean. He raised his head and pulled Cas down by the back of his neck to kiss him passionately. Cas helped him wiggle out of his swim trunks, and then pulled his own off, making Dean groan at the drag of Cas against him. The pelting of rain against the windshield gave a steady rhythm that Cas worked to, gently he entered him. Letting Dean relax before going any further. His hand pulled at Dean slowly, watching him shudder under his touch. “Cas- C- fuck,” was all Dean could get out. 

“Are you okay?” Cas asked, pulling his face away from Dean’s to see his response. Dean nodded, dropping his head back, and pulling Cas with to kiss him deeply. With the okay, Cas moved slowly, pulling himself nearly all the way out before pushing back in. Hitting exactly where he needed to for Dean’s breath to hitch in his throat, making him let out a strangled groan. With the fluidity of the ocean, not fifty yards away, Cas rolled his hips forward and back, enjoying the view of Dean below him, his chest rising and falling deeply and shakily. Dean had picked this fight, and he had sure gotten what he asked for. Hands wandering through Cas’s hair ad he worked, Dean tried to hold out at least as long as his boyfriend. Sand still littered their skin and they smelled of sea salt and sweat, Dean nosed at Cas’s neck, kissing and leaving hickeys that could be hidden beneath a t-shirt. 

Finally, the tension built up the heat gathering in their lower stomachs, and they both came with a final stroke. “Fuck.” Dean said breathlessly, stomach still pulling forward. And Cas caught his weight with his elbow beside Dean’s head, where he kissed him. Pulling out, Cas ignored Dean biting back a gasp. 

Using the beach towels, they cleaned themselves up, kissing gently at wherever they could reach of each other. They both redressed in their appropriate swimsuits and climbed into the front seat. Dean sat uncomfortably in the passenger seat, watching Cas turn on the car and flick the wipers on. 

“What?” Cas caught Dean staring, his hair still spiked up in a weird way, so he ran his fingers through it, resting his hand at the base of Dean’s neck. 

“I love you.” Dean smiled into the kiss. 

“I love you too.” Cas mumbled against his lips, tasting the salt before backing out of their parking spots and driving off.


	28. Chapter 28

It was a slow Friday at work, they had been working on a new housing development just outside of town, and it had been going smoothly. The other group of carpenters that had also been contracted for the development had fit nearly seamlessly with them, and Dean would swear up and down that he’d caught one of them checking him out before. 

“Hey Dean!” Alan jogged up beside Dean, where he was piling their tools back into the truck. 

“Hey man, what’s up?” Dean wiped at the sweat on his brow, blinking against the bright summer sun. “You guys finish with the foundations on your house?” Dave’s crew had been split up into quarters for this project, each team taking on a house for the moment. 

“Oh yea, got that shit all done for. Fuckin’ hate laying cement.” Alan shook his head and wiped at the beads of sweat that lined his own forehead. He was a man in his forties, hair greying at the front. “Got any fun plans this weekend?” Alan lived for hearing of Dean’s plans, as his own usually included being bitched at by his wife and being dragged to a soccer game at seven AM on a Saturday. 

“Yea, actually. Goin’ out with friends tonight. Last hurrah before they go back to school.” He sat against the tailgate, watching the rest of the men gather their things for the close of the week. “You know me, planning on a hangover in the morning.” Dean grinned, waggling his eyebrows at his friend. 

“Whatever happened to your girl?” Alan leaned against the truck, taking a swig from a paper cup. “Still bitchin’?” 

“Naw, cut that off months ago.” Dean shrugged, “Bigger and better things.” 

“Well, if I were you, I’d be on the prowl tonight. Ah youth…” He trailed off, remembering the days where he’d go off to a frat party of a college he didn’t even attend. 

Dean just rolled his eyes and waved goodbye, settling into the quiet of his car for a moment. He pulled out his wallet and flipped through the couple of photos he kept behind his ID, one of which was the one from his birthday. The one where Cas was smiling lazily up at him, how the sun shined over them and how Dean swore to never forget it. Dean smiled to himself and started the car, driving the twenty minutes back home. 

The sun shone brightly in the evening sky, not yet dousing the coast with a golden sunset. Dean tapped his hands against the steering wheel to his Zeppelin disk, soaking up the quiet before tonight. 

When he got home, he showered under the cool water and fell into bed, ignoring Sam’s chatter about someone from the library nearly knocking over a whole shelf. Dean figured Sam’d quit not long after classes started up, so he wouldn’t overwork himself. If he was honest, Dean was worried about the stress of school on his brother. Hoping that it wouldn’t be too much and push him back to the ledge. It was law school after all, but he’d be stupid to not take advantage of a full ride, to Stanford no less. 

He dreamed of following a dog through the back yard of his childhood home and into the shadowy woods. The dog would look back occasionally to check and make sure he was following, Dean’s feet shrinking with his height as he climbed further into the underbrush until he was no bigger than five. Behind him, he heard the familiar bark of John’s voice, which startled him awake. After his much-needed nap, Dean laid in bed, just watching the shadows rise in his room as the sun set. 

“Dean?” Sam knocked before pushing his head in the crack of the door. “Oh good, you’re awake. Jo’s getting ready. You still coming with?” 

“Hell yea, I’m not missing what could be the last party before you nerds go back to school.” Dean rolled out of bed and pulled up a crumpled pair of jeans from the floor. “Everyone else meeting us?” 

“Yup.” Sam said, leaving Dean to get dressed and comb his fingers through his hair. As it was pushed up in an awkward way, after sleeping on it wet. 

“Jo, let me in!” Dean pounded on the bathroom door, Sam watching amusedly from the kitchen table where he was gathering up his notes to toss into his bag. 

Her voice was muffled from behind the door, “Alright, don’t get your panties in a twist!” Finally, she exited, hair curled at her shoulders as Dean shoved past to use the bathroom. “Remind me to never live with boys again!” She frowned at Sam. 

“Aw, come on Jo, you love us!” He threw an arm around her and gave her a quick hug, which she quickly shrugged off. 

“You’re lucky I tolerate you people.” She grumbled, heading back into her room. 

Finally, the trio were ready to leave, tossing the keys to Sam as they walked out and down the rickety steps. It was a miracle they were still standing. The sun had dipped below the horizon, letting the city fall into its nighttime groove, streetlights flicking on slowly. 

“How’s Brady doing?” Jo asked, buckling up in the passenger seat. 

“He seems a bit better,” Sam sighed. “I’m worried about him blowing his scholarship before he can get his shit together. He worked his ass off for the first year but, I don’t know.” He put his hand on Jo’s chair to turn behind him, backing onto the street. 

“He’ll be okay, don’t worry.” Dean spoke up from the back, reaching up to turn the music up and slumping back into his seat. The loud music ended the discussion, leaving each of them to their own thoughts. Dean distantly heard the music and the two in the front seat singing along, but his eyes flicked quickly over the city as they drove. The streetlights buzzing past. Quickly the voices dimmed in the front seats, replaced with old radio and Sam is seated beside him. His head leaned against the window, looking how he did when he was little. Finally, they pulled onto the curb, shaking Dean from the dream-like memory. Music spilled out the front door as the trio walked in, lights and shouting from a few delinquents who rolled down the steps, laughing the whole way. Dean jumped out of the way as they landed at his feet. 

“I’m gonna go find a drink!” Jo called over the thundering music and snuck into the crowd, weaving through the people dancing. A party hadn’t gone this big since… new year's probably. Dean turned to Sam, only to see him duck into the crowd too, leaving him at the doorway. 

Dean ran a hand through his hair and looked over heads to look for Cas, a mess of dark hair anywhere along the sides of rooms. He entered the living room and kept an eye out for Cas, who was nowhere to be found. After looking through most of the downstairs, Dean gave up. Deciding to get roaringly trashed. Scootching past a girl who grabbed his upper arm, trying to get him to dance with her, grabbing a cup nearby, he downed the whole thing in one go. 

No matter how often Dean claimed to only like classic rock, he could always be found dancing to top 100 in a house party. Especially while inebriated. The five shots of something purple he dared not ask the name of, slushed around in his barren stomach, which was bound to be a recipe for disaster. The brunette who’d tried to pull him into the dense of dancing twenty-somethings, had roped him in somewhere after shot three. He was only having a bit of fun, keeping her an arms distance away at all times. He may be drunk, but he knew she was no Cas. Who still had yet to appear. 

Anna had shown her face too, pulling him aside to say something he didn’t hear. The music far too loud, and his head fuzzy with alcohol. Dean could hardly stay focused on what she was saying long enough to hear her say ‘something something Cas’. The name buzzed excitedly through his head as she walked off. 

“Dean!” A guy walked up to him and grabbed him by the elbow, leaning in. “Hey man. How you doin’?” Dean racked his scattered mind to place a name to this face but came up empty handed. 

“Hi.” 

“Haven’t seen you around, finding someone to replace me at the party scene?” The man asked, smile joking but his eyes serious. “Come with me.” He said, more of a command than anything else. Dean went right along with him, following the guy through the kitchen, to a quieter corner of the party. “Can I get you a fix?” Suddenly, the gears clicked in Dean’s brain. He’d met the stranger last year, at a party, buying. His name was Adam, Dean was almost sure of it, his squirrely appearance enough to get him overlooked but that look in his eyes, put Dean on edge. 

He nodded, “Yea.” Dean fumbled for his wallet and pulled out twenty-five, glancing around before taking two of the little white pills, stowing the other two in his pocket. 

“Catch you later, Dean.” And just like that he shrugged off into the crowd, leaving Dean at the edge of the party. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Sam’s lanky ass talking to… a girl? The lights flashing around them all, Dean made his way over to his little brother. 

“Hiya Sammy.” He shot him a prizewinning grin, his appearance nearly making Sam jump. 

“Just Sam.” He frowned, awkwardly waiting for Dean to say something or leave. His older brother picked up on this and winked at the brunette, it had been a long time since Sam had been talking to any girl and Dean was not about to interrupt that. If anyone deserved a break it was Sam. Another glass of burning liquor in, Dean saw him. Or thought he did, at least. A mess of brown curls from across the room, and Dean wandered back into the packed living room like a moth to a flame. Everyone else must have had the same idea to be here, one last kick of fun before returning to school. And right as he caught up to Cas, the molly kicked in. 

“Cas!” He spoke loudly over the music, pulling him in by the arms. “Where were you?” He slurred, uncareful with his words. 

“Sorry, I was handling something. It seems like you started off strong without me though!” He laughed, noticing Dean’s drunkenness. Cas picked up a shot off the table, “I guess I’ll have to catch up.” And knocked it back smoothly, not even wincing at the bitter taste. The room blurred everywhere that Cas was not, the mob of people moving constantly casting colorful shadows that stretched along the floor. 

“I was lookin’ for you forever.” Dean complained, pulling Cas closer by the bottom of his shirt. He cocked his head to get a better look at Cas’s face as he took another swig of something he’d picked up. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas breathed over Dean’s neck as he whispered in his ear. Sending a shiver down his back. “Won’t let it happen again.” A smirk playful on his lips. The noise in the room was muffled over Dean’s ears, only hearing the echo of Cas’s words, his voice. It didn’t take Cas long at all to catch up to Dean, drinking whatever he could get his hands on. If Dean hadn’t been so intoxicated, he’d ask about where he was, and what was wrong. 

“Cas, you look good.” Dean mumbled into his neck, “Your skin,” He ghosted at Cas’s arms. “your eyes.” He sighed resting his hands at Cas’s temples, who was starting to stumble into a drunkenness, watching Dean’s eyes roll over his body. Not noticing the other college kids in the room, most dancing to the music that fluttered around the kaleidoscopic walls. Trusting his feet to move without him, Dean swayed to the song, lightly tugging at Cas’s shirt. “Dance with me?” 

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Cas slurred, grabbing Dean’s elbows and twisting with him to the sounds that reverberated inside his head, the eggshell walls appearing pink and orange under the lights. “Where’s Sam?” Leaning in, Cas’s eyes illuminated the room in blue. The color leaking into a puddle on the floor, threatening to make them slip. The temperature of the room rose steadily with Dean’s, beads of sweat forming at his forehead, but he hardly noticed. The ceilings crept slowly upwards, in a strangely familiar way, seeming to rise slowly. Letting the room spin slightly. “Are you okay?” Dean focused back on Cas’s face, which was now mere inches away. 

“Want to get… away for a minute?” Dean’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, which felt far too dry. Cas nodded and let Dean lead him away, as they headed back to one of the rear bedrooms, Dean saw someone familiar out of the corner of his eye. Someone who looked a little like… huh, he shifted his gaze back to Cas. Dean walked backwards into the bedroom, pulling Cas in after him. They stumbled and fell onto the carpet, kicking the door closed behind them. Cas falling nearly on top of him. The bedroom walls bright turquoise and assaulting Dean in their vibrancy. He shook his head and looked at Cas, face looming over him, pulling him down to meet their lips. 

The room was warm, too warm. But Dean ignored it, instead focusing on Cas. He pushed Cas onto his ass, kneeling in front of him and pulling him in desperately by the collar of his t-shirt. Connecting their lips and drinking him in. Dean moved a hand to his waist, tangling the other in the crook of Cas’s neck, feeling the soft hair there. Kissing from his mouth to neck, softly landing his lips at his jaw along the way. Quickly, he lost track of where his body ended and where Cas and the room began. The heat swelling and smothering him, making him push Cas away and crawl backwards, trying to escape the heat and his heartbeat, which was pounding angrily in his chest and ears. 

“Dean?” Cas reached out, but a knock at the door sent him into a panic, scrambling to his feet as his fight or flight kicked on. The heat smothering him like the flames did his mother, and his heartbeat drumming loudly in his ears.


	29. Chapter 29

Dean had pushed Cas away because of the heat and his heart pounding out of his chest, and then there was John, like a figment of his imagination. Why was he there? He couldn’t have been. His face had tangled and twisted, as though it couldn’t remember how it was supposed to look. But Dean couldn’t forget. The room had been sucked clean of air, leaving Dean gasping for breath. And he still was, even as he tumbled out into the cold air of night. The breaths coming ragged and catching in his throat. Still, he persisted, running further from the party. 

“Take Sammy and run, now Dean!” John yelled, Dean was running, but where was Sammy? Dean looked around, searching for his little brother, but he had left him inside. He’d left his baby brother in the house with the flames. 

The grass beneath him was wet and cool with nighttime, the land swaying dangerously beneath Dean’s feet as he ran. Moon watching silently over the boy as he stumbled across the grass. His mind filled with the image of John in the doorway staring at him with that unforgiving glare. The turquoise walls suffocating the breath out of his lungs like the hottest part of a flame. Maybe he didn’t even remember the fire, maybe he’d made up the feeling with his imagination as he got older, imagining the burning, the smell of charred drywall and flesh, the sounds of his mother crying out. All he knew is that it was all too much. John. John was there. He was looming in the doorway of the bedroom. His face pulled into a scowl, not unlike how it seemed growing up. 

“You have one job, watch out for Sammy.” His whole life, only one job, one purpose and he always blew it. He blew it as a child and had continued the tradition into adulthood. He had brought pain to Sam, making him care for him, killing Jess, not being there for him, not stopping him from turning to drugs. He hadn’t been able to keep Sam safe, and Dean knew how disappointed and angry John would be at him for it. If he bothered to talk to his older boy. 

The night was chilly, calming the burning sensation that had covered his skin. But the dark sky above him spun, making him dizzy. The stars shone too brightly and flitted around like lightning bugs. ‘Where’s Cas?’ Dean blinked furiously trying to place his surroundings. Nothing familiar presented itself, causing another wave of panic into his bloodstream and sending him to the side of a house, leaning against the brick. He pawed at his neck, trying to pry his father’s hands from it. Pulling and scratching to escape, but there was nothing to escape, John was 1800 miles away. Distantly, Dean heard his name being called before his vision went white. The faint buzzing constant in his head. 

“I ain’t havin’ a faggot son, you get the hell out and stay gone.” And he did. 

“Dean!?” Cas pushed past some drunk college kids, mumbling an apology to them as he dragged himself after Dean. Who had booked it when a head poked in their room, his face panicked and body shaking terribly. A few of the students on the porch stared as Cas stumbled out the front door, looking around wildly. The guy at the bedroom door had apologized for intruding, but Cas didn’t even hear him, too focused on where Dean had disappeared to. Cas tried to steady himself as he ran through the yard, which twisted and writhed angrily under his drunken steps. Sam following behind him after seeing him follow a barely upright Dean out of the party. 

“I think he went that way!” One of the chain-smokers on the porch offered, pointing into a neighbor’s lawn. 

Cas didn’t say anything back. 

“Dean?” The wet grass itched at his ankles as he crept forward, peering around the corner to find Dean backed against the wall. “Dean!” 

He looked more like a child now than Cas had ever seen him look before, his soft hair raised wildly all over his head, frame seeming smaller now as he was slumped against the brick, but his eyes. Seeing them nearly broke Cas’s heart. The green was clouded with fear, and he was blinking frantically. 

“Dean?” Cas said, barely a whisper. “What’s wrong?” His brain was trying to connect the dots and his body moved on its own reaching out to Dean but stopped by him flinching away. “Dean…” He pleaded, “It’s Cas, Dean it’s me. Please.” 

From behind him, Sam jogged up. “What’s going on? What’d you do?” His voice accusatory, seeing Dean defensive and Cas’s hand reached out to him. 

“He’s… I don’t know… Sam help him, please.” Cas fell to his knees beside his boyfriend, trying to look into his eyes. Which became harder when Dean’s head fell forward onto his knees. His breathing shallow and quick, face streaked with tears. 

“Dean?” Sam walked slowly, as if approaching a startled animal. He had never seen his brother like this, his strong big brother reduced to a shadow on the wall. The fear in his eyes reminded him of childhood. Even when Dean had bravely protected his little brother, claiming to be a valiant knight against a cruel king, his eyes had always betrayed him. 

Finally, Dean’s voice came out hoarse and quiet. “He was there. Sammy he was there I swear.” 

“Who?” Sam crouched in front of his brother, ignoring Cas. Whose brows were furrowed in concern as he tried to work out what the hell was wrong. His mind still muddled with drink. 

“Dad.” And it clicked for both of them. 

At eleven the next morning, Dean woke to the sharp pain of a hangover. The second he noticed the pain throbbing through his head, he was sent reeling off the bed and onto the floor. Where, thankfully, someone had placed a trashcan. He wiped at his mouth and closed his eyes, whispering a ‘fuck’. With a groan, Dean willed the throbbing in his head to stop and tried to remember what had happened last night, but no dice. 

At hearing Dean awake, Sam poked his head in the cracked door, spilling a thin line of light onto the carpet. “Dean?” He spoke softly, “Are you feeling okay?” 

“Fantastic… where’s Cas?” Dean mumbled, pushing past the roaring headache at the light. He hadn’t felt this shitty since spring. 

“Shower, do you remember any of it?” Dean shook his head no, leaning it gently against his bed. Of course, Sam remembered. He remembered seeing Dean run through the house like a bat out of hell and then Cas seeing Sam and following. He remembered Dean hunched over in the grass. He remembered Dean’s silence the whole way home. Sam knew that Dean took the brunt of what happened to the boys, but he never saw Dean like this. 

“Can you go?” Dean mumbled, answered with the closing of the door. He had a vague notion of what had happened, snippets of memory pieced together like an unfinished puzzle. The dancing at the party, drinking, pills, then Cas had arrived. He remembered the building blinking around him and the lights dancing with color on the walls. And Cas, pretty Cas. 

Dean knew he hadn’t tripped so bad in a little over a year, he only hoped he hadn’t done anything unforgivable. Once he was sure he was done throwing up, Dean climbed back into bed slowly. The door opened again after what felt like both hours and seconds, Cas letting a sliver of light in with him. His tanned chest exposed, he pulled on sweatpants. He kissed Dean’s shoulder as he climbed over him onto the bed. 

“Are you okay?” Cas whispers as he settles in, wrapping his arms around Dean’s middle. Dean mumbles a yea and tries to fall asleep to Cas kissing gently at his shoulder blades.


	30. Chapter 30

“Damn Cas, how many cassettes do you need?” Dean asked, hauling a box-full under his arm and slamming the car door shut. “You at least pick some decent albums.” 

“Well Dean, some of us like more than the greatest hits of the 60’s. You’ll be thrilled to know I’ve got the Stones and Lynyrd Skynyrd in there too.” Cas rolled his eyes at Dean. 

“Shit, you really do love me.” He teased, batting his eyelashes at the brunette. His skin was pink from spending nearly every day at the beach, and every day together. “I guess I’ll have to come by and listen with you.” He waggled his brows. The old dorm building sat just before the parking lot, the rest of Cas’s things already on their way up to the third floor. Sam and Anna had come along and were practically itching to get away from the couple, hauling the first of the boxes up to his dorm room. 

“Eh.” Cas shrugged, smothering a grin and dodging an elbow to the side. “Of course I love you, who else would let me stay with them during break- no rent?” Laughing, Cas threw a duffel over his shoulder and took his suitcase in hand, watching Dean rifle through the top layer of his music, his top two buttons undone, and sleeves cuffed at his biceps. Much to Cas’s excitement, Dean’s hair had nearly grown out to how it was on new year’s. The movie star length, swooping past his forehead, the sun-bleached strands reaching his ears. “Come on you. Best not leave Sam and Anna alone too long, lord knows what they’ll get into.” 

The duo trudged up three flights, meeting Anna and Sam at the door of the dorm room. They were talking quickly, and Anna shoved Sam in the arm, clearly flustered. The building looking even more dated on the inside than the outside, tacky tile in the shared bathrooms and a questionable smell from the AC unit. So, like every other dorm across America. 

“What are you two doing?” Cas asked, shoving his shoulder into the door to push it open. He’d lived in this room for the better part of three years, his roommate was in the middle of hanging a poster of a football team from back home. His taste in décor was hardly better than Cas’s, who thought décor was putting up a few pictures of friends and a stack of books at his nightstand that wouldn’t be read until the last minute. “Zeke, everybody. Everybody, Zeke.” 

“Anna met-” Sam started, being cut off by an elbow to the stomach. Anna’s face went bright red and she scowled at the tall Stanford student, who wouldn’t move into his own dorm for another few days. 

“Anna keep off my roommate please.” Cas said, not bothering to look up from his unpacking. His roommate, Ezekiel raised an eyebrow at the redhead and continued to hang up his array of sports posters. Dean dropped the box of cassettes and books onto the floor and he hopped up onto the bed, letting his legs dangle as he watched Cas fold his clothes to put away. 

“So, who is everybody?” Ezekiel asked, motioning to the two brothers who hadn’t been there to help move in last year. 

“Big and tall over there is Sam, blondie is his older brother Dean, and you’ve met my cousin Anna.” Sam threw his hands up at the ‘Big and tall’ comment but started helping him unpack. “How was your summer?” 

Zeke flopped down onto his bed, which was raised ridiculously high. “Fine, my ma’s bein’ psychotic about Daria but what can you do.” Zeke’d been dating his girlfriend Daria for ages but his folks hadn’t been keen on her. “You?” 

“Just fine.” Cas glanced up at Dean, who’d been very unhelpfully not unpacking but rather, watching Cas. His green eyes lit up with memories of the summer. At least half of which was spent at the beach, or with Cas’s limbs tangled around his own, like this morning. It had been their last real night before classes started up. After a while, most everything had been unpacked. Soon enough they started to leave, but not before Zeke threw a wink at Anna. 

Sam and Anna headed downstairs, leaving the couple to trail behind. In the stairwell, they stopped for some privacy. “You’ll visit me, right?” Dean pulled Cas into his arms, wrapping them around his waist, his lips hovering over Cas’s. 

“Of course. And Zeke is out every weekend to go see his girlfriend, so… you could always visit me here, listen to some music or… something.” Cas said, kissing Dean softly on his bottom lip. 

“I mean… I might be able to fit it into my busy schedule.” Making Cas scrunch his nose up, “Kidding!” Dean kissed him one more time, letting his breath hover against Cas’s. “We better get down there before they start to wonder.” But he only pulled away when Cas did. 

The four kids went to dinner before leaving Cas for good, grabbing pizza and chatting aimlessly about classes that were coming up. Dean reckoned it felt a little bittersweet for all his friends to be going to back to school, leaving him an adult with a full-time job, but he’d much rather work than do homework for something he’d never need to know. 

Finally, after they had all eaten their fill, even the Winchester boys, who ate more than your average human, they parted ways. Anna and Sam waited in the car as Dean saw him off. Cas’s beautiful blue eyes shining in the evening light. 

“I do only live thirty minutes away.” Cas kept a safe distance from Dean, leaning against the car and fidgeting with his hands. “So, it’ll be just like last semester. Mostly anyway. I can come back anytime.” This settled Dean’s mind a little, he wasn’t sure why this time felt so different. Maybe the living together over the summer had changed things. They didn’t have to do this last year, due to the clubbing night after Dean and Lisa had broken up. God, how that felt like ages ago. 

“I know. And don’t think you’ll be able to shake me off just cause you moved out. I expect an invitation to listen to music or something.” Dean waggled his brows and pulled Cas in for a hug. “Don’t get into too much trouble without me.” He clapped him on the back and pulled away, giving Cas a polite smile. He waited until Cas had walked back into the building before sliding back behind the wheel. 

The ride home was quiet, Dean letting Sam and Anna chat, not paying much attention himself. 

When they got home, Dean realized he’d have an empty nest for the first time in upwards of a year. Between Cas and Sam, the apartment had always been busy. And Now, the sounds of Sam packing his few things away were the only thing left. Of course, there’d always be Jo, until she graduated at least. Dean’s home that he carved out of the walls felt different now. Though it was only a year since Sam had been living with Jess, and only a little while longer since he had met Cas. 

“What dorm building will you be staying in Sam?” Jo called from her room, Sam’s shit covered the living room floor and couch, and kitchen table. How he’d managed to attain so much stuff while not even having his own space, Dean had no idea. Sam called back something Dean didn’t catch. In his own room, Cas had finally made him empty his boxes. All his clothes were folded in the dresser or closet, alongside the scraps of Cas’s clothes that he’d left. He had to force Dean to unpack ‘It’s been a year and a half!’ Cas had argued. But now the floor was all clean, no glass shards in the carpet, nor scuffs in the wall from kicking it, books lined up on the shelf that’d been barren for a year. Dean had even been able to hang a few pictures, some polaroid photos of the beach and Cas, and of course his friends and Sam. It finally felt like home. 

Almost like home. God, he felt like a chick. Dean sighed and fell back into his bed, letting sleep take the wheel and ignoring Sam and Jo’s bickering about what to pack. 

“You’re okay, you’re okay.” Cas’s voice was deep against Dean’s ear. Shielding him from the figure at the door that he knew was John. “Let’s go.” Cas said, pulling him along. But then they were in town, a crowd splitting them up and Dean was shouting frantically to find Cas. He’d left him. And then there was a hand on his wrist. Dean woke slowly, rolling over and forgetting his dream. The early Sunday morning sunrise peering through the blinds and leaving slits of gold along the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is nearing its end and I am sad to be done with writing it but I have an idea in the works for a new fic that I think you will love. But, I still have a few more chapters of this one, so I'll keep you around for a little while longer! :)


	31. Chapter 31

The afternoon sun shone through the windows of Cas’s practical procedures lab, missing the blinds and hitting him right in the eyes. He’d flick his hair out of his eyes and scribble down a handful of notes as the professor rambled on. He couldn’t find it in himself to pay attention. Dean would finally be coming to visit tonight, and since Zeke would be out all weekend, he could stay the night. Cas let his mind wander to Dean and their friends, he hadn’t been able to visit them for weeks, well, since school started. He’d been keeping plenty busy, making sure to stay on top of classes this year especially because of last finals and certifications in the spring. Then, he’d be released into the adult world for good. 

After leaving Seattle and the ice rain for the golden city, Cas’d gotten used to the warm sun on his skin, though a cool breeze pushed at his skin as he left his lab. He wondered what his father would’ve thought if he saw him now, nearly graduated with a decent job prospect and helping people. Though, it probably wouldn’t’ve mattered. He’d left home nearly a decade ago, not of his own accord of course, and the death of his father, was the only thing that let the siblings reunite at all. They were by no means the type of family to hang out with each other outside of Christmas day. Even though the Milton’s were a rambunctious group, they were kind and funny. They had taken him in and been proud of him despite being disowned by his aunt’s brother. 

Cas remembered the events of his adolescence and pushed them away, remembering he was only a few hours away from seeing Dean. He was so deep in thought, that he didn’t notice Hannah jogging up behind him to walk together. 

“Hiya Castiel!” Her voice suddenly appearing made him jump, nearly dropping his armful of textbooks. “Have you eaten yet?” 

“Not yet-” He started. 

“Oh good! Would you like to come with me to the cafeteria?” She flicked her ponytail over her shoulder and smiled at him. 

“Sure, how’re your classes going so far?” Cas made polite conversation, pushing his hair out of his face. It was getting too long and kept falling into his eyes, he’d let it grow so much that the ends curled in every direction. He watched the other students stroll around campus, some sprinting to get to their last class of the week, and some lounging on the grass, sprawled out with a book. Their skin tanning in the nearly-autumn warmth and sounds of kids goofing off or throwing a frisbee filled the air. Even the chill in the air couldn’t shake the mood. By the time he zoned back in he realized he was still in the middle of a conversation, he glanced at Hannah, who smiled under his look and apparently didn’t notice his distractedness. 

“-poly sci is fine too I guess, I prefer my math though.” She just continued on listing through her classes, not taking notice of his lack of actual interest in her classes. “You know, we should hang out more often. You’re good company.” She said, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. 

“Yea, thanks.” Cas nodded. “How are you planning on wasting away your weekend?” 

“Oh! My sister is coming into town to tour the city, I’ll be free on Saturday evening though.” Hannah looked at him expectantly before continuing. “How about you?” 

“My friend is visiting too, and that sounds fun. I haven’t seen him since I left for school, we were practically joined at the hip all summer.” 

“Ooh, well, if you guys want to get dinner or drinks, it’d be super fun!” Finally, they reached the cafeteria, a big brick building with massive glass windows. It was still a little busy, mostly kids with classes that ran over noon. 

He pulled the door and held it open for Hanna before walking in too. “What are you thinking?” He asked, looking around at the options and trying to figure out what he was in the mood for. “I think I’ll go for pizza,” he said more so for himself than anything. 

“Me too.” The duo walked side by side and finally settled into a table to eat. Cas didn’t think anything of Hannah’s behavior until after they had finished and got nearly to the dorms. She had always been a little strange acting- or maybe not strange but rather, overbearing? Her dorm was on the way to his own so they had to walk in the same direction anyways. The two chatted aimlessly about the state of the environment, and the political climate. 

“Thanks for walking me back,” Hannah started. Cas didn’t have enough time to tell her it was on the way to his own when she put her hand on his arm and leaned in. Suddenly, it dawned on him. 

“Woah, what the fuck?!” He quickly scrambled backwards and out of her reach. Hannah flinched at the rise in his voice and her eyes went wide. 

“I’m sorry! I thought you might…” 

“You thought? Well, you thought wrong. Sorry Hannah. I don’t- I’m not-” Cas tried to piece together a sentence that wouldn’t out him to everyone in the city. “Not my type, sorry.” 

“What can I do?” Had she always been thinking of this? Boy had she gotten the wrong idea. 

Hannah excused herself and practically ran into the dorm building, leaving a startled Cas on the sidewalk. Then, he remembered Dean. Thank god he would be able to tell someone about this. Shit. Would he think he was coming onto her? Would he get jealous? 

Cas didn’t get his answer until the sun was dropping below the skyline outside his dorm room window. Hours after Dean had swept him into his arms and spun him around in the confined area of his shared room. Kissed him passionately and hardly let him go long enough to fix them something to eat. 

“Did I tell you about Hannah?” Cas asked, looking up at Dean sprawled out on his belly on the bed. Dean was flipping through a book of CDs and bopping his head slowly with the song of an artist he swore he didn’t listen to, though he was mouthing the words. 

“Uh, yea, I think so?” Not looking up, Dean hummed to the change in song. The golden evening light spilled over him gorgeously, Cas didn’t think he could’ve actually been as beautiful as the pictures he had in his wallet, but goddamn he was. His hair was longer than Cas’s own and spilled gracefully past his ears, soft golden strands not staying tucked back. “What about her?” 

“She came onto me! Tried to kiss me and everything.” Cas waited for a reaction, but he wasn’t expecting Dean to look at him with a shit eating grin. He quickly filled the room with his laughter, near hysterics. “What’s so funny?!” Cas huffed where he was standing. “It was very awkward, I’ll have you know.” 

“That’s fucking hilarious.” Dean propped himself up on one hand and continued. “You’re the biggest fruit I know.” 

“After yourself of course!” Cas yelled, laughing. Dean hooked his waist with his free arm and pushed a kiss into Cas’s arm. This earned him both a smack to the head and Cas dropping his own face to kiss him on the mouth. “You’re not jealous or anything?” 

“Jealous of what? Who’s kissing you now, me or her?” Dean quirked an eyebrow, “Unless you want me to be.” He smirked and wiggled his brows, pulling Cas onto the bed with him. 

Later that night, the two walked along the campus sidewalks in the dark. Appreciating the quiet in between other groups walking past. The moon shone brightly above them, almost full. They bumped elbows occasionally, walking closely and talking quietly. 

“What do you want to do the rest of the weekend? Any sights you want to see?” Cas had learned that, despite having lived in the Bay area for the past three years, Dean hadn’t ever seen anything. 

“There’s a few things I had in mind,” Dean grinned, looking at Cas and how calm he looked. Just like mornings in his bed, or afternoons on the beach. Moonlight, like everything else, suited him. 

“God, I missed you.” Cas let the words roll out. 

“You too, Cas.” Dean glanced around quickly before pulling Cas in by wrist, leading him into a little hidden area around the side of a building and pulling him close. Dean kissed him deeply, both hands on his face and Cas’s back against the brick. 

“Can’t even wait till we get back?” Cas whispered against his lips, making Dean shush him with a bite to the bottom lip. “Let’s go back.” He pressed a rough kiss before reentering the main walk, running a hand through his hair, letting Dean follow. 

Back in the room, Dean locked the door and pushed Cas against the bed, kissing hungrily at his lips and pulling at his waist. 

The two lay under the top sheet, a light breeze blowing through the open window, which was cracked slightly despite being supposed to not be opened at all. The room was still hot, and Dean laid on his side, a hand looped with Cas’s and legs tangled under the sheets. He watched Cas’s chest rise and fall with breath. His tanned skin fainter because of his staying indoors. 

Dean kissed his shoulder, “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Cas looked at Dean, his Dean, and rested a hand at the dip of his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. I love you. I love you. I love you.


	32. Epilogue

Summer, 1994. 

“Dean, you left towels all over the bathroom floor.” Cas groaned from down the hall. “We just got everything unpacked and now, you want to start another mess?” The two had just moved into the new apartment, a simple two bedroom, but in a much nicer neighborhood just north of the city. They could definitely afford it now. Cas had been working as a first responder, and Dean still a carpenter, together it worked. 

“Sorry, god.” Dean glanced at the brown dog who sat beside him on the couch, Beezus. “I need to get the wife off my back.” He whispered to Bee. This earned him the armful of towels Cas had gathered, to his shoulder. 

“Hey! You picked me, so don’t even start with that shit.” Cas crossed his arms and glanced at Bee on the couch. “And SOMEONE, isn’t allowed on the couch.” But the dog just stared at him. 

“He isn’t hurting anythi-” Dean started to argue back, but the argument was lost the second Cas’s lips met his. His hand pulling Dean’s face up to meet him. 

The next day, the two went out on the town, celebrating their anniversary. Dean ordered for both of them, and Cas rolled his eyes. The night life of not being in a college town, was a much more significant change than they’d anticipated. It was quieter, for starters, and people were more likely to be paying attention to the duo. After dinner, and drinks, and dessert, they stumbled back into their apartment. Unlike their old one, this one didn’t have the lingering smell of wontons from the restaurant below. Bee perked up at their arrival but wasted no time in falling back asleep on the couch, where he was still not technically allowed. 

“Ca- Cas, fuck.” Dean pulled him in by the collar, the buttons half undone. But Cas pulled back, just for a moment, but long enough for his boyfriend to complain. “Hey!” Dean faked a scowl, but Cas only smiled. Dean was his and had been for years now. Coincidentally, their first hookup and their getting together the next year, fell within a week of each other. Their week, even though three years ago, them getting together had caused a divide that lasted months. 

“I love you.” Cas whispered, pressing his lips against Dean’s again. Making Dean sink into his arms, a hand against his bare chest. 

“You too.” Was all Dean could say, and he pulled him closer. Their lips clashed as they scrambled out of their clothes, passion still as thriving as it had been all those years ago. Cas pushed Dean onto the edge of their bed, standing between his thighs and kissing at his exposed neck. Dean, trailed his hands down Cas’s middle, landing them at his hips and pulling him closer. They pulled at each other, kissing and biting every inch of exposed skin. Dean dropped his head to Cas’s stomach, kissing at the soft skin there and trailing downwards. 

They celebrated their anniversary with a bang, and fell asleep to soft kisses, and softer ‘I love you’s, hanging lightly in the dark room. The trees outside their room casting shadows across them, and Dean traced the lines on Cas’s chest, pulling him in right as he fell asleep. 

The next morning, they woke up to a lazy Sunday and Bee curled up not in his crate, but sprawled between their legs. Cas couldn’t help but smile as he snored loudly, though he’d been against a dog, Dean got one for himself on his birthday. The puppy had been as crazy as Cas had anticipated, dragging Dean out at every hour of day to sniff for thirty minutes to pee. But he’d grown on them. 

Before Summer ended, they walked the beach closest to their home, and visited Sam in Palo Alto, also stopping in to see Anna and Jo. Sam was doing exceptionally well in his classes, nearly done with his degree by now. Jo was preparing to move back to Texas, and Brady had even let slip that Sam had been on a few dates, though he refused to say anything more about the mystery person. 

Dean was thrilled that Sam was getting back out there, it had been so long since he’d allowed himself to be happy, and if anyone deserved it, it was Sam. He was partially responsible for everything Dean had. By letting him crash in the first place at all. 

A Few weeks after visiting Sam, Dean and Cas got into an argument. Though, neither of them could remember what it originally started as. Cas got the last word and slammed the bedroom door shut, leaving the apartment in silence. 

That night, Dean slept with Beezus on the couch. With the dog in his lap, and the smell of the ocean wafting through the open windows, Dean heard the bedroom door creak open. Cas stubbornly padded across the floor and climbed into the pile of Dean and dog that had settled into the couch, and he pulled a blanket around them. Smiling to himself, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and knew the argument was done, despite their stubbornness. A family of three all piled into the much-too-small couch. 

Some nights, Cas will wake up with Dean clinging to him, still asleep but shaking. Others, Dean will wake him up with kisses on his shoulder and a goodbye before he heads to work. Sometimes, after a long night, Cas will wander in and fall onto the bed, unable to say anything at all. But he’s always thankful that Dean isn’t the one in the ambulance, and he hasn’t been in over a year. Despite bickering, they always wake up wrapped in each other’s arms. I guess there’s something to be said about falling in love with everything about a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. I've been working on this for a few months and its done with now. Thank you guys for reading it all and I hope you enjoyed it! I had a lot of fun writing it and letting the story unfold. I'm planning an enemies to lovers private school fic soon :) so once that starts you should check it out, I knew I had to finish this one before I'd let myself start that one lol.


End file.
